go my blog hamster

objectively i know i was sexually abused and shit but it’s so easy to disbelieve everything because nothing feels real

im really great at this thing called making myself go from feeling a little bit weird to completely awful with only a few minutes’ worth of thinking

Getting attached to people is sooooo scary and i do not like it even though i know it’s normal . It is easy for me to act like i don’t care about people’s opinions on me when it doesn’t feel like i’m more attached to someone than they are to me. i really dislike being put in that position, because it feels like they’ll definitely leave me…. i can hardly see a reason someone would stay with me if they aren’t equally as attached as i am if not more but #whatever

some of my trauma seems so unrealistic. sometimes i wish i was dead

i wonder if i’ll ever stop talking to myself. i wonder if i’ll ever think right. i wish i could, but the answer is probably not

Everything i love will some day die. what’s wrong with me?

i wish i could die too

it’s so deeply unfair. i wish the world was fair. i wish i could get what i want but what i want is just for my friends to be happy. i want my friends to get what they deserve. i don’t know how i can deal with this i feel like nothing matters.

i noticed i hold my breath a lot when i start to cry

i feel like a lot of my system doesnt really care about me as a person. probably because they dont. but they dont care if im happy or not they just want us to not die. i dont see whats so bad about dying. i think it sounds nice for me even though its so selfish. i just wish people would know i would be happiest that way. in reality i would be happiest through something i cant accomplish right now but dying is quite closely up there

i’m sorry for everything i’ve ever done. i didn’t mean to do it, but that’s a lie. i guess i knew what i was doing.

i want my death to be something creative. but how do you make something as subjective as ‘art’ from something so concretely terrifying? people won’t see anything but where i used to be. so i have to make due with my life. and how do i put beauty into practice with a life like that

i think i want to want someone but i ‘have’ no one. the person i’m attached to doesn’t love me like i love him, and i doubt that he thinks about me like i think about him. i really just want him to love me, but i want to get over him. i want to be able to fixate proper again, even though it’s painful.