Gravity Falls: Reboot

Me: [takes a deep breath]

Me: STANLEY PINES DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS HE GREW UP IN A TERIBLE HOUSEHOLD AND WAS TEASED ALL HIS LIFE AND WHEN HIS ONLY FRIEND IN THE WORLD ABANDONED HIM TOO AFTER AN ACCIDENT HE SPENT HIS LIFE TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT AND PROVE TO HIS FAMILY HE WASN'T WORTHLESS BUT HE ENDED UP HOMELESS ND SLEEPING IN HIS CAR PLAYING LOTTO TICKETS FOR FOOD AND PROBABLY THOUGHT HOW EVERYONE WAS RIGHT ABOUT HIM THE WHOLE TIME AND THAT HE WAS A BUFFOON AND USELESS AND WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING WORTHWHILE IN HIS LIFE OR HAVE A FAMILY AGAIN

Me: [TAKES AN EVEN DEEPER BREATH]

Me: AND THEN WHEN HIS RICH BROTHER FINALLY CONTACTED HIM STANLEY THOUGHT HE WOULD HAVE FRIENDS AND HE COULD HAVE A FAMILY AND WOULDNT HAVE TO LIVE ON THE STREETS DEALING WITH SHADY PEOPLE ANYMORE BUT THEN STANFORD JUST SENT HIM AWAY WITH WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS A STUPID BOOK AND BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER GOOD AT GETTING HIS FEELINGS ACROSS HE ATTACKS HIS BROTHER AFTE HE STANFORD CALLS HIM WORTHLESS AND THEN ACCIDENTLY SENDS HIM INTO A PORTAL AND STANLEY DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER HIS BROTHER IS ALIVE OR MISSING OR DEAD

Me: [PULLS OF INHALER]

Me: AND SO HE STAYS IN THE HOUSE THAT HIS BROTHER BUILT WITH THE CONSTANT REMINDER THAT NOT ONLY WAS STANFORD BETTER THAN ANYTHING HE WILL EVER BE BUT HE'S BRANDED WITH THE FACT THAT HE POSSIBLY MURDERED THE ONE PERSON WHO EVER ACCEPTED AND CARED FOR HIM IN HIS ENTIRE SHITTY LIFE

ME: [falls to the ground]

May 12, 2035

Dipper was dressed in the familiar loincloth during his initial trials. He covered his skin in ash and slicked his hair back. He knew this was no game. Manly Dan was going to do everything he could to kill him. Dipper had to defend himself and wrestle with the fact that he may have to make another hard choice. He just hoped it wouldn’t come down to that.  

“It’s time.” Beardy said. Dipper nodded and exited the sweat room.

All the Manotaurs hooted and hollered as Dipper the Destructor entered. Manly Dan was already standing in the arena. He could see many Manotaurs were making side bets as he circled the ring and thrust his fists into the air.

“We have made five challenges of Manliness to conclude the feud between Destructor and Manly Dan! Building stuff, Knocking things down, punching things, eating things, and final combat.”

Dipper groaned. Facing Manly Dan in an eating contest was not something he looked forward to… and hoped the punching portion was not going to involve trading blows with each other.

“As Final combat is final… we will have the competitors choose which challenge to start with by a burping contest!”

Tankards were set in front of Dipper and Manly Dan. Manly Dan grabbed the mug, downed the beer, crushed the pewter tankard on his head and let out an ear shattering burp. Many Manotaurs cheered at his feat. Dipper was not going to lose this one. He grew up with burping contests with his sister, and knew exactly what to do.

He downed the entire drink in one gulp and held his breath. The key to a good burp isn’t expending all the air at once, but a controlled release. With that you can do some amazing things.

Dipper opened his mouth and performed a feat no Manotaur has ever seen.

“Dipper the Destructor vows to punch that which is sissy, mock that which is girly, and be the manliest man a man can be. Let it be known from this day forward.. I am the Destructor!” Dipper said in one long burp. He grinned at the stunned faces of his peers as he had just burped the Manotaur vow he took when he finished his final challenge as a youth.

The manotaurs erupted in cheers at his manly feet. To top it off, he let out a huge fart. The crowd erupted into chants of his name.

“Hmph… show off.” Dan said.

Dipper thought about his choices. He was sure building and knocking things down were feats he could do. The eating and punching he was almost certain he would lose. The key was to make it to the final combat. If he was fighting Dan after eating, that could seriously inhibit him… same with punching things. It would be best to let his stomach settle and get the eating portion out of the way first.

“I have made my choice!” Dipper said. “I choose eating things!”

“HA!” Manly Dan said “You dare challenge me to a contest of food?”

Dipper grinned, if all went according to plan… this may play into his favor.

“The challenge has been made! To the banquet hall!” Leaderaur bellowed. The crowd of Manotaurs lept into the arena and carried Dan and Dipper off to the banquet hall.

**********

“Any man can eat soft foods like pancakes and beef jerky…” Leaderaur said. “But it takes a man to eat… other things.”

The crowd grumbled and nodded in agreement.

“We have a selection of foods found in the forest. Each will choose the opponent’s food. The opponent must eat the food. The one who throws up or quits… loses.” Leaderaur said.

Dipper looked at the table and felt his stomach churn. Various bugs crawled on leaf piles, mushrooms and other mosses he couldn’t identify, along with small pebbles, a plate of lizards and frogs, tree bark, and a bowl of goldfish. Dipper’s eyes spied a small mushroom with a yellow cap and white spots; psilocybin.

Dipper stared down Manly Dan as Leaderaur spoke.

“Since the Destructor chose the feat... Manly Dan chooses first!”

“Lets see how you like the taste of the trees!” Manly Dan said with a grin. “I choose the pine bark!”

The Manotaurs hooted and hollered, chanting “Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!” Leaderaur placed a plate of bark scraped from a tree in front of Dipper. the pieces were the size of his hand.

“Do we get anything to drink with such a fine and life sustaining meal?” Dipper asked. If he could wash it down, he might be able to eat it. Leaderaur motioned and a flagon of mead was slammed in front of him.

“This.. is all you get for the contest… no refills.” he said. Dipper nodded. He’d make it work. He’s eaten most of the live protein squirming… he didn’t know about the pebbles… might have to get them surgically removed, but he’d live. The chanting crescendoed as Dipper broke off a bite sized piece and chewed it. It was like eating wood.

Dipper stared at Manly Dan as he tore off piece by piece. When his mouth was full, he’s wash down the pulped wood with a drink of mead. It took him about ten minutes to finish his chunk of food. He thrust his hands in the air and the chanting manotaurs erupted in cheers.

“Dipper the Destructor has eaten the Wood!” Leaderaur said. “Now… what will you make Manly Dan eat?

Dipper didn’t want to go for the mushrooms just yet… This was his chance to sabotage Dan for their final fight.

“He made me eat bark… so he can eat rocks!” Dipper said. Manly Dan grunted as a plate of rocks were set before him. If he needs his stomach pumped, he’d pay for it… but Dipper’s at a disadvantage. His stomach already hurt, and he felt sick. He took small sips of the mead to coat the already expanding bark.

Dan picked up each stone and swallowed it without taking a drink. After the final stone was swallowed he broke the plate across his head. The Manotaurs erupted in cheers.

“Give him the bugs.” Manly Dan said. Dipper was given a plate of caterpillars, beetles, and moths. Dipper quickly ate them, and grinned as he laid his eyes on the other animal plate. There was a brightly colored frog sitting there with a plethora of lizards.

“Give him the Lizards and Frogs.” Dipper proclaimed once he finished the last squirming larva. Dipper made sure to stare intently at the mushrooms and made sure Dan saw it. If he acted like he wanted them next, Dan would pick the fish tank. Dipper could easily swallow the fish. The bugs actually helped his upset stomach.

Manly Dan grabbed a handful of lizards and tore into them. Dipper felt sick watching him chomp them in half and sucking out their innards. He made every effort to make it as disgusting and unsettling as possible. Dipper smiled when he swallowed the toad. It may not be the colorado river toad, but there should be enough poison to weaken his massive opponent.

Dipper glanced over at the mushrooms and moss. Manly Dan grinned and took a massive swig from his drink.

“Think you need to go fishing.” He said. The manotaurs cheered as Dipper swallowed each fish one by one. He counted thirty and thanked that he was done. He finished his tankard and felt them moving around in his stomach. He felt like he was going to puke.

“Give him the moss and mushrooms.” Dipper said with a burp.

“Ha! This is a salad to me!” Manly Dan said and fisted the mushrooms and moss into his mouth. He finished it in two bites. That was all Dipper needed. He leaned over and let the fish go.

“Dipper has lost!” Leaderaur bellowed. Dipper was given a bucket and allowed to purge his stomach It took three or four tries, and he was able to remove most of the bark. He felt better, and knew Manly Dan was going to be having a harder time than he was. All he had to do was wait for his landmine to go off.

“I… I accept defeat. Manly Dan, you choose the next task.” Dipper said as he stumbled up and grimaced.

“Punching things…” He grinned. Dipper knew this would happen. He retched into his bucket a final time and waved.

**********

Dipper sat in the back room while waiting for the Manotaurs to set up the next trial. Beardy and Testosteraur sat next to him and patted him on the back.

“You did good. It’s only one game.” Testosteraur said. The cheers erupted from the arena. Beardy nodded and led Dipper into the arena.

“Now we punch things!” Leaderaur bellowed. Dipper’s heart sunk. They had two inch thick granite slabs lined up in racks with an inch of space between them. He could probably break one or two of them, but Manly Dan could decimate the entire setup. He looked over at Dan and could see his eyes were dilated. Dipper’s plan may backfire if he was hopped up on shrooms.

“You punch… most broken slabs win!” Leaderaur said. Manly Dan looked like a bull, his nose was flared and he seemed to be raging. Dipper saw a fading square nearby. Rick must be riling him up.

Dipper didn’t even need to say a word. Manly Dan stormed to his set of slabs and plowed his fist through the stones. Dipper counted twenty slabs that broke out of twenty five. He withdrew a bloody hand from inside the stones and bellowed a roar. The Manotaurs followed suit and chanted “Punch! Punch! Punch!”

Dipper knew he lost this one. Everyone quieted down as he approached his granite slabs. Dipper’s mind ran every scenario he could. A quiet fell over the crowd as Dipper put his hand on the front slab and pressed slightly. To his surprise there was some give, not to the stones, but the wooden structure that held them. The table the structure was on stood about four feet high. This gave him an idea.

“By definition, a punch is my fist landing on the slab, and then pulling it away. I get one punch right? Even if it’s a slow one?” Dipper asked. Leaderaur conferred with his fellow Manotaurs.

“Dipper… are you using brain magic again? That’s what a punch is. You hit it once, and break as many as you can.”  Beardy said.

“Alright… watch closely!” Dipper said and rested his fist on the slab. He gave it a small amount of pressure, and pulled back, never letting his fist lift from the slab. “All I have to do is break them all.”

Dipper rocked back and forth, pushing with all his weight and getting the whole structure rocking. Dipper grinned as the momentum scooted the frame an inch. He kept up the rhythm as the Manotaurs stared in stunned silence.

“He’s cheating!” Dan bellowed

Dipper kept up his pressure. He could see the ropes that tied together the slots that held the granite slabs in place move and frey. He redoubled his pressure and put all his weight in it. The rocking increased and he could hear the wood groan with each push. The blocks weight scooted the slabs closer and closer to the edge. With one final push, the whole structure tumbled off the table. The force shattered the granite slabs.

The Manotaurs erupted in cheers.

“Destructor wins!” Leaderaur shouted. “Let him choose the next competition!”

“Build things!” Dipper shouted.

Beardy and Testosteraur carried Dipper out on their shoulders as the Manotaurs chanted “Build! Build! Build! Build!”. He noticed Manly Dan’s hand looked broken and blood was trailing from a cut on his knuckle.

**********

When Dipper was taken back to the arena, he stared at a pile of junk. It had everything from old tires, dressers, bed frames, to anything else you could find in a junkyard. Manly Dan stood in front of a similar pile.

“The competitors will take turns placing one object down. The next person will stack on top of the first object. They will take turns until the tower falls. The one whose turn it is when the tower falls is the loser!” Leaderaur bellowed.

Dipper’s mind ran all the scenarios. He needed a win. Manly Dan’s face was red and breathing ragged. The poison frog and mushrooms he ate were taking their toll. Dipper had purged most of the foods he ate already and he was sure the rocks had settled in Dan’s stomach and were already causing him pain. His hand was broken Dipper saw, Manly Dan couldn’t make a fist with it without wincing.

Turning his attention to the piles, there were a few ways this could play out. He could lay down smaller objects and let the uneven sides topple the tower. The excitement of the crowd washed over him as Manly Dan grabbed a dryer and slammed it down between them. The thought occurred to him to place something inside the dryer, thus preventing any further stacking, but that might be too much brain magic for the Manotaurs. They wanted to see a massive structure and an epic battle between the two of them. Dipper would give them a show.

Dipper grabbed the lawn mower and slammed it on top of the dryer. Manly Dan slammed an old TV on top of the lawn mower.

After ten exchanges. The stack of items was already an impressive sight. Dipper realized what they were going to have to do, and decided to rethink his strategy. They had no ladders or any way to get to the top without scaling the already wobbling monstrosity. Dipper had the advantage, due to his small frame. He managed to place a computer desk, on which Dan set an armoire. Dipper countered with a small bookshelf. Dipper saw that carrying up an end table he picked out for his next piece was going to be difficult.

Manly Dan was not one to shy away from a challenge. Dipper watched in awe as he climbed up the rickety tower of junk and swung up a chest of drawers, minus the drawers. It landed gently on top, on the back. Dan let go and slammed into the ground. He grinned at Dipper, while Dipper looked up the fifteen foot tower.

Dipper saw Manly Dan’s face was red and he was covered in sweat. His breathing was ragged and he was wobbling slightly. The frog and mushrooms are really working themselves in. It was time to end this. Dipper grabbed the end table and scaled the mountain of junk. He could feel the weight shift under him, and would counterbalance himself by placing the end table opposite of him and slowly pull it up.

Once at the top, he broke off one of the legs and wedged the corner into the open space of the drawers. The table balanced perfectly and looked like he placed a flag on the top of a mountain. He climbed down and grinned smugly at Manly Dan.

Dan looked up and over at his junk. There was no way to place something on top of that. He walked over to the junk pile and punched it. He bellowed out his rage as the furniture cascaded down around him. The few pieces that would have hit him, he simply smashed them away from him.

“Cheater!” He bellowed. Leaderaur shook his head no.

“Destructor won fair and square. The score is Destructor two, Dan one. Should Destructor win the next challenge, he wins.”

‘De...Struct...Or! De… Struct...Or!” the Manotaurs chanted. Dipper walked away from Manly Dan and headed back to his sweat room to prepare for the next challenge.

**********

“Knocking things over is an ancient Manotaur tradition. When we see a mighty tree acting all high and mighty… we need to show it who’s boss and knock it over!” Leaderaur yelled. The Manotaurs cheered.

“We have set up various things to knock over. They have numbers on them to rank them on how hard it is… 1 being baby to 10 being super manly.

Manly Dan was sitting cross legged against a wall. Dipper counted six squares lined up in an arc around his head all whispering something to him. Dipper realized it was a bad idea to drug him. He looked almost berserk.

Dipper got to go first… he walked around the arena and looked at some of the items. He spied a table covered in weights with a number 4 on top. He stood in front of it and the Manotaurs chanted “Knock it down! Knock it down!”

Dipper steadied himself and lifted with his legs. He was able to get under the wood table and pivot the weight on the legs and sent the almost thousand pounds of free weights crashing to the ground. The arena erupted in cheers.

Dan got up and stormed over a station wagon that had a 6 on the top. He punched out all the glass, and squatted down. Getting his hands under the chassis, he lifted it up and flipped the car. The Manotaurs cheered him on.

Dipper looked around for a good number 8, There was a towering marble column that stood almost fifteen feet high and six feet wide. Dipper undid his loincloth, and used it as a rope. He shimmied up to the top of the column and swung back and forth. His leverage and momentum rocked the column and turned it into a swaying pendulum. With his last swing, he moved himself to the top of the toppling column and dove off and into a tucked roll when it crashed. He spun his loincloth with a hoot in celebration. THe Manotaurs erupted in cheers and laughter.

“Put your pants on!” Beardy shouted and chuckled.

Dipper did as he was told and stood next to Dan.

“Your move.” He said.

“This ends now.” Dan said and stormed to the only object marked as 10

In the center of the ring stood a giant boulder. It had to way at least a hundred tons. It was bigger than the marble column he just toppled and about as wide as it was tall.

“Dan… you don’t have to do that… go to one of the 9’s” Dipper pleaded. Dan stormed over to the giant rock.

Silence filled the arena. Dipper sat on the floor and patiently watched. If Dan failed, he would win, but if he lost, he needed to conserve his energy for their final fight.

Dan ran his hand across the coarse surface as he spoke to himself. He circled the stone three times and stopped. Manly Dan walked to the opposite end of the arena and ran like a bull out of the gate to the rock. He bellowed like a madman as his massive body slammed into the stone. Everyone could hear him strain and watched him digging his shoes into the dirt to find more traction. Then… the rock moved.

“Dan… Dan… Dan…. Dan.” The crowd chanted with a low thrum. Dan strained and was turning purple with the amount of energy he was using. the chanting became faster and louder. The rock lift an inch from the ground and Dan’s footing became sure. He let out a long cry and Dipper watched in horror as the giant boulder fell over to the side.

Dipper sighed. He had hoped to win this one, but now he was going to face Dan in combat. Beardy left the stage with Dipper while Dan stayed to relish in the cheers.

**********

Dipper was led out of the man cave and followed Beardy up a rocky path to a natural limestone bridge.

Leaderaur raised his arms as he spoke.

“Both have shown true manliness and are both worthy of their claim. Alas, one must be cast out. Final Combat!” Leaderaur shouted. “Destructor and Dan must make it to the other side. There are no rules. First one across wins”

“I can shove him off the cliff?” Dan asked.  

“If… that is what you feel you must do, there are no rules… only honor.” Leaderaur said. “None of our kind has ever intentionally done so before.”

Dipper leaned over the edge and sighed. The drop had to be good five hundred feet.

“Dan… we can talk about this. You don’t have to do this. I’ll quit right now if we stop. Do you want me to give up?” Dipper said.

“Do you see how he begs?” Dan shouted. “Surely a man would face his own destiny and not try to talk his way out of it!”

He raised his hands, expecting a cheer, but the manotaurs looked at each other uneasily.

“After I lost my parents… you were like a father to me.” Dipper said. “I don’t want to risk losing you… not like this! I can stand you hating me forever, but think of your kids! You have a family who loves and needs you!”

Dipper saw Dan’s face crack slightly. He seemed to be getting through to him. A dozen squares appeared behind him and opened their mouth simultaneously, any trace of hesitation was blasted away by Rick.

Dan lunged forward and raced out ahead of Dipper. Dipper chased after him. He needed to catch up. Dan stopped suddenly and spun around grinning ear to ear. Dipper barely had time to slide as Dan’s massive arms reached for a bearhug.

“Dan! Stop!” Dipper yelled. He scrambled back as Dan pounded the bridge with both fists. “Are you crazy!?”

Dipper knew he was going to have to fight him. He readied himself in a judo stance. He’d have to grapple Dan as most blows he could do would not phase the massive giant. If he could get his legs around his neck. he may be able to choke him out and get him to pass out.

Dan charged ahead like a bull. Dipper used this opportunity to charge forward. With all his momentum, he did a front roll and spring up with his hands, shoving both feet directly into his chin. Dan’s eyes burned with fire and a massive hand wrapped around Dipper’s calf and squeezed.

Dipper’s mind went blank for a moment as intense pain flooded his system. He was upside down and he could see the drop below. Dan was holding him over the ledge. Dipper rocked back and forth to get a good swing started. He felt Dan let go, and for a moment he was in freefall. There was a collective gasp from the Manotaurs. Dipper’s swing lent him enough momentum to flip around and grab onto Dan’s arm. He pulled himself onto the massive arm and wrapped his arms and legs around it.

Dan screamed at him and punched his back repeatedly to get him off. Dipper closed his eyes and prayed he could withstand the punishment. When Dan drew his fist back for another blow. Dipper shot out his legs and scissored his throat, getting the trachea behind his knee and locking his ankles. He bearhugged the stray arm, as he needed to keep it from shaking him off. Dan stumbled as Dipper applied more and more pressure. He could feel Dan’s punches getting weaker and weaker. Dipper bellowed as he squeezed with all of his might. Manly Dan fell limp and collapsed onto the bridge.

Dipper pulled himself up and checked on Dan. He was still breathing. Dipper blew a breath of relief and got up. He still needed to finish the challenge. Dipper made his way to the other side of the bridge.

“Dipper!” Beardy yelled. “Behind you!”

Dipper didn’t even think, his mind was all reflex. He felt the vibrations of Manly Dan stumbling after him. He was low and off balance. Dipper’s world became slow motion as he turned around to see the incoming attack. Dan’s hand was outstretched, trying to grab him. Dipper side stepped the thrusting hand, and shoved as hard as he could to the back wrist and elbow. Immediately Dipper knew he shoved too hard.

Dan lost his balance, fell and slid. Dipper ran after him and jumped forward, grabbing his hand with both of his and digging his heels into the dirt.

It was too little too late. Manly Dan slid over the edge of the bridge.

“DAN!” Dipper screamed. He was pulled to the side, and held onto the massive wrist with both hands. Dan’s face was calm… almost serene. “Dan! Hold on! We can get you up! SOMEONE COME HELP ME!”

“Dipper! We can’t go on the bridge. One more of us will collapse the whole thing and kill all of us!” Beardy shouted. “Hold there, we’ll get some rope!”

“Dan… stay with me, grab my arm with your other hand!” Dipper stammered. Dan looked up at him and gave him a grin.

“Still saving everyone…” Dan said. “I’m sorry for what I said… I don’t know what came over me. My head is clear for once. Let me go Dipper, or you’ll fall with me.”

“NO! What about Wendy? Your sons! What about your grandchildren! I won’t let you give up!” Dipper said, and tried to pull him up. He felt his hands slipping. ”DAN!”

“I meant what I said… I do love you like a son.” Dan said. “And because of that, I can’t let you fall with me.”

Dipper watched in horror as Dan shook off his hand and slowly fell back. The manotaurs threw rope after rope from under the ledge to try and catch him, but none were able to lasso the falling lumberjack. Like the countless trees that fell by his hand… Manly Dan crashed into the ground.

**********

“... and that’s what happened.” Dipper said. Wendy stood next to him on the porch of her home and stared at the furry mound before them. Lee and the kids were at the arcade like Dipper suggested during his call to Wendy. Beardy and the Manotaurs had wrapped Dan’s body in various pelts and helped bring him back to town.

Dipper looked over to Wendy. Her face was stone. Dipper held out Manly Dan’s axe, the one he tried to kill Dipper with. He knew it was like his circle’s totems, but it was Dan’s favorite axe, and it needed to be given back to his family. He hoped Wendy would refuse it. To his dismay, she wordlessly took it from his hand, and let it fall to her side, but not out of her grip.

“I quit.” She whispered. Dipper nodded. He wanted to say a thousand things to her. Apologize, beg her forgiveness, or help her understand. He knew she understood what happened, but it still didn’t change the fact that his reaction to Dan’s attack sent her father over that ledge.

Her body quaked, as she tried to hold herself together. Dipper knew he was not wanted there. She’d find everything she needed paid for. He knew it wouldn’t bring back her father, but it’s the least he could do.

Dipper made his way to Northwest Manor. Mabel, Pacifica and Gideon were waiting for him in the main hall. Pacifica and Mabel rushed over and slammed into him with their embrace. Pacifica kissed his swollen face all over and they both asked him a million questions that fell on deaf ears. Dipper sat down on the stairs and waited for them to be quiet.