Hello Femmepig! You’re welcome inadvance for my advice :)

Are you aware of a particular causefor the feelings of inadequacy? Has he recently had difficulty achieving andmaintaining erection? Is his body changing as he gets older and he’s self-consciousabout it? Is there something else going on that might account for a blow to hisself-image?

There could be. Whatever it is, I’mbetting he hasn’t mentioned it to you or may even be trying to hide it from youout of shame. It’s really natural for submissives to want to be there to helptheir partners. But sometimes dominants have things they need to work throughon their own.

Here’s what I’d advise. Sit himdown. Ask permission to step outside of roles for a moment. Then ask him allkinds of questions to see if he’ll open up to you about what’s going on. Lethim know that while you’re always there for him to offer support and help ashis submissive, that more than anything it pains you to not know what’s goingon. So even if you can’t help you want to be in the loop as his husband,partner, and submissive.

If he opens up to you:

Listen carefully to what he tells you.

Thank him.

Ask clarifying questions.

Ask where he would like to go from here.

Ask what you shouldn’t do with this information.

If he asks you to let it go let it go.

If he won’t open up to you try oneor two of the following:

Try not to take it personally and recognize he is struggling at the moment.

See if you can create a surprise for him you know he’d enjoy. It can be sexual like a video for your husband you made especially for him and leave on a usb drive with a note. Or non-sexual such as a reservation at his favorite restaurant and a toast to him.

You could write him a love note about all the things that he does that he doesn’t know you love. Or a special moment from the past that really cemented your love for him

You can also try surprising him with something sexy he likes to do but hasn’t gotten into lately.

I would do all three of the above.You never know if you’re going to accidentally walk on a landmine.

If you think that the slutting maysomehow be responsible you could try taking a break for a month and see how hereacts. I wouldn’t announce it or anything, just do it and see what happens.

As a fellow dominant I’m going totell you a few common things you might not know about your dominants.

We LIVE for you looking up to us. Some of us will admit that, others won’t.

When we have a submissive partner, their disappointment in us is absolutely crushing. It can reduce a very strong man to a despondent lump.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to look, be, and act like the MAN you all believe us to be.

We also put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be self-reliant so that you will think we’re indestructible.

So, if he continues to conceal theproblem there’s probably a lot of pride being bruised because of shame and he’safraid to have it bruised further by telling you.

He can get past it. Just stick withhim. Do little caring things. Worm your way past his defenses and I’m surehe’ll be back to his old self soon enough. Good luck!

 Although everyone into the BDSM scene has heard of endorphins, actually very, very few people really understand what they are, how they work, what the “high” is all about and how one can correctly induce the body to produce them. This short primer will answer those questions, and serve as a guide for anyone topping another so that they may successfully send their bottom into a very deep endorphin stupor! (Also known as leaving them in a big puddle of quivering ecstasy!)

The endorphin high is caused by a bunch of natural, morphine-like chemicals the body pumps into your brain to reduce your sensitivity to pain (thus raising your pain threshold.) The fact that the body seems to release these endorphins in measured ‘loads’ is a key to understanding how to ‘play’ the body to produce these ‘loads’ and ‘release’ them into the body and brain region when the ‘load’ is ready. One has to keep in mind that another chemical – adrenalin – is also produced by the body in reaction to pain, and its behavior should be understood also. This is covered later more thoroughly in the section at the end on aftercare – which is a VERY essential element in guaranteeing the success of the effort, as you will see.

The endorphin ‘loads’ as they are available in the body are released in their entirety, and after a ‘load’ is released, it takes the body about ten minutes to generate the chemicals for another one. After the body has been induced to release (or 'inject’) a 'load’ into the system, you must then continue stimulating the body for at least ten minutes in some manner before the body will be ready to release another one. This stimulation can be just about anything – sensation play, light paddling or flogging, light caning, etc. – and it does not have to be intense or even nearly match the intensity of stimulation that had caused the release of the last 'load.’

Once prepared, an increase in stimulation over a five minute span up to a measured 'climax’ will trigger the body to release the freshly prepared 'load’ (based upon the submissive’s current pain threshold, “measured” to push them over a new edge.)

So, armed with this information, what does a session look like from the top’s and bottom’s point of view? This should break it down for you.

When a scene first starts, there are no endorphins in the submissive, and even fairly light torment is very stingy, ouchy, and, well, painful! There is an endorphin reserve already in place that is awaiting release into one’s body in case of an emergency, and after just a few minutes of even relatively mild stimulation building to a mild climax, this reserve 'load’ is released, and suddenly the pain threshold clearly rises and the subject can easily tolerate what earlier may have been pushing their limits, making them jump around and squirm, for instance. This new, more pain tolerant state is Level One. There is no altered state of consciousness yet – but there is an increased pain threshold.

Once this has happened, for the top it’s basically just about treading water for ten minutes and doing anything that provides relatively light but constant stimulation to induce the bottom’s body to prepare/create their next 'load’ for release. This is a good time for sensation play, or light paddling, flogging or whipping – and since the only requirement is that it remain fairly constant stimulation, it is a chance for the top to relax for a bit, since the stimulation can be very mild and be easy and relaxing to apply during this time.

Once the ten minutes has passed, a build in intensity over a subsequent five minute period will excite the body to a peak, and a sudden 10–15 seconds or so of intense stimulation just beyond the person’s current pain threshold limit will trigger the body to eject its freshly made, current load into the bloodstream. Now the bottom will be at  Level Two – with still no perceivable altered state of consciousness (beyond panting in relief that you, the top, have ceased with the intense bit!), but there is a considerable  and noticeable leap in pain threshold now.

Following this, again, ten minutes of mild, easy stimulation to provoke the body into generating the next load as quickly as possible. Keep this well below the pain threshold you’ve now created, with just a little intense whack, etc. every so often, about a minute apart. This will keep the adrenalin build up to a minimum, for reasons explained later on. Take it easy, tops, relax, rest that arm and wrist a bit! Then, this relaxing ten minutes is followed with five minutes of building the intensity again to well above the previous level, as the bottom’s pain threshold is pretty high already now and they can take a lot more before the body interprets this as being 'in crisis’ and thus triggers the endorphins’ release. Finished off with 10–15 seconds (up to a minute) of a real intense, over the edge push, and the body will inject that next load.

Now at  Level Three, the bottom will definitely feel a little bit 'woozy’ — exhibiting a “mildly drugged” state. Their eyelids should become heavier seeming, and they will fall into a more relaxed condition than before, with more low moans and groans, and with their inhibitions becoming more relaxed. Again, applying ten minutes of any relatively mild stimulation (don’t have to work hard, tops!), followed by a five minute build to a 10–15 second intense climax now that is WELL beyond the previous one, will result in the next endorphin “load” being released to push the bottom into a very nice Level Four head space.

At this Level Four state, there will be a very definite altered state of consciousness in evidence, and the bottom will feel clearly drugged and will be very compliant and submissive now. This is countered, however, by the largest charges of adrenalin they have received so far (from the intense climax just used to push them over this “edge”), so they are still quite communicative and their reaction time is still quick (even hypersensitive – a small whack with a paddle, cane or whip can now generate a huge amount of twitching or jerking of the subject’s body with certain bottoms.) Now, during the ten minute 'treading water’ period for the top, the moans and groans will be longer and deeper, the body often limp in it’s restraints, and the reactions to the occasional harder 'strikes’ will be obvious and even somewhat amplified. This is the tops finest time – they can still relax and obviously not be exerting themselves very hard, yet produce fine moans of ecstasy from their bottom with hardly any provocation! The pain threshold is high, even if the reaction time is increased due to the adrenalin, so harder occasional strikes are welcomed, and the reactions are certainly encouraging!

After this ten minute “endorphin replenishment” period, now it is important to be very sensitive to the limit levels crossed earlier, as you begin that five minute build in intensity that will end in the most intense limit pushing you might do with the bottom for this session (if you are stopping at level five). The bottom will have a very high pain threshold at this time, but also will be fairly groggy (in spite of the adrenalin-fueled reaction times) and less able to communicate their safe word – in fact, will now be so compliant that it is very UNLIKELY that they would use it even if they should do so! So, push this “grand finale” with finesse and sensitivity to what is going on with your bottom! At the other end of the 10–30 second climactic build in intensity – in a wonderful blast – this latest endorphin load will push the bottom into Level Five: a state of supreme ecstasy, docility, and the ability to take just about anything you could throw at them. They will become very limp and relaxed very suddenly – and be very clearly in an altered state of consciousness now.

This is the point most people end the scene and remove the bottom to cloak them in a blanket and begin the all-important aftercare … and unless you know your bottom extremely well, this is where the session should end. However, for those in that category of knowing their bottom’s limits and abilities quite well, the rules and timing are the same as with the earlier segments. Now, your 'mild’ stimulation could be fairly intense if you wanted it to be, and the bottom will become extremely submissive – and receptive – and accepting of any amount of stimulation you could lay on them. This is a dangerous condition, because there is NO WAY a person will utter a safe word in this condition – they can barely talk at all! So, it is best to keep the stimulation relatively intense but not too too (Note: the stronger intensity applied now will hold up the adrenalin levels, and the combination with the elevated endorphins levels creates a condition of intense excitement and of simultaneously intense ecstatic relaxation for the bottom, so they’ll be into receiving whatever is being doled out. More on adrenalin in a minute, though!) Again, finish off after the ten minutes with a building in intensity to one beyond that reached earlier, with a 10–15 second extreme point, and the next 'load’ will be released. So, now we have brought the bottom to a very amazing  Level Six! (But, again, this should only be attempted with a bottom whose limits and abilities are already very well known! The top is working without the benefit of safe words being utterable, in most cases by this time, so care must be exercised this whole while.)

With all the adrenalin now in the body – as well as the complete release of inhibitions from the heavy dosing of endorphins now in their brain – behavior of the bottom can become unpredictable at this point, and you should be prepared to restrain against some wild thrashing and arm flailing that could take place (at least be out of harm’s way!) The person/bottom is going to be in such an intensely altered state of consciousness now that their reactions could possibly be of an extremely primitive nature, and they may be capable of only 'animal-like’ noises and reactions, and no or very little recognizable speech. So, watch out! Following this reasoning, approach the subject as you would a wild animal – very gently, talking soothingly and gesturing in a calming manner. Be prepared for sudden wild jerking, or seeming attempts to 'get away.’ And don’t take it personally! At Level Six, this person is totally ga-ga! Be assured, they are enjoying every millisecond of this experience! And a very long period of dreaminess is now in store for them – if their aftercare is handled properly!

So, why do I go on and on about the aftercare? The work of putting endorphins into the subject’s body is finished, right? Well, yes, but you have also succeeded in putting very, very large amounts of adrenalin into their system, and adrenalin is tricky stuff. Even at Level Four, aftercare is important now because of they way adrenalin burns off – it burns off very quickly – compared to endorphins, which burn off very slowly. At Level Five or Level Six, there is enough adrenalin in the body that it will take 10 to 20 minutes for it to burn off (even up to half an hour!), and during this time, the bottom very likely will experience a number of adrenalin 'crashes’ (similar in a way to coffee jags), and some of these can be very intense — and even quite frightening! They will need to be kept warm and be held and comforted AT LEAST throughout this period of adrenalin burn-off. My feeling is that if you don’t care enough for the bottom to enjoy cuddling and caressing with them for up to half an hour, you probably shouldn’t be taking them to any Level Six endorphin/adrenalin levels! (Or even perhaps to a Level Four!)

This adrenalin “crash” experience for the bottom is something many, many tops are unaware of, and they have no concept of the amount of harm they could be doing to someone’s psychological state by not performing adequate, loving, fondling and comforting aftercare during this time. All the bottom needs now is to be held and to hold you (or whoever you assign to perform aftercare) back – in order to be comforted by your presence, and to be allowed to make you become the entire focus of their awareness. No stroking, or massage, or other stimulus is needed or even desirable at this time. What is important is to keep in verbal contact with the bottom (not requiring words as responses, merely nods), instructing them every little while to relax. The adrenalin will have them in a very agitated state – high heart beat and breathing levels, etc. – and this situation is completely counter to the endorphin experience.Sure, they have a ton of endorphins in their system, but the adrenalin is presently holding them off from experiencing the full effect of them. The top’s guidance is extremely important at this time to help them relax through the adrenalin burn-off period.

The important thing to realize is that, if not actually 'talked down’ out of the adrenalin agitation, the person could easily never allow themselves to relax enough to even feel the massive content of endorphins that currently exist in their system! (Maybe you’ve all seen the bottom who, after 45 minutes to an hour of intense stimulation to the point of near-total collapse on the cross or bench, is released and – after a mere couple of minutes – is just mingling around and talking and mixing with people as if nothing ever happened. These people are floating on a self sustained adrenalin buzz. This not only is likely to be unhealthy, but these bottoms are cheating themselves out of a long, long stretch of total endorphin-induced ecstasy!)

Step-By-Step Aftercare Instructions

So, while gently holding the bottom and letting them hold you back, coo softly and comfort them, and tell them to go ahead and to let themselves relax. You will feel them do so as they comply to your wishes, as they are quite docile and compliant to receiving instructions at this point. But they will also slowly tense up again from the adrenalin. Keep reminding them to relax, telling them to give themselves permission to relax totally. As they begin to succeed at doing this after a while, some will encounter a frightening feeling, which some describe feeling as if 'falling off a cliff,’ and they will tense up a great deal from fright in that event. Or, they might encounter a feeling of intense 'blackness’ (as the endorphins get a chance to relax even their optic nerve) and they will freak out and pull back from relaxing again.

If they report such experiences (or even before they do) tell them not to fear that, but to let it go and pass through it – telling them to relax themselves through the sensation of falling or blackness with the understanding that this is quite normal and is a common experience. Once they do that, having learned to “relax through it”, they will be “in it” after that point, and will begin to relax very deeply, very often seeing colors and beautiful technicolor visions and dreamlike landscapes, spaces and places. How sweet!

Once this happens (which, again, will take at least 10 minutes — and up to a half hour for some, depending on the amount of adrenalin that they must burn off), then your bottom needs only a little more loving attention, and can then be left bundled in a blanket somewhere on their own to float in a happy bubble, very possibly for hours!

Tops should be mindful of the fact that if they had intended to have sexual play with their bottom, they should probably fit that in around level three or four, for after hitting level five, their bottom may be too floaty to be able to concentrate for long on what they are doing. Then again, that can sometimes result in extremely passionate and inhibition-free indulgence, resulting in heights of ecstasy and orgasm never before experienced. But, if your bottom drifts out on you or loses their erection, don’t say I didn’t warn you! There’s no telling which way they will go at level 5 or 6!

“Flying”

There is another factor that can produce an altered state of consciousness FAR FAR beyond even that of the most extreme endorphin experience. This is experienced by submissives whose intense focus upon their Master or Mistress (their Dominant) – and upon pleasing them – eventually leads to a hallucinogenic kind of altered state known commonly in the BDSM community as “flying,” having an almost mythological aura surrounding the word by now, though for very good reasons! It is probably the most profound experience one can have as a submissive. It involves a state of intense devotion towards the dominant (who is not just a mere “top” at this point!) that borders upon religious worship, with complete trust and a total commitment to please and satisfy them thoroughly. Through the attainment of a complete selflessness and focus on the dominant, a transformation takes place that is very, very deep, almost trance-like.It can become so profound as to produce an extended, hallucinogenic state that is very wonderful and blissful. Many have reported even seeing visions under the spell of this “flying” effect. All have attested to the profound sense of peace and bliss they have experienced while even near the “edge” of this state.

This “flying” state can be attained by some with very little endorphin content in their system (some say even with none, but I’m quite certain most folks have attained at least a level Three or Level Four endorphin high in order to trigger the total release of inhibitions which this psychological state seems to require, at least generally speaking.) With practice, the release into this “flying” submissive-space should come easier and easier, eventually with even a mere suggestion being able to trigger the effect for some with very little or even no endorphin content being in the picture. COMBINED with the level 5 or 6 endorphin head space, there likely can be no deeper state of ecstasy possible for the bottom — short of total enlightenment! Until such an experience of full enlightenment can be accomplished, perhaps the attainment of this interim bliss is quite acceptable, and certainly should be considered an attractive and enjoyable state to be in! The secret ingredients are intense focus; a commitment to please the dominant utterly; and complete and total devotion! These ingredients – with some endorphins in the mix – should produce a quite satisfying effect for both the submissive and the dominant!

A very long read, but interesting for anyone who has ever wondered about BDSM and deliberately inflicted pain, and a very important read for any couples actually considering trying it, to be read and fully understood before they do! All credit to masters-adored-pet.  

You might like to start with some even more basic information HERE.

I’ve gotten messages from new dominants asking for advice on how to dominate. When I gave advice it turned into the newer dominant asking me to hold his hand and provide details I felt were unnecessary. The more I’ve since thought about those occurrences the more I thought of my own beginnings in BDSM and how I too would’ve welcomed some formula or guidance to follow. So this piece is intended for very new dominants who feel they need their hand held a bit. I will list a few skills to have, what your objective should be and how to go about it. If you find this helpful, please share; it helps a ton! Don’t forget to check my blog for any other subjects that might interest you.

1.       Presence

Objective: Cause a submissive to be captivated by you and what you have to say and want to do.

Suggested practice: When it comes to establishing presence, this one will take a fair bit of practice. I feel very comfortable with it after a lot of practice over 6 years. So let’s get into details. Observation of your audience is paramount. See if you can discern his interests are either from his profile or from what the subject is saying or doing near you. There’s never a harm in asking, that’s a great way to start a conversation. Once you know the audience’s interests, start integrating them into your conversation. You want to project confidence (even if you feel nervous). If you’re typing, use strong language. Namely, language that conveys certainty, inevitability, confidence… for example: “If you were my boy I’d always make sure you had my fat cock to suck on!” not “Well if you’re amenable, I might pull my cock out of my pants for you to suck… If you wanted…” The confidence is an important part of getting a submissive’s attention and holding it. After all, confidence is a hallmark of domination.

Once you’ve gotten some information on your audience, you want to drill down on issues and make him horny and hard. When men are horny, their capacity to think is limited and that makes them predictable. That predictability is vital because we’re going to make use of it to make ourselves come across as a mind reader. You want to make some dirty talk to show off your skill as a dominant. Once you’re sure your audience is horned up. Throw out: “you’re hard aren’t you?” And when they affirm, refer back to the piece of dirty talk that you think got the best reaction: “It was when I said I would wrap twine around your nuts until they were jutting out exposed and give them a nice punch, wasn’t it?” You should get another affirmation. At this point, if you’re getting better at getting boys to this point, stick a foot out and see if you can get them to agree to predictions. “I bet you’ve sized up my cock to figure out how much of a challenge it would be to fit in your hole.” The trick in predictions is to start out vague, but then narrow down to become more specific as time goes on. You can get more specific as you learn how your boy thinks, but starting out vague and being successful at getting him to affirm your statements is what lays the groundwork for a boy thinking you have mind reading powers. When all is said and done, a boy who feels like you know him inside and out, who feels your confidence will be pliable in your hands. That is the power of presence.

2.       Respect

Objective: To respect submissives as people.

Suggested practice: Submissives are people too. Dominants are people too. Forget what you’ve seen in porn, it will lead you astray. Let me also break that down for you quickly. Porn is mass produced. The more generally applicable a porn is, the better it sells. Porn never seeks to diversify anywhere that does not profit it to do so. For example, the preponderance of white actors in most twink porn and how anything with a white and non-white actor would be deemed interracial (a genre unto itself). So, porn is not a good role model for how a dominant should act. I would recommend “The Topping Book” By Dossie Eastman. That book gives examples of real life dom/sub couples who play correctly with regards to respect for one another. Respect for a sub produces a greater rate of return play partners.

3.       Dirty Talk

Objective: Be confident enough in dirty talk to be able to use it when flirting and in the moment.

Suggested practice: I want to start off with the simplest most basic of dirty talk advice. Always keep in mind the words of Dan Savage (sex advice columnist and funny guy): “Describe what you’re going to do, describe what you are doing, and describe what you just did.” This is the simplest most basic level of dirty talk. With this in mind, you can always fall back on that advice if you get stuck or don’t know what to say. This will help you be a bit more confident you won’t run out of material in the moment and empower you to be bold in your dirty talk.

I wrote advice on this subject here but will expand on it in this article in a shortened fashion. Know your audience’s interests, you need those to rev them up and make the dirty talk relevant to the person you’re talking to. It is also helpful once you know the interests to make subject of the dirty talk to think through a few lines in advance while you’re calm and not in the moment. Think them through, adjust them to taste and then think through another. The objective is not to remember them all and spout them like a machine (if you can remember them all kudos), but rather to have them in the background of your mind for you to draw on when your mind goes blank in the moment. The subconscious is not creative; it will draw on existing knowledge and thoughts you’ve had.

4.       Setting up a scene

Objective: Set up a scene that is generally applicable so you can have something to practice with a new sub.

Suggested practice: You want to set up a “scene”. This is a pre-constructed experience you will guide the submissive through. I also wrote an article on this here, but will summarize here in more detail. Things to think about in the scene will be related to each of the senses. Do you want to have candles that burn in the background the added flickering light and the smell of leather in the background are a good place to start. For your first scene, make sure that whatever you set up is easy and fairly basic to do. It should be something you can set up for in about 10 minutes. Consider any paddles or toys you might need and make sure they have a place in the scene. Then think through the flow of your scene. Write it down your first time and review it. You do not need to worry about keeping it forever, or even improving on it much. It’s useful to have because submissives often ask “so what do you normally do with guys”. Having an answer for that will take a lot of pressure off of you in the moment if you weren’t expecting to hear that.

5.       Persona

Objective: Pick out a persona to inhabit when dominating