meh.

You know that meme that’s like “A job will have you, a 21 year old, with a 55 year old bestie” Well, AU where Ilya gets hired at the Treasury Board and quickly becomes besties with David Hollander. They’re really good at their jobs so they finish most of their work by 10:30 am and spend the rest of the day fucking around and pretending to be busy together. They get lunch together and talk shit about their boss. David tells Ilya that he’s throwing a birthday party and asks Ilya to come. “You can meet my son and talk hockey! I think you’ll like him!” Ilya decides to go and the party is in full swing when he arrives. David takes him around, introducing him to people until they make it to David’s son. David introduces him to Shane and Ilya is taken by how beautiful Shane is. He’s admiring Shane’s freckles when it dawns on him that he’s staring at THE Shane Hollander, best hockey player in the league. David told him that his son plays hockey but he never put it together that David’s Shane was THE Shane. Ilya and Shane end up in the far corner of the living room, talking all night as the party goes on around them. Years later at their wedding, during his speech, David admits to throwing the birthday party to hook Ilya and Shane up.

I love the everyone wants to fuck Shane Hollander agenda so picture like, Ilya at a team member's bachelor party and the whole Raiders team is there and everyone is drunk and they're playing games and just yelling out answers at the same time to questions like what's your favourite position and age you lost your virginity and giving each other shit for the answers but then there's what player you would go gay for and suddenly the whole team yells Shane Hollander at once to stunned silence afterwards and Ilya has the worst fucking night of his life

The way Shane always melts when Ilya kisses his neck 🥵

the idea that hollander "tamed" rozanov is really funny to shane because like. ilya finds it hot and is always going along with it, yes of course my husband is so sexy why do you think i moved to this boring fucking city. for dick. meanwhile shane knows the truth which is that ilya tamed himself. he herded shane like a sheepdog until he was exactly in the right position for ilya to flop down at his feet and say i love you, i am a one man guy, sleep with other people if you want but you are it for me, so shane is always there like ??? ilya. what are you talking about. i was literally prepared to be a secret slot on your roster for the rest of time without even admitting that i was gay until you decided to have me over make me lunch and say my name while you come like a love confession and ilya goes lyubmiyy. shut up. i was untamable you tamed the untamable and so shane has to be like yes, baby, i worked so hard, i used all my tricks but he's rolling his eyes because ilya wants to be a wolf shane coaxed inside to sleep on the hearth but instead he's a cat who snuck through the window and fell in love with his prey. self domesticated. and this is just one of the many perfect games they play

hey so shane spitting in ilya’s mouth. wait hold on let me paint a picture: he’s riding ilya into oblivion on the sofa, just grinding back and forth on his cock so fucking deep and slow with one hand cradling the back of his head and the other fisted in his curls. ilya may as well be a part of the furniture cuz he is fucking useless beneath him, head tipped back and unfocused eyes flickering between shane’s face and the place where their bodies connect. shane always thinks he looks so gorgeous like that, flushed and holding on for dear life, totally surrendered to the feeling of being inside of him. and he’s staring at his wet open mouth and brushing his bottom lip with his thumb, breathless and awestruck at how beautiful it is to have ilya like this, so soft and vulnerable and all for him, only for him. and ilya hasn’t said a word, but they make searing eye contact and then he opens a little wider and shane just knows what he’s asking for. so he gathers the saliva in his mouth and lets gravity do the rest, cupping ilya’s cheek and letting it fall onto his tongue, then bending down to kiss him so fucking sloppy as they both fall apart for each other <3

anyway good morning a crucial tenet of hollanov’s relationship is that they’re equals and they’re the only people in the world who could ever be each other’s equal. they were supposed to stand alone at the top but they’re there together. shane does not view ilya as a lazy useless inconvenience. ilya does not view shane as a nagging killjoy. they are equals and they both think the other is the best thing since sliced bread and they love each other but more importantly they LIKE each other. stop making them not like each other!

The hottest thing husbands Hollanov can do now is annihilate all nasty critics on the ice. I imagine a few loudmouth scum taunting their sexuality and marriage during a game and Hollanov murder their team on the scoreboard in response. Like it becomes suffocating for the opposite teams after a minute when they realize that they're playing Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov.