A GTS Short
This script is the first in a series of shorts intended to flesh out some more of the world of Gather The Suspects. One day, we hope you'll get to actually hear them! But in the meantime, we hope you enjoy!
SCENE 1 - INT - JACK and KARA’s Flat
Computer games are playing in the background and we hear JACK shout the occasional thing at his game. “Ooh, shoot him, quick!” “Aaah you lousy thing…” “Hey, that was my health pack! Give it back” end abruptly with a click.
JACK: (shouting) Kara! The bloody electric’s gone again!
KARA: (entering) Oh, for goodness sake. I thought we were done with all of this…
JACK: I’m sooo bored!!!
KARA: Jack, it’s been off for like five seconds, seriously?
JACK: (shrugs) Genius like this takes a lot of mental stimulation!
There is a knock on the door and the door opens
GERAINT: (calling in from the hall) Just me… you guys lost power too?
JACK: (sarcastically) Nooo, we often just sit here in the dark and try to connect with our primordial selves... You know, really get in touch with that inner caveman.
KARA: Ignore Jack, he’s in a bad mood because he can’t spend an eleventh hour straight playing video games.
JACK: (Grunts) I’m going to find my Gameboy (rummaging around in the draws)
GERAINT: The whole city’s out I think, look, no lights across the Bay at all.
JACK: Gaah! No batteries, stupid bloo-
KARA: Jack! I’m sure you can spend one night without gaming-
JACK (interrupting) Bored!
KARA: Oh, for god sake, you’re such a child-
JACK (interrupting) Bored!
GERAINT: Aaaaanyway, I thought that you might be, so I dug out the old wind-up radio.
JACK: Oh, good! The radio. We may as well go live in the middle ages.
KARA: Oh, stop being so ridiculous, Jack. You like listening to the radio!
JACK: Yeah, when I choose to. Now it’s forced on me it feels just like work…
KARA: (pointedly) oh, I’m surprised you know how that feels…
GERAINT: Aah, come on, it’ll be nice. You know, like the good old, bad old days. At least this time we won’t have bombs going off every five minutes. I’ll turn on WBC, I think that phone-in show with the really horrible callers is on…
You like shouting at that one… I’ll turn it on...
[Radio crank winds up and Jingle fades in. A voiceover announces “WBC radio - Wales’ premier music and talk radio.”]
JEREMY: Welcome back to This Evening with Jeremy on WBC radio - 64.5 FM and online. Today we’ve been discussing climate change and the upgrades to the Cardiff Bay barrage.
With low lying parts of the coast already feeling the effects of rising sea levels, what more can we do to keep everyone safe? Give us a call and have your say...Giles Hampson from Cardiff is on the line. Giles, Good Evening.
MR HAMPSON: Good Evening, Jeremy.
JEREMY: What do you think about the proposed upgrades to the barrage Giles, do you think the plans go far enough?
MR HAMPSON: Well, Jeremy, it’s all nonsense really, isn’t it?
JEREMY: Oh, so you agree with our earlier caller, John? You think it would be better to add to the sea defences around Tremorfa, rather than spend more money on the bay right now?
MR HAMPSON: (bluntly) No, I mean that man was clearly an idiot. A typical mentality for those tree-hugging do-gooders that got us into this mess in the first place. I meant the whole (emphasising with disgust) ‘Global Warming’ thing. I mean, it’s nonsense, isn’t it? Nothing but a fairy tale for simple minds.
JEREMY: (sighs) OK, Giles. There’s a lot to unpack there. Let me make sure I’m understanding you correctly… You don’t believe in climate change but you also believe that people like John, who do, are somehow responsible for the thing you don’t believe exists?
MR HAMPSON: Uh, no, no. You are twisting my words…that’s just like the ‘mainstream media’.
JEREMY: Uh, ok… I mean, I’m recording this in my bedroom thanks to budget cutbacks - we’re not exactly the old BBC... But go on…
MR HAMPSON: I mean, all we’ve heard for the past 20 years is Global warming this, the environment that. It’s just a way to scare us into being controlled. I mean there is nothing we can do about it now, is there?
JEREMY: We just heard from the Environment minister today, on this very programme, talking about yet another coastal town that’s been abandoned thanks to rising water levels… I mean I’m still slightly confused. What do John’s - and I quote - “tree-hugging do-gooder” views have to do with all this?
MR HAMPSON: Aah, well they are the engine of control, you see. They make us feel guilty and try to force us into doing things at tremendous cost to the economy. All to perpetuate this...this myth.
JEREMY: So you do think it’s a myth? Even you said a few moments ago it was real.
MR HAMPSON: The myth is that this ‘climate change’ can be affected by us mere humans.
JEREMY: So now you’re saying it is real?
MR HAMPSON: No, no, no. You’re putting words in my mouth…
JEREMY: You just said, “there is nothing we can do about it now.”
MR HAMPSON: What I’m saying, sonny, is that even if it IS real, which I highly doubt that it is -
JEREMY: Why do you doubt that it is?
MR HAMPSON: (not put off by the interruption) WHICH, I highly doubt it is. BUT, if it is then it’s likely part of some natural earthly cycle, baked in on the seventh day... so, who are we to try and stop it? All these arrogant lefties do is cause unnecessary panic. We are British after all, and we -
JEREMY: Actually, I hate to break it to you Giles, but Britain doesn’t exist anymore.
MR HAMPSON: (sardonically) We are inhabitants of the British Isles and will deal with it in the way we always have. A quiet stoic dignity. Just like the old Blitz spirit…
JEREMY: Or the civil war in 2023...
MR HAMPSON: I’m not sure I like your tone, Jeremy.
JEREMY: I’m sorry Mr Hampson. It’s just you have said a lot of things already... most of which are contradictory. You don’t seem to have made your own mind up. Is it fake or is something above our control or something we can control but left it too late to act on? So, which is it, Giles?
MR HAMPSON: Well, really does it matter? Either way, me downgrading my Jaguar to some crappy little Japanese hybrid isn’t going to save anything is it? It’s costing the economy millions. In my day we didn’t have any of this PC nonsense about -
JEREMY: But, I mean some may argue that it might be a little late now that entire towns are disappearing beneath the Irish Sea, but what about before, Giles - when it was in our power to change it, did you do anything?
MR HAMPSON: What do you mean, did I DO anything? What did those little tree-hugging do-gooders do about it? They are the ones so concerned about it after all. What did THEY do, eh?
JEREMY: (sighs) but, Giles -
MR HAMPSON: And anyway, how could I possibly have done something? Surely if it is real - and I’m not saying it is - then it’s down to the government to do something about it.
JEREMY: Aah, so now we may be getting somewhere… so, when there might have been a chance to change things, did you vote for a party that would have tackled it?
MR HAMPSON: Well, of course not, why would I? I may as well vote for the Toothfairy party! Look you and your lot -
JEREMY: My lot?
MR HAMSON? Yes the liberal media elite
JEREMY: Again, recording from my bedroom which also doubles as my kitchen and lounge…
MR HAMPSON: You know I’m right, Jeremy. I’m speaking for the majority here. We’re sick of people in positions of power telling us, the real people, what to do and how to act. Me driving my Jaguar around the place isn’t going to solve global warming.
JEREMY: I don’t think you repeatedly bringing up your Jaguar gives you the 'man of the people' vibe that you think it does…
MR HAMPSON: See, looking down at the little people again, while encouraging propaganda for such rubbish.
JEREMY: What rubbish?
MR HAMPSON: Climate change, of course. The mainstream media are constantly talking about it -
JEREMY: Because towns are literally disappearing, half of the Southern Hemisphere is on fire. We are a current affairs programme, we talk about the topics that are having a real-world impact on our listeners -
MR HAMPSON: Well I’ve not seen it. Are we just supposed to take your word for it - these things could be down to a number of natural things. Why aren’t you talking about the real scandal of our times - how people like us, the rea-
JEREMY: Sorry to interrupt you, Giles. We’ve had another caller who’d like to get in on the debate. Jack from Cardiff, I understand you have a different view to Giles?
JACK: Hi Jeremy. Yes, that’s right. Loving the show, by the way…
MY HAMPSON: (muttering) Oh, not this cretin... Jeremy, I must protest, he’s completely ill-equipped to be discussing-
JEREMY: (ignoring this) Oh, well thank you, Jack. And what was the point you wanted to make about this discussion?
JACK: Well, I just thought that it was important to interject a bit of science into the debate.
JEREMY: Oh, you are a scientist, Jack?
MR HAMPSON: No, of course he’s not a scientist, Jeremy. The boy is an idiot.
JACK: Well, I have spent many years working on this theory. Testing and revising my hypothesis but I always come to the same conclusion.
JEREMY: Exciting, well let us know what you’ve found?
JACK: Well, after much observation, I have concluded that Giles Hampson is a massive fu-
JEREMY: Oh.. uum… thank goodness for the cough button, eh? On that note, I think we’ll leave that discussion for today. While I go outside and have a large whisky, here’s the news… When we come back, we’ll be talking about… um.. I dunno, something fun.
[Jingle again and the news begins it slowly fades into the background as focus shifts back to our trio in the flat]
NEWS REPORTER: Tensions in France continue tonight as the civil war continues. With food in short supply and much of Northern France under control of Front National, the embattled liberal government has demanded an immediate halt to all separatist action on French soil.
Meanwhile, closer to home, the English government have denied all reports of the mass starvation event that took place in Kent last month. A spokesman for the government told the EBC last night that the story has been a clear plant, to undermine the superb work by the UKFree party to unite the country. The denials come hot on the heels of similar denials last month when allied drones spotted large funeral pyres being built on the banks of the Medway.
We go over to our English correspondent, Harriet Graves, for more:
NEWS REPORTER 2: Thanks, Seren. Yes, the UKFree party aren’t taking these latest revelations very well. Two inside sources told me yesterday that senior government ministers had been shot because of the leaks.
We have reached out to the English government for comment, but do not expect a reply. Back to you in the studio.
NEWS REPORTER: Thank you, Harriet. Finally, researchers at Cardiff University have reported finding a way to increase fertility in mice. Should they be successful, then human trials are expected to start by the winter. This is one step towards the Welsh government objective of redressing our ageing population and productivity issue. In the Senedd last week, the opposition described the plan as “crap of the highest order, even if we did manage to increase the working-age population, where exactly does the first minister propose they work?"
And that’s your news round-up for this evening, join us again tomorrow at 6am. Nos Da.
JACK: hah, you were right! Listening to the radio can be fun!
GERAINT: I feel like I should have put more emphasis on the ‘listening’ part.
KARA: We’ll be paying for that one at the next residents meeting…
JACK: Meh, it was worth it.
[power clicks back on and things start humming again]
GERAINT: Ooh, the power’s back on… do you want to keep… oh, he’s already back on the Playstation…
KARA: Come on, let’s go grab a coffee...
Sound of shooting and clicking as Jack plays his games mixes with the grim news reports. Jack shouts, "hah, take that. Try steal my kill will you! That'll teach you to mess with StabathaChristie69"
~CREDITS~
POST CREDIT SEQUENCE
JEREMY: Welcome back to this evening with Jeremy. Well after that eventful few moments, let’s see what else is on your mind, Wales.
Next up we have Jillian from Cardiff. Jillian. What’s on your mind this evening?
MRS HAMPSON: Hello? Hello? Yes, is this the Jeremy show?
JEREMY: That's right, you're through live on the air with Jeremy. What's on your mind?
MRS HAMPSON: I’d like to speak to the manager, please.
JEREMY: (sighs) Why didn’t I take that tv job.
