My demons Hold My Mind

When I disappear who will remember?

Why do I even bother continuing to draw breath? There is no purpose, no reason, no anything for my existence. I should just disappear, not like it’d make a difference to anyone

When I die I won’t even be a footnote in someone else’s story but they were all chapters in mine

I know where I stand in society, I never belonged and I never will

This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. Waste away. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. Suffer like you deserve. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. Ending it is too simple, you don’t get that privilege. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. This is the life I deserve. May I never find peace.

I give up, you win. Now just end me

I made myself a promise a long time ago, it’s the only thing I’ve held onto this whole time. To end my loneliness, just 1 date over the course of 10 years. It didn’t even have to end well, just give me hope I was enough for someone for a brief moment. 10 years are around the corner and not a single day goes by I wish I could have won. Hope is dead and it’s all my fault for never being enough

Why does life work out for others and the rest of us are just incapable of having anything, I’m just so tired…what I’d do for a single moment of happiness

It just hurts that people claim one thing and then take it back when things get real. Everything that was gonna happen falls apart. I just wish things would work out for once

I’m so tired and stressed. The only source of release I had left now just makes me feel worse. I lose more and more energy by the day. I feel like a rechargeable battery that can’t hold it like it use to. What’s the point? I’m just gonna torture myself missing out as always, there’s no point. No matter how much I want to I’ll just keep holding myself back. Time will never rewind, things will never be right, everything is just broken

Nightmares just feed my fears. Remind me of how weak and pathetic I am. Dreams torture me. Grant me a false reality that I must awaken from. Every night is torture. Last night I dreamed that I was finally not alone. I was happy. I was loved. I felt her hand touch mine. Her fingers between mine. Her warmth. Her affection. I was living. Actually living. And then I woke up. Returned to this cold dark room. Returning to just surviving every day to repeat the cycle again and again. I still feel the touch of that false reality and it will torture me every waking moment. I have no worth in the waking world.

All I ever feel is anger. I can’t remember the last day I was happy. The things I once loved now disappoint me. Frustrate me. Anger me. And then it empties. I feel hollow. Like a void is in me. Without being annoying, angry, frustrated I’m empty. There is no happiness anymore. There is no joy. The is no jubilation. Why should I care where I’ll be in 10 years when I don’t even know where I’ll be in 10 minutes. If I’ll be alive in 10 days. I amount to nothing. My disappearance will not affect the world. My job. My family. Maybe it’s best I just left. If I wasn’t such a coward I’d have left long ago.

Day after day passes and still I curse this land with my existence, if I was placed here just to suffer someone let me know cause I’m tired of it. Why doesn’t anything work out? Why can’t I do anything? Why can’t I just human out like others? All I do is make things difficult, my existence just makes things harder on others, they would be better without me. They will be better without me