Giggly

If you end up with someone- living with them- make sure it’s someone you trust. Because if you’re up late cooking and you cut your hand open, when you ask for help as it’s bleeding profusely- you want someone who will be there. Not someone who rolls over and says they’re too tired- leaving it to deal with by yourself.

It’s that I can’t go to a doctor and straight up tell them

“I am doing really bad mentally. I’m not going to unalive myself- but if all of my mental issues were to manifest as physical ones, I would be on my death bed.”

I don't know what this is... I just really needed to rant I guess.... It's kind of in story form and has mentions of violence and self-harm. Please don't read this if you feel it may endanger you. This isn't the point of this post, honestly... I don't know what is.

You thought you would be happy. 

You thought once you got your life together, once you had your dogs well fed in your home with the person you love that you would be happy.

You thought no matter the stress, no matter the anxiety, no matter the lack of money, that you would be happy. And you were, no doubt… 

But something wasn't right. It just wasn't sitting well with you. You loved him, your family, their  family, your dogs; but you still felt sick to your stomach every night, staring up at the ceiling wanting to cry your eyes out, wanting to escape the pain of the life that you're living. 

Occasionally you hear gun shots and screaming at night, which does nothing to ease your conscious mind that races in the night like a wild mustang on the run from the cowboys of old. 

You knew there wasn't anything you could do for them. You were a young girl, not even a third of the way through your life expectancy… that is, if the world even lasts that long. You wanted to do something, you wanted to make a difference, but when the sun went down and you laid in bed, you knew you were nothing more than a drop in the ocean. Your minimum wage job wasn't gonna put food on the table for the people who desperately need it.

 It wasn't going to get people out of abusive homes. 

It want going to get kids out of bad situations. 

But the odds- they're stacked against you. You're more likely to get hit by lightning or raped and murdered, or die in your sleep than you ever are to make even money to make a difference. 

Sure, you vote, you pay your taxes, you buy from reputable places, you stand as a strong ally for oppressed groups, you use your own grocery bags, you support local businesses; but you know in the grand scheme of things, in this rigged system, it will all amount to nothing. 

You hope and pray that it'll mean something.

You hope and pray that real change will soon come.

You hope and pray that your family will realize that they're supporting a man just like Hitler himself. 

But you know, deep down that these things won't come true. 

But- you still hope. 

You hold on to that glimmer of hope because you want to live a good and faithful life. You want others to live a good and faithful life. 

You know you definitely don't have it the worst off. You have a roof over your head and a job to go to, to put some food on the table, but you're still suffering. 

Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wanting- so desperately- for this pain to end. You've considering taking the straight razor, which you bought to be sustainable and good to the planet, and doing something that you know is terrible, that you know you shouldn't do. 

You have a decent life. Sure, you want to die and you can't afford therapy, but You're in college, almost to the point becoming a teacher to maybe earn 30k a year, if you're lucky. But you don't want to be a teacher, you don't know what you want. You just picked a job that might work because you knew it would stick around for a while and wouldn't be obsolete due to technology within the next, at least 20 years. You picked it because it could work. It gave you something to strive for, because you never picked something to strive for. You never picked something to strive for because quite honestly, you thought that you would be dead long before you got to this point. 

But now here you are, an adult, with bills to pay-

Shortened hours-

Car that's breaking down-

Boss that doesn't care about your well-being-

Government that does give a shit about anyone making less than half a billion a year- 

Family that supports a authoritarian maniac as your president- 

Family that will disown you and revoke any and all monetary help if you speak against them or said president-

Future job that you're dreading-

But hey, at least you have a home.

At least you have a job.

At least you have a family. 

At least you're alive. 

Not everyone has that. 

So why are you sitting here in bed wanting to die? 

Because you know, that soon…. You won't be able to afford all that you have. 

Soon the house, the car, the family, the job, the dogs, the significant other…. 

You won't be able to afford.

As your money means less and less, while their money grows more and more, 

You starve yourself to give a good life to your S/o and your dogs. 

You bite your tongue, so you don't get fired from your job. 

You drive in a car that is unsafe for you, especially as it gets to the hotter months of the year. 

You cry yourself to sleep at night, looking toward the bathroom, wondering if another day was really worth it. 

I work in a mall and you know damn well people are gonna go to the mall just to get outside the house.... I don't think my company is gonna provide us any protection....

Don't they understand that this is just gonna make everything so much worse....