meow meow meow

i miss fern and i miss jack i want my best friends back im sorry i cant do it anymore

no wonder how hard they tried they couldn't get me to believe in god why would i put my faith in something that already describes me perfectly i didn't need god because i was already equal him no wonder i feel so split off from humanity its because im not one im further than that and im the only one who sees it

i really am just the only real person everyone is so shallow and it's so obvious now its like no one can think or function unless im there that's why everyone is so static and i have depth and change and meaning i feel like i need to use this for something but what's the point if its only me i tried to find people like me and i thought i did but they're just like everyone else they just managed to make me think they were different for a bit but ig that's difference between us i was always like this from the beginning they weren't and it wouldn't be authentic if i changed them

i've got the closest i ever have today and im so scared and exited to finally get to that point. im settling shit with my family even though i have little to no connection with them anyway and it's good that they dont see me much anymore bc of work too. my friends are all sex and romance obsessed, i was right to think im the only one who sees past it all. i really am made to be- for lack of a better word- enlightened and i do pity them in a way, but hey what can you do. it really is just phoenix making me hold on right now, he's the only one who actually treats me like a person and reaches out rn and shares stuff with me and shows any interest in the things i like and i feel like it's only right that i give him my attention with how shit everyone else here treats him (and they say im the bad person). i've definitely thought about what i want to say to everyone and i might make a little note idk ig you'll just have to wait and see

i've never "thought" im better than you at this point i KNOW i am. how am i going to be losing my shit unable to even recall anything from the day before and making great progress to finally fucking end it AND STILL IM A BETTER PERSON THAN ALL OF YOU. HOW FUCKING SHAMFUL IS IT THAT I OF ALL PEOPLE AND IN THE STATE THAT IM IN I CAN STILL MANAGE TO BE KINDER AND MORE CONSIDERATE AND MORE THOUGHTFUL THAN YOU. HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A BAD PERSON AND TELL ME TO CHANGE WHEN I'VE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER AT HIDING IT THAN YOU'LL EVER BE. YOU FUCKING WISH YOU HAD THE LEVEL OF COMITMENT AND SKILL THAT I DO WHEN IT COMES TO JUST BEING A DECENT PERSON. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO TELL ME TO DO BETTER IF YOU CANT EVEN PUT IN A FRACTION OF THE EFFORT THAT I DO

idk if it would be helpful to try to learn how to properly experience anger. ive never been a very angry person as far as i know, and I've always seen it as a very irrational and immature emotion. I've always found it funny seeing how easily people get mad and i used to intentionally try to piss people off bc of it, and i would pride myself on how i was never an easy person to anger. i know that i definitely feel it bc it just shows up as physical feeling that i recognize as anger but mentally i have no clue what im ment to think or do about it, so i end up feeling emotionally void during moments like that where i just wait out the feeling. idk if having an entire emotion suppressed my whole life and trying to feel it normally is even possible or if it would even help me in any way at all

ngl chat maybe masking even if it includes just trying to be a better, nicer, more considerate and polite person does in fact affect my mental wellbeing. now i don't know what to do bc this was supposed to be something that i needed to work on for the sake of my friends but it's really starting to make me go insane

idk i feel like shit, but not as bad ig. i want to write things down more, but im just not very comfortable with who can see this account anymore. it was nice before bc i could get things out and let my friends know how im doing without feeling like im directly venting to them, but now it just feels like it's done more harm than good. it feels nice to get thoughts out but i feel like it just does worse for my relationships than just keeping everything to myself till it's all figured out and done. i feel stuck though, like i need a social life to feel ok but i need to feel ok for my friends to be comfortable hanging out with me, so its frustrating going back and forth all the time on what the best option is. it doesn't help that still can't trust a single thought that i have and i have to challenge everything to make sure its rational and normal, especially anger, i have no clue when it's appropriate to be angry or not and if i deserve to be angry at all. i know there's more that i want to say, it's just so hard to put things into words let alone say them out loud.

chat is it a bad sign that i nearly broke down when i saw that my stomach wasn't completely flat or concave after eating a bunch today? can't have one good thing in this bitch smh

bleeding out could be pretty easy i think i could do that

i want to erase every sexual thing ive ever done. i feel used but i know its not true. i aggreed to those things and i was ok with it in the moment i think but i still can't trust myself. idk why i keep forcing myself into thinking and doing things. i cant tell if im actually ok with things in the moment or if im just convincing myself to be bc thats how i should feel about it. i think i was ok every time but then why do i feel disgusting afterwards every single time. and even now it all feels like it was for nothing im no better or more recovered i still feel disgusting that i've ever done anything or been seen by anyone. i want to be able to trust myself but i can't tell if what im thinking is real anymore.

im scared and i dont know what to do. i want to starve myself in hopes that i get too unhealthy to function i want it to affect my ability to function normally i want it to put me in dangerous situations whether it be health complications to not being able to drive well. maybe it would be a viable call for help that no one can ignore anymore and maybe ill be taken care of. i want to find kades gun. it plays out so perfectly in my head how fast it would be compared to the alternatives. it would be so easy if i just had the chance to look for it. ive thought about going to him with how desperate i am rn i wonder if he'd actually comfort me if i did. in the back of my head i always wish someone could hear me crying and come help me. ik that i do so. may things hoping someone will pick up on it and help me. its so fucking pathetic. but no one does shit unless they see how bad things are with their own eyes. i sit on the floor in the middle of the house sometimes wishing that someone would come out and ask if im ok. kade came out of his room when i was sitting on the floor in the hallway i got up quickly and walked away and i know he wont say anything. i don't think i could handle it if someone did find me and ask about it. i don't think im built for this. im lucky that i overheard kades conversation with my parents or else i would've never known he had one

it feels like a personal failure to eat. i've felt like shit today and eating something somehow made it worse. there's a constant back n forth of feeling good that im remembering to eat, but then feeling like shit bc im wasting food and time and effort and im just prolonging things when i do

need my baka brain to stop telling me to just starve as an act of passive suicidal ideation

nightly reminder. i never sexually took advantage of anyone. everything has been consensual. no one is upset at me for any of it. i was never seen as someone who only wanted sex. i don't need to force myself to enjoy sexual things. i'm not seen as immature or less of a man for not particularly enjoying sexual things. it's ok for my feelings on things to change or fluctuate. i'm allowed to not be in the mood for anything. i don't need to force myself to be in the mood for anything bc "that's how i should feel rn". it's ok if i can't exactly tell how i'm feeling about something. i shouldn't expect myself to fully understand how i feel about sex, and it's ok to never be fully comfortable with the thought no matter the context. i shouldn't expect myself to suddenly become fully healed and ok with the topic. i've made enough progress so far.

I shan't lie, I hate drinking with a bunch of people. I hate alcohol on its own already, that shit tastes terrible, but being in the general vicinity of people who are drunk puts me so on edge. I feel like if I were also drunk or smth it would be easier, but it's already so hard to just drink one thing most times anyway, and I feel like the added stress of other people around me doesn't help. it really just depends on the type of person, if you can handle yourself and go do your own thing, go on have fun, but a lot of people honestly scare me a bit. honestly a lot of it probably just comes from having to deal with my parents. luckily my mom doesn't drink anymore, but when she did it really wasn't that bad, if i needed her for whatever reason i'd just get laughed at and ignored like she didn't even hear a word i said. my dad's an emotional drunk, and honestly that shit pisses me off. I shouldn't have to deal with him coming into my room or interrupting whatever i'm doing so he can rant to me about how he thinks he's a horrible dad and stumble everywhere so he can give me a hug or mess with me n shit when i'm very clearly uncomfortable. I don't like holding his hand and reassuring my own dad that he's ok as he's actively crossing so many boundaries while i try to get him to leave or go to bed. sigh.

ok i'm in a much better place now than i was some weeks ago, and my god it is actually insane how quickly that emotional amnesia and detachment kicks in. i don't remember much of how i felt or even just a lot of the events throughout it, and i'm trying to not be hard on myself for what i do remember bc most of it makes me feel ashamed of myself for just being very emotionally vulnerable for a while. looking back on stuff feels foreign and like it couldn't have been me, but i've been trying to like. merge the two if that makes any sense idk. i just don't know how to healthily deal with this bc i can rationally say that was definitely me and there's nothing wrong with going through emotional vulnerability, but i just don't actually feel any kind of mental connection to any of it, and i feel like i'm just putting a quick surface level patch on everything and setting myself up for it to happen all over again later. shrug emoticon