The life of k.river

(Cross-posting this thing I wrote on IG at 3am a couple of days after Jjong took his own life. I’m putting this here on my personal account because the issues of depression and self-harm are relevant beyond this specific, tragic and (for me) highly personal instance. I just really needed to share my thoughts…and also attempt to be a little uplifting!

Thanks so much for your patience^^)

• • • • •

The shock and widespread sense of devastation following Jonghyun’s suicide on December 18 has meant that my social media feed (and temporarily, my whole life) has been consumed by an outpouring of grief; both my own and those close to and around me.

It’s been a crippling experience to lose someone so gifted. Someone whom I loved dearly from a distance yet felt so close to through his music; someone who was an integral part - one fifth - of a group I have come to love above and beyond any other due to their incomparable grace, heart, talent and genuine compassion.

SHINee is special. To see them devastated by such an awful tragedy breaks my heart. I know my own grief pales in comparison to that of Jonghyun’s friends and family… and of SHINee themselves.

Yet despite everything that has happened this week, Minho, Jinki, Kibum and Taemin remain an inspiration to all of us: they have shown incredible strength and courage.

They motivate me to be strong and courageous myself. To be honest. So I will try.

I’ve read a lot about how Jonghyun was in some way “broken” by his crushing depression; that even he considered himself to be broken. Broken; deficient; flawed; inadequate.. to the extent that his self-deprecation and fatigue outstripped his will to continue living. Jonghyun said in the end that he felt exhausted by the effort of living only for others… for those around him…and not for himself.

I can’t help but ponder this and think several things: firstly that (like many depressives) his introspection and isolation had long since robbed him of any measure of objectivity regarding his own value as a person and as an artist.

Secondly, that whoever was counselling him was not handling his condition appropriately— or was unable to.

Thirdly, that his situation— his schedule in the celebrity spotlight since teen years— had robbed him of the time and space it takes for a person to cultivate a philosophical perspective on themselves.

He had already (and eloquently) recognised in others the absurdity of adhering to impossible expectations and societal norms. He easily recognised in others the tendency to self-flagellate via comparison, or feel down-trodden by a competitive world.

His understanding of others’ emotional state was cogent. Intellectually incisive. Yet for all his awareness, Jjong lacked the capacity to take his own advice; to apply to HIMSELF the benefit of his canny wisdom.

Such sad irony is so, so often the case with depression: otherwise intelligent people become utterly incapable of living by the advice they passionately offer others. Jonghyun never overcame his fears of artistic inadequacy (this is what his friend 9Nine had flagged as one of his major issues) …or his fears of being “not enough”. He felt the pressures of his hectic life multiply, and slowly succumbed to the crushing weight of his disease.

It occurs to me that Jonghyun— our talented, beautiful, flawed Jonghyun— could have flourished and even eventually recovered if he’d managed to view himself the way he always viewed others: beautifully flawed. Beautifully unique. For he was both, and even if he was indeed “broken” in some ways.. who amongst us is not!?

This is why I place images of the Japanese art of Kintsugi alongside his photos. For it is an aesthetic philosophy that resonates with me SO STRONGLY when I think about Jonghyun.

For those who don’t know, Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken ceramics with laquer dusted or mixed with gold. The philosophy behind this practice is to embrace that which is flawed or imperfect about an object, to the extent that it’s breakage renders it even more beautiful than it was when “whole”.

As a metaphor for human beings, it may seem a little crude, but the concept resonates deeply for me: that a person must embrace their flaws, mistakes, failures and fractures as aspects that make them truly unique. Truly more wondrous and valuable.

Kintsugi strives to celebrate the broken; not disguise it.

In this light, “failure” becomes a step toward success; inadequacy becomes reframed as an admirable striving toward one’s goals. I wish dearly that Jonghyun had learned to see himself in this light. To see that he was already all the things he feared he could not become; that his accomplishments were perfect in their aspiration. I think he saw this truth always in others, in his own way. It is a tragedy that he could not gift to himself this vision of existence, too.

So please, grieving friends, do not make the same mistake he did: you are more beautiful in your imperfect efforts than you know.

• • • • •

Finally: I choose also to see SHINee in this light. As a work of art akin to that of Kintsugi. They have suffered a terrible fracture, yes — yet they are not broken. Whatever future SHINee has together, they can live their creative lives beautifully flawed; more beautiful, even, for all their effort and difficulties and bittersweet experiences.

For strength is not the absence of weakness or faults.. but the recognition of these as an inherent aspect of what makes us who we are. SHINee, like Jonghyun, is special because they manage to be wondrous - inspiring, even - in their imperfection.

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