Gil

Jürgen Heckel

Contestants in the All Girls Rodeo

If you are unfamiliar with my work and my background here is a little introduction:

I am 25 years old. I was born and raised in a small rural town in Western Michigan. I was born 3rd generation Jehovah’s Witness.

When I was 15/16 years old, I began to rebel from the religion/cult (in harmless, normal teenage ways: I wanted to go to prom, have a boyfriend- you know, that scary stuff) so my family decided the best decision for my spirituality would be to remove me from high school all-together. “Bad association spoils useful habits” was a common phrase I heard being tossed around by elders and my mother and grandmother.

While I was out of school, I came into the possesion of my father’s old Canon a-1, which he would use for astro photography (he would take photos of me with comets and the northern lights throughout my entire childhood.)

I began taking photos of mundane life; my first roll of film was images of ice-cycles and my cats. Then, I turned the camera on myself.

Self portraiture became my escape, my way of communication to the world. Back then I hadn’t yet found my voice, or rather it was taken from me, but it was the beginning of everything for my life as I know it.

I began posting my images to flickr, and with that I found the first non-JW community I ever tried to belong to. Against my mother’s orders and the councle given to me by the Elders in the congregation, I quickly began to cultivate friendships with creatives all over the world. These friendships have proved to be stronger than anything I had within the organization of JW’s I had been born into. If I didn’t have these “flickr friends”, I would have had no one outside the religion.

I ended up getting my GED and started taking basic math, art history, biology, english and darkroom printing courses at Kellogg Community College in Battle Creek, MI.

When I turned 18 in 2010, I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area. I ended up living in my car in the Sausalito ferry building parking lot for a while, as my (JW) best-friend’s family would only let me stay with them if I went into the Field Ministry work full time (door-to-door preaching), which meant 50 hours a month.

While I was looking for a place to live I met my now ex, a non-JW, and he offered to let me stay with him on his sailboat. How exciting.

I wanted to live this new-found freedom. I wanted to make my art & surround myself with people from all walks of life.

I was ex-communicated from my family, friends and the only community I ever knew. I was completely shunned, and completely on my own.

The next 7 years (and counting- still working through all of this) would be the most difficult years of my entire life. I have suffered from severe depression, anxiety, PTSD and would later be diagnosed with epilepsy and borderline personality disorder.

While I was living in the bay I continued to take photographs of myself, friends, models and everyday life.

I had my first solo exhibition in Sausaltio in 2011, was a part of various group shows in San Francisco, Berkeley, Oakland, Italy, Copenhagen and Paris. I continued to study various areas of interest at the local community college- Laney College, where I studied theatre, journalism and photography.

In 2013 I met photographer Todd Hido, through a mutual friend that insisted he must photograph me, and I began to work for him as an assistant in his studio for 2.5 years.

At the end of 2014 I was asked to show my work at Brandts Museum of Photographic Art in Odense, Denmark. My prints hung alongside Cindy Sherman and Sally Mann in the “Selfie” exhibition. I was fortunate enough to visit the exhibition, and when I saw my work hanging there, across the room from Sally Mann, I broke down in tears of utter happiness and disbelief. How had I made it here?

2015 was the hardest year of the 25 years I have been on this planet. I was scared for my life- still believing that I would be destroyed in Armageddon at any moment (December 24th, 2014 I was a wreck haha,) homesick for my lake and my family, and completely encompassed by guilt. I felt guilty for following my heart- I felt guilty for just wanting to live my life outside of the cult. I felt guilty for my family shunning me. I felt like it was my choice, it was my fault.

I felt guilty for no reason in particular. 

My aunt and cousin literally said that it was my choice to be shunned, and that I better be “bleeding out” if I were to ever call him again.

I began to watch the Cosmos series with Neil Degrasse Tyson. The indoctrination began to melt away. I felt this huge sense of relief come over me: I finally began to understand that life, the Universe: it’s all so much bigger than anything I was ever taught. Not too long after this, “Going Clear”, the documentary about Scientology came out. I watched it alone one night- tears streaming down my face. It was my childhood- give or take a few things- but with different terms for the practices. The realization washed over me: I was raised in a Cult. My family- all of them- are stuck in a Cult.

I was sick to my very core. I became so depressed for 3 weeks that I could only leave my bed to relieve myself. I finally confronted my father and mother. I explained to them that I was tired of hiding myself, I was tired of feeling guilty, I was tired of feeling scared. I told them it hurt me so much- being ex communicated by my family whom I love so much. I told them that not being able to visit home was killing me. I told them that I felt it wasn’t fair- how could they tell me that they loved me unconditionally? 

Isn’t that what family is for? Unconditional love? I am grateful that they offered to help me with therapy. Therapy however, does not make up for such a monumental loss.

During this time period, I began to open up to the online art community (who I consider to be my true family!) Before I realized I came from a cult, I never criticised the practices, let alone on a public forum, for fear of being labeled an Apostate. An apostate is the lowest of the low- apostates are considered “mentally diseased” and my parents could get in even more trouble for the already limited contact they have with me. But I felt so very, very alone. And confused. And scared. So I opened up the only way I knew how, to the only people I thought would care.

The support I received was astounding. The emails, tumblr messages and IG comments were pouring in, offering love and solidarity. I even found a community of over 7k ex-JW’s with stories similar to mine.

When the summer of 2015 ended, I made the second hardest desicion of my life. I would leave my life in the Bay and move to Los Angeles to start over again.

The last two years in LA has been quite an adjustment- settling in took quite a bit longer than I had anticipated.

But not only was it the second hardest decision to leave, it was also the second best decision I have ever made (leaving the JW cult was obviously the first, ha!)

I had my first European solo exhibition in early 2017 (Paris.) I have collaborated with highly talented artists including Frank Ockenfels, Lou O'bedlam, Todd Hido, Brittany Markert, Davis Ayer and Gershon Kreimer. I had my first exhibition in Los Angeles, photographed a major campaign for Yamaha Guitar Development, participated in a burlesque performance and gone to countless comedy and music shows.

I am also happy to report that as of this year (2017) my Father and I have a wonderful relationship now, and things are gradually getting better with my Mother, as well. 

Sometimes I find myself walking down the street, thinking “how did little ole Shelbie, from Delton Michigan, end up here?”

If you made it this far, I applaud and thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading this.

I thank you endlessly for considering to help me continue to make my dreams a reality.

Pledges will directly fund my ability to keep shooting & printing <3