Genuinely Sane Writer

(Also on A03)

“Sometimes I think I’m broken.”

James leans back into the pads of his hands before he murmurs back to me, “you can’t be broken, Lily.”

I toss him a dejected look. “You don’t think war can break people?”

The sky overhead is a shimmering blue, a poor reflection of what is supposed to be the end of the summer. Most people expect clouds and wind in September, but all we have is yellowing grass and a hot sun beating overhead. I remember a time when September marked the start of a new year learning magic, studying with friends, and kissing behind tapestry’s.

I wish life was still that simple.

James shifts beside me, making it so that his right hip connects with my left. His hair is always a mess, but it’s absolutely horrific now that he’s just woken up from a nap. I admire the stubble on his face. It has grown over his soft face and turned him into a rugged man.

We are in the middle of the English countryside tracking a lead for our boss, and we had been staking out together for a week already. I’d originally not wanted to go on any missions with James, but now they are the only missions that I take.

Not for any professional reason of course. It was only because I know I would never recover if James Fleamont Potter died without me at his side. I had loved him practically our whole lives, and I couldn’t imagine a world without him.

“James?” I say his name to break him from whatever trance he’s fallen into.

His hazel eyes blink lazily back to me, as if he was still pondering her original statement. “Do you really think you’re broken?”

I frown and look down at my jeans. They’re stained with grass and mud. I have been craving a shower, but we still have two hours left on our stake out. James scoots closer to me and places a finger under my chin. I allow him to draw my eyes up to his.

“What could possibly make you think that you are broken?” He repeats himself with more clarity, a hardness in his handsome face.

“I haven’t cried in months.” I say, my voice steady despite my openness. “I didn’t cry when I heard about Annika Jones. I didn’t cry when we lost the Prewett’s. I didn’t even cry when Sirius got hurt in the last mission. I mean—how heartless is that? One of my best friends almost bled out and I didn’t shed one tear for him.”

“That’s okay,” James wipes my hair from my eyes, “Sirius probably prefers that you didn’t cry.”

“I used to cry all the time, James.” I huff to show my concern. “Now I feel…I feel…I just feel like I’m broken.”

“Baby, no.” James places pressure on my chin between his finger and thumb, before he shakes my head slightly as if to scold me like a child.

I pout my lower lip before I add miserably, “I am so sad all the time, but I think I’m out of tears.”

James wraps his arms around me immediately. His arms are long and he pulls me up and into his lap easily. We are both dirty, tired, and over our camping trip. I can tell that by the somber look on his usually jolly face.

“You,” he whispers into my ear firmly, “you are not broken.”

“But don’t you think it’s weird I haven’t cried?” I ask him, “don’t you think I should cry for our friends and our family? I mean when the Prewtt’s death was announced at the meeting everyone around me was sobbing and I—“

“It’s because you aren’t sad!” James grabs my cheeks with both his hands, which are still warm from his sleeping bag.

I am taken aback by his proclamation so it takes me a second to reply to his outburst . “Of course I’m sad.”

“No,” his hazel eyes are liquid fire, “you’re past sad, Lily, and now you’re just angry. You are so furious that you don’t want to cry, you want to scream.”

I tilt my head at him, blinking owlishly. I don’t feel mad, at least I don’t think that I do. I just feel exhausted and empty.

I’m 18 years old, I shouldn’t be fighting in a war. I shouldn’t wake up in a tent alongside my boyfriend, nursing bruises and cuts. I should be going out to dinner with him. I should be adopting a cat, spending too much money on ice cream, and spending Saturdays at brunch with my girlfriends.

I am so tired of being a kid, fighting in an war. I’ve spent everyday since I was 15 trying to keep up. I’d been in school practicing duels with my friends, spending late nights studying up on defense charms, and giving up parties for head girl duties.

I stutter to James, “I’m so tired.”

“Me too,” he promises, taking both my hands to kiss my fingertips, “I want nothing more than to be wrapped up in a bed with you that we don’t get out of for a whole day.”

“Yeah?” I look at him through my lashes.

“Of course!” His voice steadily rises, “I mean, can you believe our dates have turned into stake outs in the woods? I just want to take you to dinner. Wine and dine you like a normal boyfriend! Instead, we’re here and I hate it!” James’ voice continues to rise as he monologues to me. “Baby, I can’t even sleep next to you! I have to keep my eyes open whenever yours are closer to make sure you’re safe, because I feel like I’m always just waiting for another attack where I could lose you forever.”

I squeeze his hands tightly, “you have to sleep, James.”

“I do,” he winks, “after I know you’re awake.”

I leaned forward to place my nose inches from his and stared deep into his eyes. As far as childhood sweethearts went, I had certainly picked the best. James would claim until the day he died that he loved me first, but he didn’t. I loved him ever since my twelfth birthday when he’d wished me a happy birthday after everyone else forgot.

“I love you.” I tell him, touching my nose to his and half closing my eyes to initiate a kiss.

James rewards me with a soft touch of his lips to mine. We are both too tired and too dirty to get into the kiss. Still, when he pulls back, the butterflies in my stomach lift into flight. I flutter my eyes open to find him smiling at me with a glimmer in his eyes.

“What?” I ask him, bringing my left hand to caress his face.

“I’m mad,” he tells me, “I’m so frustrated that we aren’t able to be like your muggle sister and her fiancé.”

I snort before I quip, “why do you want to be like them? They’re so boring!”

James rolled his eyes, “I don’t want to be them, I just want the privileges they have. I mean, your sister’s fiancé is allowed to take her anywhere he wants. Weekends to the shore. Nights at the theatre. I’m so angry with the world sometimes, because I feel like it robbed us of that normalcy they get to have.”

I scoot closer to him so that I can lay my head on his shoulder, “we don’t belong in their world.”

James tilts his head so that it falls against mine and he sighs really loudly, “the muggle world is a fairytale compared to ours.”

“I used to think our world was the fairytale.” I look down at my wand, which rests an arms length away for protection. “My sister spent years hating me because I could do magic. She wanted to be me so badly and now I know how she felt. I’d give anything to trade places with her for a day of peace.”

“Peace.” James scoffs, scraping his boot on the ground as if to show how pissed he was at the word. “My parents fought against Grindelwald. We’re fighting Voldemort. What will our kids be forced to fight?”

I turn my head a bit to press my lips to his skin. “Kids?”

James chuckles when he hears the hesitation in my tone. “You told me you want three kids. Two boys and one girl.”

“I don’t think I want to bring any kids into this cruel world.”

“I know,” James sounds like he is growing angrier just at the thought of me having to give up my dream of raising a family. “But it’s still nice to dream of a happy ending.”

I stare out at the moor, listening to the peaceful sounds of nature. The man they’re tracking was likely dead since he hadn’t shown up to his own safe spot yet. I knew that in a few more hours, James and I would have to re-trace his tracks back to The Leaky Cauldron.

At least we’d be able to stay at the inn. I couldn’t imagine spending another night in a tent on the ground. My back could certainly use a nice feather bed. We both could use a decent shower.

Suddenly, beside me, James screams. I lunge for my wand, my heartbeat steady in my chest, I look wildly around only to find James grinning at me with the stupidest expression.

“What the hell?” I hiss at him, “why did you scream like that?”

“It felt nice,” he said, “you should try it next.”

“We’re supposed to be quiet.”

“The guy is clearly not showing, the closest town is an hour away, and it’ll make you feel really good.” James grabbed the end of my wand and pointed it away from his chest as he demanded, “scream!”

“No,” I roll my eyes as I stiff my wand into my bra strap, “it’s stupid.”

James grabs my shoulders and shakes me like a child, “scream!”

He was really annoying when he wanted something. I roll my shoulders to try and get him to let go but he just grips me tighter and shakes me more. I send him an annoyed expression over my shoulder, still pissed that he scared me.

“Scream.”

“No.”

“Scream!!”

“I said no!” But my voice is rising into response to James’ annoying pressure on my shoulders and pointed voice in my ears.

“Scream!” He said, “just try!”

“I said no, James,” I swipe my hand back at him but he dodges me, and instead, he pulls on a strand of my red hair.

“Scream!”

“No, dammit.”

“Scream, scream scream—“

He is poking me, prodding me, and I am reaching my tipping point. I have always had a short temper, and James has long since learned how to ignite the fuse. After one particularly hard jab by James in the side, I swung around and snarled at him.

“Fuck off, Potter!”

He only grins. I catch myself from continuing to scream at him. My voice had rebounded back to me thanks to the desolate moors around us. I realize that I sound so tired and bitter. I also realize that, surprisingly, I did feel better after shouting.

“Scream,” James urges me one more time, “scream for real.”

I slowly stand up. I’m no longer hiding behind tall grass. I throw open my arms and scream so loud that birds in the nearby trees fly off. My throat even tingles when I stop, begging me for water. I just suck in more of the humid air and scream again.

James stands up beside me and together, we scream our bloody heads off until we are both half laughing as we catch our breath. I lose track of how many times we scream, but I do know that it takes us several times before we give up our antics.

I fall back into the grass panting as if I’d run around the moors and all the way to London. James falls back down at my side. We both grin like loons at each other, as if screaming has turned us punch drunk.

James chuckles happily into the skin at my throat. His beard tickles me as he litters kisses along my jaw. Our bodies relax under the blue skyline, as if the screaming had released all our pent up tension.

“We should scream like that more often.” I joke as he brings his mouth up to mine so he can kiss me. “I kinda see why banshee’s are into it.”

James laughed into my lips, his teeth catching at my chin as he drew back with shaking laughter. “I reckon we were louder than any banshee.”

I felt lightheaded, but in a good way. I trace his chin again with my fingertips. I always do that after I kiss him, just to spend some extra time marveling at his face. I suddenly feel a rush of all sorts of emotions for James.

He always knew exactly how to help me. He is my equal and partner in every way. I really don’t know what to tell him, because ‘I love you’ seemed too simple.

As I process these feelings, I feel some tears start slip over my eyes. They were hot, and certainly had to be streaking my face considering how dirty I was. I try to wipe them away with my arm, but James stops me.

“It’s…okay, Evans,” James said, reaching up behind his head to mess up his hair, “We don’t have to.”

“I’m pretty sure Marlene charmed the mistletoe. If we don’t kiss, I’ll end up with slugs up my arse or something,” James laughed a little, “And I’m not interested in that.”

“Ill have Sirius come over and kiss both of us, loophole to the system.” James suggested, looking around the common room, getting ready to signal to his best friend who was watching the scene from afar. 

“I’m not taking my chances with a loophole.” Lily told him, studying the boy in front of her pointedly. James Potter had been asking her out for years. He was always showing off in front of her, trying to sit next to her, and this year in particular had gone out of his way to compliment her quietly. There was even a time he noticed she had gotten a branch tangled in her hair during Care of Magical Creatures and offered to take it out–simple as that with no strings– and Lily didn’t understand how now given a glorious opportunity, James wasn’t initiating a kiss. In fact, he looked embarrassed to be caught under the mistletoe with her at all. And even more, she didn’t know why she was suddenly offended by this thought.

He shuffled on his feet slightly. Nerves? An act? Had he tampered with the mistletoe alongside Marlene?

“Do you not want to kiss me?” Lily asked him, tilting her chin up, “Because I’m in a dress that I know looks very good on me, I did my hair, and I’m pretty sure I did exceptionally well on all my exams. Everyone in this bloody room would love to kiss me right now, and you’re offering to trade in for Sirius?”

“You want to kiss me?” asked James, his eyebrows raising in confusion, “I’m trying to be respectful of your boundaries and last I checked you told me I was an arrogant uh…”

“Twat?”

“That.” James said laughing a little a looking down.

“Well, I’m not one to tamper with the rules of mistletoe, so…it’s alright.” Lily took a step closer to him, “You’ve been asking me out for a date for years…just go ahead.”

“I don’t kiss on first dates,” James said messing up his hair again, now actually looking embarrassed, “And I definitely wouldn’t kiss you on our first date. I…” he smiled a little and met her gaze, “I like to wait for the best things. Sometimes I stretch out Quidditch games that I know we’re going to win…or like surprises? I like…to wait for those.”

“Well, Potter,” she said, despite the faint flush she could feel on her face, at the words James had just spoken. I like to wait for the best things…I would wait to kiss you. “I’m impatient, and I can’t stand under here all night.”

“I would.” 

“And miss out on whatever trouble your friends are causing?”

James shrugged, “I mean this is the longest conversation we’ve had without you telling me to shove off so…I’ll take it. I like talking with you.” he said, “If…we went on a date, that’s what we’d do you know. I could…I would spend hours just talking with you.”

“I’d run out of things to say, I’m sure.”

“I wouldn’t.” Lily shook her head in hopes of concealing the second wave of blush, wishing she wasn’t so fair. “But…I suppose you’re right that we can’t stand here all evening so…” James took a step closer, and grabbed her hand in his. Warm and she could feel the callouses built up on his palm and finger tips from Quidditch.  He slowly raised her hand, bringing it to his lips, kissing her knuckles softly, their eyes meeting and Lily’s breath caught in her throat at the intensity of his gaze. The quiet intimacy. 

He released her hand, the signature James Potter grin creeping onto his face, “Alright, Evans?”

Lily cleared her throat, certain her entire face was pink, “Alright.”

James nodded shortly, stepping out of the threshold. In the background she could hear Marlene booing at the less than passionate kiss James had seemingly given Lily, but it felt the exact opposite. Every vein in Lily’s body was on fire.  “Oh, one more thing?”

“What’s that?”

“You’re…beautiful.“ He gave her another smile before walking away and back to where his group of friends were sitting, not far from Lily’s own. Lily’s eyes lingered for a few moments, scanning toned shoulders through a dark red sweater, his friends making just as much noise as hers were. Lily made her way to Marlene, sitting on the couch next to her, the blonde grinning widely and bringing a hand up to Lilys forehead.

“Feeling okay, Lils? You look a bit…hot.”

hiiii I haven't read jily in a really long time, and I am super out of the loop (aka I have not been involved in the fandom in a little over a year) but have so many jily recs from my prime jily times omg okay

NOTE: watch for smut, I have no problems with it, so some of these have it, so please read and respect tags! authors use them for a reason! 

what I would consider classic of those still available plus a few that are newer but have a similar spirit, starting with The Jily Starter Fics - TLAT and Comm: (NOTE: many of these are only on fanfiction.net, a further indication of how long I've been around this fandom (over ten years...) omg)

The Rise and Fall of the Stag and the Doe

Before the Fawn

Love and Other Tragedies 

Boyfriend

All Right, Evans?

Buried Treasure and Transmogrify

Queen of the Crunk (now called Lily Evans, Chaser)

Haggis from Algernon (ao3)

Sunshine in my Eyes 

And the Wolves All Cry 

Auror Training

AUs: 

Perpetuus

Bloody Shangri-La (ao3) 

Provisionally Yours

The Art of Misdirection

Her Oddest Customer

also pretty much anything by petals, but I specifically like Reputation (and really her entire taylor/jily series) because I love the idea of Slytherin!Lily

plus @jilyarchive has anything you could possibly want on their tag page if you're looking for something specific

The Blooms at Ruyi Pavilion Ep 21

Since 2014 I read romanogers fiction. Today is my turn to show my appreciation to romanogers writer. You guys are awesome with limitless creativity. Here is the list not in particular order.

1. 365 days with Steve and Natasha by @elcapitan-rogers

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10078664/1/365-days-with-Steve-and-Natasha

This is officially my first romanogers fiction. The reason why I`m so addicted to romanogers fiction. 

2. How to seduce a fossil by Mali`s bear buddy

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10857817/1/How-to-Seduce-a-Fossil

The most stand up chapter is when the heat moment between them in night club. 

3. Moments with soldier and the spy by I-am-the-fandoms

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11261291/1/Moments-with-the-Soldier-and-the-Spy

It was fluff, fun and hot. 

4. Close by @spanglecap

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2332556/chapters/5139791

Spanglecap writing sexual tension with a glory. 

5. Blast from the past by @roaminginspiration

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4865342/chapters/11151302

The best time traveler fiction. And inspire many people included me. 

6. Cloud cover by thegraytigress

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3070580/chapters/6663137

Best of the series. From relationship problems to back together and finally a wedding. Everything you need in romanogers fiction.

7. Terminal Frost by thegraytigress

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2099448/chapters/4575705

The most heartbreaking fiction and the most unexpected. When Steve and Natasha almost break up I thought I`m going to die temporarily.

8. The only light in the darkness by@elcapitan-rogers 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2382407/chapters/5263436

It was original and the best soulmate fiction. @elcapitan-rogers writing style not using over the top metaphors make me easy to understand & easy to follow since I`m not an English speaker.

9.  The theory of wish fulfillment by @heyfrenchfreudiana 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3318458/chapters/7251386

@heyfrenchfreudiana she never failed to make us feels like we was there with the character. It was unplanned pregnancy but @heyfrenchfreudiana make them it okay as long they love each other. 

10. Out of time by jrrm64

This one old. Very old. But it was unforgettable. It was publish before the avengers movie. This fiction predicted what would happen with Steve and Nat in MCU future. And guess what he or she was right. 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8581862/1/Out-of-Time

Plus honorable mention

1. You’re the Only One Who Ever Drove Me Crazy by @ xo_stardust720

2. Chris Crush by @ym4yum1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9805595/1/Chris-Crush-Love-scenes

3.  Choices by Jodygoroar

4.  Work Ethics by  mckayla (steveromanov)

5.  The Prince and the Rose by @captainarwenpond221b

6.  struck by lightning (and now our love’s been set ablaze) by @chalantness

7.  Hide Your Lies by spazzgirl

8.  Dust to Dust (We’ve Been Lonely Too Long) by myloveiamthespeedofsound

* body language masterlist

* a translator that doesn’t eat ass like google translate does

* a reverse dictionary for when ur brain freezes

* 550 words to say instead of fuckin said

* 638 character traits for when ur brain freezes again

* some more body language help

Since 2014 I read romanogers fiction. Today is my turn to show my appreciation to romanogers writer. You guys are awesome with limitless creativity. Here is the list not in particular order.

1. 365 days with Steve and Natasha by @elcapitan-rogers

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10078664/1/365-days-with-Steve-and-Natasha

This is officially my first romanogers fiction. The reason why I`m so addicted to romanogers fiction. 

2. How to seduce a fossil by Mali`s bear buddy

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10857817/1/How-to-Seduce-a-Fossil

The most stand up chapter is when the heat moment between them in night club. 

3. Moments with soldier and the spy by I-am-the-fandoms

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11261291/1/Moments-with-the-Soldier-and-the-Spy

It was fluff, fun and hot. 

4. Close by @spanglecap

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2332556/chapters/5139791

Spanglecap writing sexual tension with a glory. 

5. Blast from the past by @roaminginspiration

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4865342/chapters/11151302

The best time traveler fiction. And inspire many people included me. 

6. Cloud cover by thegraytigress

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3070580/chapters/6663137

Best of the series. From relationship problems to back together and finally a wedding. Everything you need in romanogers fiction.

7. Terminal Frost by thegraytigress

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2099448/chapters/4575705

The most heartbreaking fiction and the most unexpected. When Steve and Natasha almost break up I thought I`m going to die temporarily.

8. The only light in the darkness by@elcapitan-rogers 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2382407/chapters/5263436

It was original and the best soulmate fiction. @elcapitan-rogers writing style not using over the top metaphors make me easy to understand & easy to follow since I`m not an English speaker.

9.  The theory of wish fulfillment by @heyfrenchfreudiana 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3318458/chapters/7251386

@heyfrenchfreudiana she never failed to make us feels like we was there with the character. It was unplanned pregnancy but @heyfrenchfreudiana make them it okay as long they love each other. 

10. Out of time by jrrm64

This one old. Very old. But it was unforgettable. It was publish before the avengers movie. This fiction predicted what would happen with Steve and Nat in MCU future. And guess what he or she was right. 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8581862/1/Out-of-Time

Plus honorable mention

1. You’re the Only One Who Ever Drove Me Crazy by @ xo_stardust720

2. Chris Crush by @ym4yum1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9805595/1/Chris-Crush-Love-scenes

3.  Choices by Jodygoroar

4.  Work Ethics by  mckayla (steveromanov)

5.  The Prince and the Rose by @captainarwenpond221b

6.  struck by lightning (and now our love’s been set ablaze) by @chalantness

7.  Hide Your Lies by spazzgirl

8.  Dust to Dust (We’ve Been Lonely Too Long) by myloveiamthespeedofsound

make me choose: the winner’s trilogy or the shatter me series for @juneqparis

favourite literary quotes | Valentines edition

Avengers Endgame.

It does make a lot of sense in a lot of reasons:

It would explain how old Steve Rogers is in the same “MCU” timeline and how Peggy married another guy.

Cap didn’t tell Sam who he was married with.

Cap is in love with Natasha, just watch Endgame and you definitely won’t think otherwise.

If you don’t believe that Natasha would stay back in time for Cap, think again because she is the same girl that became a fugitive for Cap.

Marvel themselves stated that it was someone who Cap had “rescued” was married to Peggy

If it is indeed a loophole where Steve and Peggy got married, then why did Peggy say “it’s been a long time” to 2014 Steve when old Steve must still be with her?

Now if it is alternate timeline, then does that give Steve the right to have a relationship with every woman he wants? WTH!

Steve would never be selfish enough to take away Peggy’s life.

Peggy told Cap to move on.

Steve already found home in the new world.

Just to end it, Steve never actually said that he wanted a life with Peggy, they only owed each other a date and a dance and hey, the movie didn’t show the marriage of Steve. 😉

Reasons why Nat might be alive and will come back:

No funeral.

Wanda: “She knows.”

Thor: “As long as we have the stones Cap, we are bringing her back .”

Gamora died the same way but she came back, sure it was a 2014 Gamora but it’s still the same soul.

Natasha’s soul is “trapped” in the soul stone.

Even if it’s not love (it’s love by the way), Steve owes Natasha his life. She has been with him since day one and even more so than Peggy, whether it’s a bad situation or a good one.

Anyways, a Black Widow solo movie is in discussion. It’s probably a prequel but we will get to know more when it does come out.

The Russos said that Avengers Endgame is a personal arc for them since The Winter Soldier. The main thing that correlated to it was the elevator scene but aside that, I can already see that it’s the relationship between Cap and Widow. What if this really happened? In TWS, Steve said “right….we are getting married” what if it had more meaning than expected?

Also the fact that Natasha said “See you in a minute” to Rogers gives me hope.

Aww 😊 We love you guys 3000!!!

Cap got married to Nat!