be you

I scream in my white dress

“I want to be with you!”

But maybe you should confess

That you don’t want it too

A part of me dies when you lie

You say, “I’ve been waiting all this time!”

But you disguise your eyes

With a million signs

You don’t know how to leave

I watch you drown for a year

So it’s you I grieve

While you’re still here

So why don’t you just let me go?

And let me be?

Don’t sit there and say, “no!”

After you left me in shambles that night

I stayed up bawling

And waited till the morning light

But you never once replied

And told me why

You could’ve at least tried

But you wanted to be the bad guy

You never said sorry for not calling

I wish I had some guidance

I should’ve taken the warning

When all I heard was your silence

I felt so hurt by you

When you abandoned me

I didn’t know what to do

And now I wish you’d see

Your heart is made of black

I took your number off my phone

So I wouldn’t call you back

I am not pleased

I stand here and I weigh

Myself until I am squeezed

And bruised to look like her

Until I feel used

Caught in a blur

I feel so abused

I want a body so thin

That everyone thinks I’m sick

Has it become a sin?

To prick and flick every thick

Part of my bulging body

If I had my honest pick

I’d wear clothes so gaudy

And I’d put all my bones

On the highest display

I’d let them toss stones

If only I could be skinny for a day

I’d let them slice my skin

And tear at my clothes

Shall I let the jealously begin?

Of how much my rib cage could show?

It would be an attraction so great

That everyone would stop and stare

At such a tiny and small weight

So why does it feel like you don’t care?

I sit here and I cry

Thinking of all the moments we shared

I wait for days for your call

Or for you to say I miss you

But those days never happen at all

And silence is all I ever knew

All I want is to stop feeling this pain

Of losing my very best friend

My tears flow like a heavy rain

And I know this is the end

I feel so broken inside

Without you in my life

We hit a divide

When you became a wife

You left me chained against the wall

Saddened and alone

I waited for years for your call

But you never picked up your phone

I wanted you to be there

I wanted you to try

Friendship is something we don’t share

with a man who didn’t want me.

I spoke to the wall every night.

I’d practice my lines

And pray he’d be mine.

I stayed up till the morning light.

Wishing for him to set me free

But he didn’t want me.

I felt him linger on my cold skin.

His touch dripped

Onto my lips.

I wanted to be his only sin.

But he didn’t want me.

In the doorway

our eyes locked

and for a moment

i was captivated

by his kind stare.

I grinned in a rush

as the wind pushed

our bodies closer.

we spoke silence

loudly in that moment

it felt like a thousand

greetings at once.

the shrill noise of nothing

piercing my eyes.

i hummed his name

as he vanished into the air

with a scent of soft cologne.

I Inhaled and let him linger

on my skin.

i held onto the breath of him for

months on end.

his blonde hair slicked back

and nerdy glasses that I found

attractive.

i didn’t know who he was or why

his eyes met mine and for the moment

everything seemed to freeze.

the warm air turned to a icy snow

and goosebumps slivered down

my aching spine.

i was pleased to have met him in

all the seasons and oh what it

made me feel!

such an attraction with the warm breeze

On a hill

Stands next

To the willow.

It was here I imagined

A grand entrance while

Your hand led me

Down the aisle.

In a fog of phrases

A choir of angles

Sung my praises

And you were by my side.

They threw flowers

On our faces

And I let traces of

The scent sink in my skin.

My head was floating

The clouds

It gleamed for all to see

And you were proud of me.

I always waited for the day

When the fantasy came true

And you gave me away

With the words “I love you.”

I wish my dreams came to life

Because I only walk down the aisle

With a heavy stream of tears

Piercing my eyes with a knife.

The willow is withered and weeps

Of your silence violently spoken.

The white church is broken

From the promises you could not keep.

If only you were to ever bother

To express your love aloud

Then maybe I could be proud

But you

held my hand

And became familiar

All in a sudden blur

a vibration

Shot through my soul

And I felt

You

It was a celebration

Of the dark hole

Patched and switched

It was a cremation

Of the emptiness.

Or maybe it was a

Ceremony of your fingers

Tracing and touching my

Very skin.

It sent shivers down my spine

And took away the cold and

Damp feeling within.

You

Were a sign frozen in time

When your eyes met mine.

Or maybe

It was the melody in my head.

You felt like a song

I sung with a sweet ring.

It echoed through the walls

And its cords tugged on

My heart strings.

It was a soothing sound.

Soft and slow

Yet elegant with a glow.

You

Rushed into the noise

All at once and brought

The silence with your voice.

Somehow, in the crowd

I can not find

You.

The feeling of harmony

And poise

Became a longing.

Its cold hands

Hold the broken

Pieces of my body.

My knees are bruised

And my fingers feel used

But I refuse to heal

Because I would be celebrating

The funeral of your touch.

The funeral of us.

I can not lie

And allow the last of you to die.

You

may be a stranger

And we grew apart

I left you with the

Shattered pieces

They lay out

Scattered next to

The song you sing

At night when

You

Think of the familiar feeling

Shooting through your

If I can let go

Of you

Because then

I let go of all

The memories

We have

The memories

We made

I do not know

If I can let go

Of you

Because when

You left

You gave me

A part

Amidst the flames

My tears rise

Smoke fills our eyes

I look away

“It won’t hurt for too long.”

You say.

I speak my shame

Amidst the flames

Smoke burns my eyes

It is no surpise

I can not look away

“It has hurt for too long.”

In my mouth.

They wait to be

Set free

But I am too proud

To let these loud

Words see your face

Three words wrapped

With my pride

They sit inside

I should give in

To the pain

Flowing like a heavy rain

But I am too proud

To see the alluring lark

It sung a familiar tune and

It rippled into my ears

Its Devine sound shown

Through the dark

Its familiar song strung its notes

And filled my head with a memory.

It was your hands

I felt as they grasped mine

We danced in the dark

And sung a tune with our tongues.

Our fingers intertwined

They electrified my soul

You wrapped your eyes in mine

And let a spark ignite within me

The rays within your eyes

Shown through the dark

I let my heartbeat rise

Till my smile melted into yours.

The lark silenced its grace

And the memory faded

A tear fell from my face

As the lark spread its wings.

It disappeared into the night

Just as you did at nine

when I made the choice