' i ... got sick, once. ' it's the best way he can think to describe it without telling too much, anyways; he doesn't know how much something like magic and science could coexist, at least for as long as one was rooted in the impossible and the other, no matter how bewildering or miraculous, miraculous enough to even give nothing but a human brain and soul a bionic body, remained firmly within the realm of rational logic; mathematics and engineering and discovered, earthly laws.
here's what he wonders: could you quantify a human heart, to the exact nonsensical measure? or could you create it, and birth something out of nothing? was it stored in the mind, or someplace else, the soul, the heart's very conscience? it demonstrated its presence by its absence at times, and this is what daisuke thinks as he closes and opens his palm, watching the veins at his wrist tug and pull, cinch and release the rest of his digits, digits that sometimes weren't even his to control.
' ... i didn't even really realize it, but my feelings were starting to get messed up. first i didn't feel anything for the people that i liked the most, and then i started to stop feeling anything at all . ' like a thick block of ice slowly spreading further and further out, glacial, beyond him, some primal part of him perpetually screaming and panicked and begging him to break out and flee, while the rest merely turned hollow, pliable, weak and numb. ' it was horrible. i don't want to go through anything like it again. but at the same time, when i think about it, i was only okay thanks to everybody else being there for me. '
for breaking every spell and deciding to take care of him. to make sure that he didn't lose himself; they had done everything they could. ' i still don't know if i deserve it, and i still feel really bad for troubling them so much, but i know that i'll always remember it. ' the soft, nostalgic smile on the boy's expression remains proof. ' i also want to be someone that others can trust with their hearts. i don't really know if it's possible, but i at least want to try, and when i do, i'll try my best. '
" That's not ... something a doctor can cure, is it ?Β " It's an unfortunate truth, but a familiar and natural thing. Even if hopeful physicians believed there is a cure for every sickness, it must be devastating to dedicate your life to save others only to find out that there are things someone like you can't change nor fight. Β He's lived with his doctor for years, throughout which he's witnessed the weight of life on the old man's slumped and frail shoulders, Β he wishes he could take away every burden Β and have it crush his own instead.Β
Is he any different ? Β Metal for hands and silicon for skin and a vibrant core in the place of a beating heart. Of course he is. Β But it's that non-existent heart that weeps in devastation and trembles with pain. Longing for a moment of triumph for the humanity it loved and cherished deeply. For the weak and limit-bound to break free. For his own humanoid rage Β that never dies out. No matter how many times he breaks apart or how many parts get replaced in his quest for it for strength. This anger will always help that non-existent heart remain pitifully human.Β
Or at least that's what Genos believed.Β
" Every time I think I got closer to my goa, I start feeling too fast. " Β The hands on his lap open and close, mirroring the action of the younger boy before him. The robotic noise they exhale is far too familiar to his ears, it's almost weird when others move without making a sound. His eyes are downcast, staring intently, as if looking out for the second Β these hands would turn against him. Β Β " It feels like I'm falling behind, like my body would go out of control ... " Β And I would go on a rampage.Β
His chest feels vacant, Β yet a bright core spins faster inside, Β it's unnerving to think too much, but it can't be helped. What is trust when his own body doesn't feel like it belongs to him ? Β When he can't even trust his own being ?Β A body that has deemed him weak, a burden and a possible danger. Β Β
Feeling too fast and not feeling anything at all.Β Has it always been this risky to live with these emotions ? Β He thinks of himself back from four years ago, when he was a mere kid blissfully unaware ... too engulfed in the simplicity of life to ponder on his own depths.Β
Too cared for and loved to worry about it.Β
" You are very fortunate to have people who care for you this much. " Β Back straightening, intense gaze landing on Daisuke, he speaks all of a sudden, so intense it might sound Β a little intimidating Β despite the lack of such intentions from the cyborg's end. He simply wants to be perfectly clear and get his feelings across in earnest. " And your desire for improvement is truly admirable. " Β Being a burden, relying on others to help and get you out of tight spots, feeling powerless and helpless afterwards. Asking yourself ; Β what am I doing wrong ? What am I lacking ? Is this really all that I could be ?Β
He can't let himself surrender to such weaknesses. And it's in moments like these that he feels fortunate, knowing he got the chance to meet such an inspiring personality, a person who wields the power of humanity in a way Genos could never imagine himself doing, not anymore.Β
" I want to change, too. I want to become stronger for the sake of the people who took care of me. " Β His family, his doctor, his teacher.Β This salvaged life isn't his, it's theirs.Β This non-existent heart is theirs.Β The flame that burns within him and aids him in every battle is theirs. Β " My teacher helped me learn that the most important thing is to keep moving forward, it can be frustrating, but listening to you helps me believe that there is hope for us to get where we want to be one day. So please, whatever you face, don't stop trying, and I won't either. "Β
