bella

poetry love: number two

a lot has been happening. a lot of emotions, a lot of confusion, a lot of outbursts and chaos. it has made me stronger, while all continuing to tear me apart.

today i am proud to say that i have been sober from BED for over forty days. i didn’t think i would get here anytime soon, and my close friends and family are very proud of me.

but, i don’t feel proud of this achievement. rather, i…

poetry love: number one

hello,

it’s been a while.

*** things have been a little chaotic my side recently, both mentally and physically.

a gentle reminder: it is important to continue to work through all obstacles you might be experiencing in order to get to the other side,

(a challenging but important aspect in all roads of recovery),

but it is also just as important to sit down, breathe, and take time to…

bed and bdd chapter one: the naive little girl

“you lost,

a part of your existence

in the war,

against yourself.”

the fault in our stars mmxiv, troye sivan.

binge eating disorder. body dysmorphic disorder. they might seem like only ‘labels’ to you all, but in my case, it’s my drastic, terrifying and shattering everyday reality. although i was only formally diagnosed by a professional back in 2017, i often look back at my childhood, and wonder.

i am so confused. my depression is like a deep hole i cannot escape from. it haunts me- makes me confused, anxious, hateful, angry, sad, the list is endless.

i want someone to save me from this all. i know i’m supposed to save myself, but i don’t think that’s possible. it’s like no matter what i do to try to help uplift myself from this battle, it doesn’t work. it either makes me hate myself more or something and/or someone crushes it for me.

i know i’m not good at words. and i know i’m not the only one feeling this way. but i don’t know who to talk to. i don’t want to seem like a burden.

i love and hate myself at the same time. i love myself for making it so far in life, and somehow making it through all obstacles that have come my way. but i hate myself because i am who i am. it’s difficult to communicate this all because depression is an indescribable feeling. 

yes, this is my 11:11pm rant (how ironic). and it probably doesn’t make any sense, and i apologize for this. but,