I face the blue brick wall and imagine its the sky

So much fucking better

This morning reciting ho’oponopono i pray and i cry and i repeat im sorry please forgive me i love you im grateful i am still working on the biggest project of my life thus far connected to a total of 40 bodies and their work lives with me in my room my boat which carries the whole emotional load of 40 bodies real and heavy i get up and tidy smoke it out with bundled greens from my mother i send her a text to remind her of the moon and she sends love you baby through her phone yesterday the wood guy tells me about his love of his life who is too busy to say it back and i suggest he let time pass and i boss him around so his focus is elsewhere take the corners off this piece and we are handling and cutting up masterpieces and he hesitates and i push him forward towards the cut then i spend the rest of the night boring object shaped holes into wood then foam the whole project is me holding this whole year i am holding and today i am letting go this morning i am a cutting and apologizing and i weep into one of the bandanas an artist wrapped their painting with grocery store rubberbands the ones my tutu would save from the produce bundles because it was the closest thing to me i am happy to be loved to be said yes to to be believed in right now i opened one of their letters and i began to cry again because we are all sort of feeling the same way this same grief and carrying it all in some way you are my family im going to continue to work now and tonight i will feel sleepy but glad to have done something to have done anything at all

Standing in a corner was awesome for me

Bunny, i had a good night that brought me back into myself and

The shea butter melting into the leather

i woke up crying then went about the automatics—making bed and coffee getting dressed—then holding the coffee looking down i saw a roly poly a yellow backed pillbug and i was desperate so i picked it up and allowed it to work its angel magic….and then i laughed

Reading the woman destroyed and started to feel sick then went to look on goodreads and read review asking “can good books be bad for you?”