like this is really the thesis of the hudson-pov of hudcon to me. that connor wasn't exactly a bisexual awakening for hudson but more a freight train of full desire slamming into him, the perfect confluence of everything he might never have known he wanted (big strong man, like the crushes on the captain of the basketball team when he was a teen, but also film nerd, like the crush he had on the film society president in school, but also freak weirdo, like his freak weirdo friends, but also gorgeous and funny and charming and confident, which, well, who would say no to any of those things?). the fact that hudson plays the confident outlandish sex joker persona but deep down is quite insecure, has been in a relationship with the same person most of his adult life and is crippled by anxiety and self-doubt and overthinking...and then there's connor. confident connor! don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think-i'm-being-me connor. the slight hero worship of it, the imposter-syndrome of being queer but without much queer experience to actually speak of, and having to play that believably on screen. in awe of connor hustling for so many years, the modelling, his body, the fact he left home so young and made a life in LA and has seen all sides of the industry. part wanting to hide behind him, part wanting to be better than him, be bigger than him, wanting to kiss him, wanting to pin him down, wanting to be pinned down. not knowing, is this a normal way to feel? or am I starstruck? luststruck? living in the character, filtering my thoughts all wrong? is this a love that will define my whole life or just another intense crush that will fade away with time and distance? don't want to make it weird, don't want to make it awkward, it's good enough just being friends who kiss sometimes. don't want to start a relationship in the public eye, maybe we should just wait, let's see, it'll probably go away, i'll probably stop dreaming about him, the ache in the pit of my stomach won't get bigger and bigger until all I can think about is him, him, him. probably.
yousharknotpass
tangentwithtanner
ellievsbear
2087
kaledo-art
dailybridgerton
areudirty
dededos
janainaart
stormborns
