Lexei

The level of effort required for me to feel comfortable in my presentation to go outside is significant. The level of energy I have each morning is basically nothing. I dont buy groceries. I dont clean my house. My space gets more and more uncomfortable. My body gets weaker. It gets harder and harder for me to function.

When I express my desire to bottom, I don't want to be met immediately, every time, with direct or indirect requests that I commit to providing some similar sexual service in return. Is there no one who genuinely just wants to top a trans woman? Who isn't doing it as a begrudging favor with the expectation of reciprocity?

Its not like I never want to give my partners sexual attention or make them feel special and desired. Its just that the moment I attempt to present myself as an eager, delicate, fertile sexual being, my partner insists the moment be about them too. Are you not excited as a lesbian to have a woman wish to show you her body? To want you to touch it? Can you really not exist sexually outside of being the singular object of desire and attention?

Not anything deserving of a title. Not anything which would grant me respect or love. Just a spank here, a lewd remark there.

I think theres almost nothing worse for my self esteem. Teaching myself that the most I can hope for is to be casually molested but never worthy of real affection.

Maybe its hard for me not to feel hurt and bitter about love when I've only ever been raped, molested, or had care extracted non-reciprocally from my body.

Ants are marching in their thousands, I dropped a chip. Its been raining.

Its fine, I can share my home.

I get up and shudder at every place I see where __ stood.

Terrified __ will be there again.

Another violation of my body I allowed

I feel weak, cold. Shame, disgust.

I think i went back to bed until my appointment.

Im paranoid ill see ___ everywhere I go.

The laser tech is nice to me.

Nicer than the usual one.

Does that mean something?

I get home and my driveway is blocked. He walks over.

Yeah I can wait.

Of course I can wait. Wouldn’t want to cause any trouble.

I chainsmoke. Im shaking on and off all day.

I read as it gets late. The book is kind of shit.

But this woman is suffering a dull nightmare in the background of every day she lives.

It feels familiar.

Oh thats probably too many ants.

Ill have to take the bag to the trash.

I already locked up. Because I’m scared __ will come to my house.

__ knows where I live.

Whats left of me.

When I say yes yes yes.

The ants can have

I see the comfort my body brings to others. My labour.

I make myself numb so they can take as much as they need. Sucking on my tits like a baby. Leaving me hollowed out.

Leaving an insidious numbing pain. I want to smash my skull against a wall.

I want safety. I want to be held all night and never touched with lust.

This is literally how they see us. They want us to be their sex monsters. Can they not imagine that perhaps a woman wants to be made to feel delicate and vulnerable in the bedroom.

Also I very clearly indicate in my dating profiles that I'm a sub and a bottom. And then when I perhaps curtly refuse to r*pe and sodomize someone I'm told to fix my attitude. Ok.

Its also the constant denial of desire. So many people touch me, grope me, catcall me, hit on me inappropriately, always with the veil of a 'joke' so they can avoid any consequences. But they never want to say to my face, I want you, you excite me, your body is beautiful, I desire you. That would be too much.

You'll grab my tits without asking but then when I want you to tell me you want me, you're not sure. You'll sexualize me constantly, but then when I want your attention, you're not into me like that.

You're humiliated to admit you desire me. So you r*pe me with your words and your touch instead. Because that means something different. Not desire, but despisal.