“Remember how excited I was to see the movie “American Pie” that I didn’t sleep the night before? And remember that scene where the guy has sex with the pie? Well, I don’t. Because I fell asleep in the theatre.”
“ Ah yeah, but I’m kinda giving my son’s eulogy right now.”
“Listen, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of after a good cross country meet, but that riot was unacceptable.”
“Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch!”
“Are you A: handsome; B: smart; C: scrap metal; or D: all of the above?”
“Coffee? Anyone for - coffee anyone?
“All right, sorry. I like cotton candy.”
“Check out my muscle. Potato chips. It’s a Ferris wheel.”
“So I guess what I’m trying to say is - plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag.”
“ Well, that’s discrimination! Hey, do you wanna go take a dump in my parents’ bed?”
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t my old friend, underage drinking. So, we meet again. How are you, underage drinking? Besides illegal!”
“I bet these aren’t even real crab, are they!”
“ Look, we kissed. And I don’t want to exaggerate the importance of it, but we’re going to be together forever.”
“ Dammit! I haven’t been to the Olive Garden in, like, forever!”
“Go away, Sigmund Freud.”
“You’re wet. Allow me to dry you off… with my pants!”
“Hark! I just heard a word that starts with an S, ends with an S, and has a “lut” inside. A “lut” of me!”
“Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It’s like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!”
“I’m an albatross! I’m an albatross! I’m flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings, flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings…”
“ Your friend should listen to her heart. I’m not programmed to wink but if I were programmed to wink I would have winked when I said your friend.”
“ All celebrities are completely hairless. They put the eyebrows on during editing to make sure the actors make the right facial expressions.”
“ Getting into a new show can be a little uncomfortable, but once you get into the rhythm of it you’ll be on your knees begging for more.”
“When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make SUPER lemons. “
“ Hey, take a hit, relax! God’s message can be a total trip. But ya know you gotta do what he tells you eh, because God has a plan for all of us. A painful, painful plan.”
“ That is a good question, scary androgynous white guy, and I would like to reply by taking my shirt off.”
“ Hey, check out this extra flappy skin on my elbow. What is that?”
“ Now, I love you both. One in a completely platonic way, the other with a fiery passion that most people know but once in a lifetime. By the way, that one’s not you, [NAME 1]; it’s [NAME 2].
“ For my rebuttal, I would like to dramatically gesture to this death-defying skateboard ramp behind me.”
“Once I transplant these brainwave transmitters into the clones brains I will be able to see and hear everything they taste and smell.”
“ "Now Mario’s dead… I’m killing everyone! Oh, why couldn’t [ NAME ] have had three lives like Mario?” “
“I said piss… glue! I’m so mad I could piss glue!”
“I thought you were dead. I shot you for biting me so much.”
“Oh my God. He was genetically engineered with a zipper! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.“”
STAMOS! DAMN HIM AND HIS JET-BLACK HAIR AND AWARD-WINNING SMILE!
Oh, I’m a failure! A failure! I’m so disorganized!
I start to dial, but I never call anyone back!
“You should see my car! It’s a mess. I’m a mess! I go to the submarine sandwich restaurant and I leave my submarine sandwich restaurant value card at home,every time! All I want is a free sandwich.”
“I… can taste… the sun! [Laughs wildly]”
“Oh this could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty longshoreman! To verb the adjective noun!”
“What a jerk! Napoleon’s got some sort of a complex. I don’t know what it is, but man.”
“ Well, uh, thanks for the trippy adventure through my subconscious, huh. I’ll call you.”
“He’s dead! I just got in a coffin with a dead body!”
“ Welcome aboard. Your death row name is… Silky Butterfly.”
“ Ba, ba ba ba, who’s got the legs? Me, that’s who, me! “
“ Oooh, yeah… if you could just do it now? Your son will still be dead when you come back.”
“ She’s attractive, smart, athletic, good looking, she’s hot, photogenic, she takes pride in her appearance. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I admire her commitment to community service.”
“ Fellow Americans, as we weave the fabric of our nation back together, I say to you: try the churros.”
“ Ponce de León was my best friend. He left me these pants. They’re Ponce’s pants… Ponce’s pants.”
“ The moon is chasing me. Everywhere I go, there he is! Knock it off, moon! I’m comin’ up there! “
“ Behold! The soothing power of this enchanted sweater vest! BEHOLD IT !”
“ My film is really coming along. I’m doing an autobiography called The Best of the Best of the Best of the Best of the Best.”
“ Hello, revelers! I am Captain Lavender, and this is my common-law wife, Rain Melon. “
“ I was into everything. Weed, grass, ganja, reefer, marijuana, mary-jane. I did it all. I even smoked pot once!”
“ As my clone father once so eloquently said: “Fervently, we do prawn.” Prawn? No, that can’t be right. Something about a scourge?”
“ Fine, whatever, this random dog is your new president.”
“ Think of it as an opportunity for building community. Hey, community! Skinny dipping in the piranha moat! Yowww! Everybody get naked! “
“ How do you like that Berry Blast? And by Berry Blast I mean a blast to your berries! Ehahaha! Pun thief! “
“ Well maybe everything’s changed, only you haven’t changed, so you’re the one who’s changed, because it’s all relative!”
“ He’d also like you to believe he’s not a baby eater, but he’s never gone on record saying he isn’t. Maybe he’s too busy EATING BABIES. “
“Our son would never do drugs. In an unrelated story, he’s been missing for four days.”
“I can stay UP all night LONG. I, ah, accentuated the UP, and also the, ah, LONG, for what I hope are, ah, obvious reasons.”
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