☆ghen☆

when will sorry be enough?

it won't really take all those years back.

and i don't think you are.

sorry, i mean.

maybe because i didn't tell you or anything.

it all just feels so unfulfilling.

it always feels like there's a hole leaking out, and i'm starting to think it's impossible to fix.

i can't get rid of it or hire anybody to fix it.

of course i tried! i tried to fix it myself, too.

but the words and effort never amount to anything! 

there's still a leak, and it pours out even more than ever.

you won't say sorry.

but even if you did, it won't ever make a difference.

i never felt normal, i've always felt like i've been half of me.

no amount of sorries can ever fix that.

i want to put all the blame onto you, as easy as it is to say it's your fault.

don't say you're sorry, don't apologize.

through the whole flower field i've tended to my entire life, suddenly you arrive.

suddenly i am so in love my heart sinks into the soil as soon as i see your smile.

suddenly i'm so captivated and entranced, i let myself be immersed in you.

it all happened so quick. instead of the watering pot, i find myself reaching for your hand instead. the lines on your palm say to do what i must, and my heart says to go for it.

i listened, and the garden looks even better than before.

the sight of you is brighter than before.

the light that shines on you is different, the flowers do not wither at your touch. the birds are delighted to have you, the grass is greener. the sun doesn't waste any time to rise.

HOW MUCH ARE YOU WILLING TO HIDE, BOY?

YOU'RE AFRAID. YOU SEEK COMFORT IN WHAT ISN'T REAL.

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE. I KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T SHOW, IN FEAR OF WHAT THEY'LL THINK.

YOU HIDE EVERYTHING UNDER YOUR PERSONA.

YOUR FAKE IDENTITY.

A CHARACTER MADE OF LIES AND DELUSION.

YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A CARICATURE OF THE IDEA OF A SELF.

YOU SOW, YET YOU DO NOT CLAIM YOUR HARVEST.

TELL ME, BOY.

oh dear cupid,

it aches, it yearns for more.

my heart wants more than what it can get.

i feel so selfish.

i feel so unwanted.

could you please take out the arrow you shot into my heart?

it bleeds out, and i'm afraid i'll die of the love that won't be returned.

believe me when i say i can't take it anymore.

please, grant my wish.

please, just take your arrow back.

you won't be apart of the memories i hide away in my mind.

because of you.

i won't share. i won't let anybody take anything ever again.

it was mine and it still is.

you will never know what it is to be in my position.

you will never know what it feels like.

you will never understand.

because of you, i don't remember when my heart started to forget.

i wish my heart was still as pure and pristine, to give and to cherish.

but that's all it was.

i change, and for better or for worse, i change.

my heart can never give itself to you again.

you've broken it one times too many.

never again will i hold your hand.

never again will i smile at the sight of you.

i sing the same song from centuries ago,

just this time, without the love i buried in it.

i dug up all the things that were about us.

i don't want to admit i miss being loved.

i hope the stars collide, and i'm between them.

and why? what's so wrong about being emotional?

i worked hard on it.

I LIVE TO LISTEN TO THE MUSIC AND DANCE IN THE FIELDS.

WHAT IS TO LIVE IF NOT TO PROSPER AND REJOICE AT THE BEAUTY OF THE EARTH'S SONG?

I AM STRONG. I AM RESILIENT.

JUST LIKE THE THUNDERSTORMS IN THE PAST, I WILL HOLD MY HAND AND BRAVE THROUGH THE FLOOD.

I WILL GET BETTER. I AM GOING TO GET BETTER.

I AM BETTER.

oh tell me, does your heart leak out all the love from centuries ago?

does the hole made from the injury and bruise make it drip out?

does it hurt?

does it hurt being told you can't give out your love without being left discarded?

are you strong? because you weren't weak?

or were you weak, because you couldn't be strong?

are you tired?

are you jaded?

would you be a dog? and whine when you answer?

you bite and scratch, but you say sorry anyway.

i wish i felt like i deserved it, even though they tell me i do.

all the love.

i know it's there. i just wish they didn't have to say it.

i wish it didn't hurt.

to all the dying stars in the sky,

please shine brighter than me.

i've burnt my bridges and lost my edge. 

i'm sorry i can't do what i always do. because i know thats what you want.

tell me you think of me too.

tell me your heart aches and yearns for me just like mine does for you.

I WANT TO HEAL. I WANT TO HEAL.

GOD I KNOW I'M NOT GOOD. BUT IS A BROKEN HEART NOT A PART OF YOUR CHOIR?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I'M SCARED. PLEASE HOLD ONTO ME LIKE YOU DID BEFORE.

GOD, WAS I NOT ENOUGH? HAVE I NOT FOUGHT IT? HAVE I NOT?

LET ME HEAL. LET ME HEAL.

GOD, I MISS GENUINE HAPPINESS.

GOD, I MISS ME.

GOD.

the rain is nice, but personally i prefer to keep an umbrella on me. that's just me though, i don't really enjoy getting wet.

maybe sometimes i do, because maybe i need to. sometimes i need to allow myself to get drenched in the storm.

then i can come home to a warm, soft, and dry bed.

life hasn't been too nice lately. probably even bad.

i'll be ok though i think. you'll be a distant memory soon. and all the bad feelings will come around later.

the sun always comes out after heavy rain anyways. i won't be needing my umbrella then.

i'll just put on my sunglasses, and drink juice on the shore. i'll be fine! i'll be so so great..!

i'll miss you, but i miss me more. and i love me more. i'll be ok.

but it hurts so much! it hurts so much to even think about it.

all the memories i could've had. all the memories i could have made!

you took that from me. you didn't even give me a chance. and you never even apologized.

are you sorry? are you sorry for what you did?

do you even know what you did to me?

do you even regret it? dad, mom?

i'll reach for the stars on a sunny day.

just so i can play in the fields like we used to.

in this old house, under the same roof.

you'll tell me you love me over and over again,

and i'll be fine the next day.

i'll put on a jacket one size too big.

i'll wear your glasses.

i wish i had a normal family.

i'm so excited to say i love you. to hold you as gentle and romantic as i do.

every intimate touch, word, i'll be there to keep in my heart.

so may hell cool over,

heave and earth dance the lambada,

do you like me just like i like you?

the moment i learned to ---- you, you were gone.

i can't have you, but i cling so desperately to nothing.

i look at the stars and i beg god, i'll give him everything. knowing i have nothing he wants.

why must i, the shooting star, say goodbye?

why can i only pass through for a second,

never to stay in the night sky you look at?

can i never be apart of the galaxy besides the moon?

i know i can't have you. and i'm sorry i ---- you.

i get scared of not feeling ok. because what if that ok turns into something bad?

i'll go home. i'll walk because you didn't give me money for the trike.

i'm sorry i'm not what you wanted me to be.

i mix coffee into my chocolate because it adds a richness while i just want to be able to call my feelings mine.

i have a lot of issues that i don't acknowledge, and i guess you have to put hot water before the ice so that once you add cold water it won't be bland.