Pick your orbit

Today is two months since my mom died. It still feels weirdly unreal. At the risk of sounding callous, I didn’t think it’d affect me this much. I think more than mourning her I’m mourning the loss of what I wished she could be. I spent so much time and energy trying to do whatever I could/ be whatever I was supposed to so that she’d love me. Harming myself emotionally, physically, mentally, and probably even spiritually in the process. The past few years I pulled away from that but it was a process. One that I was nowhere near done with. It’s freeing not to have that pressure to be something I know I’m not. That I couldn’t be even if I wanted to be because the line kept moving, it was never enough, it would never be enough. Even after I started pulling away from that I still put a lot of pressure on myself to change how I reacted to her. There was a lot of energy expended both in interacting with her and preparing myself to interact with her. Looking at it now, no wonder I was always exhausted. Life was a minefield from my earliest memories to her last few days. There was never going to be a good relationship there no matter how badly I wanted it. It’s not okay but it is what it is. My mom wasn’t a good mom, she probably wasn’t even a good person. But she’s dead. None of that can change now. Being mad at a dead person does no good. I feel like I can finally let go of all the stuff I’ve been trying to let go for years. Forgive myself for all that wasted energy. Love myself for being the sort of person who tried even when it was clear it was going to end in failure. It’s not my fault that my mom wasn’t the kind of mom I needed. I didn’t deserve my childhood. I refuse to carry this with me into my future. I can forgive her for whatever it was that made her the way she was and choosing to stay that person instead of being better. And forgive the people still living who believed what she said about me, still believe it. I don’t need their approval. I don’t need to redeem myself in anyone’s eyes. And I don’t need to tell them the things she said about them. It’s sad that it took her death for me to finally be able to close that door and release all this toxic ness from my life but I can forgive myself that too. I did the best I could. I tried my hardest. Now is the time for letting go and letting myself grow. I won’t be weighed down by it anymore. No guilt, no regrets, no anger. Just release and peace. I can have the peaceful life I’ve always wanted even if it’s just peace with myself. I don’t need to burn down the house (myself) to do it. I feel ready to move on to the next part of my life lighter.