Such is life, life is such

I did, I fell in love, and you just up and left. Now I’m all fncked up.

You’re the worst. You said you wouldn’t hurt me but you did. You played my heart strings and now they’re all torn up.

One step forward, two steps back

Having trauma blocking. Couldn’t remember or talk about what it was that made me upset yesterday at group when it was my turn. And now I’m upset about the memory block, scared of the hurt my subconscious is protecting me from.

Went to the lake but couldn’t focus, cried. Vented to bestie.

Had to stop driving, avoid the freeway because I felt physical symptoms trying to remember what got me into therapy while driving. Mild pulsing headache, ringing in my ears - as I tried to remember.

Successfully distracted myself by playing a prerelease event for MTG. Felt paranoia at the event, banter made by players around me felt like they were talking about me. Laughing.

Heavy feeling in my chest, in my footsteps.

Am I facing it? Am I not?

Do I? Do I not?

There’s something there

Something I fear

enough to lock it away

I know something is there

And I know that it hurts,

Score: 16/18

I reflected on my reflection from yesterday hahaha uhh I realized it sounded like I was frustrated and thought that being selfless was wrong, that it got me into therapy and that it felt like a time out or a punishment. I wanted to speak less in processing group yesterday but it’s just super hard not to act on the urge to help others when they’re clearly in pain or suffering. That’s… that’s me. That’s probably something I can’t change about myself and I can’t label that as wrong.

I have to be on my side.

Therapy isn’t time out or punishment either, it’s assistance. The problem is how bad I feel, my conflict avoidance issues, my history of abuse that wove parts of me that has low self-esteem or belief that I have to be perfect in my work or abilities or loved by others to have self worth.

I think I have a million conflicts I’m avoiding but can’t decide on something to use for a thought record. I just need to sit in the pain, in the uncomfortable for a bit to get there and remind myself what it is I need to be facing at the moment. Oof. Ugh.

But I mean, I handled worms for fishing so I can probably open another can of worms, right?

(Warning: video of me hooking an earthworm)

Score: 20/25

Today’s reflection go back to a silent comment made by someone in processing group while we were working on my thoughts. She said one word, “gifted”. I honed in on it at the time - asked her to repeat, the very word made my thoughts race, wait what - how did she know, what did I say that made her think that, etc.

I don’t like the label gifted. Once upon a time I was considered a gifted child and indeed was privileged with wonderful experiences and education - but now that I’m grown up, I wanna be a giving adult. It sounds noble, and I used to like the thought but at this very moment I feel sadness from the realization that… Is this mentality also contributing to my selflessness?

I have needs just as everyone else, and maybe I’ve been more than ready to give them up and adjust because some people have been envious of me growing up. I’ll manage because “I’m gifted”? That’s messed up. To others who thought that and for past Galatea who strongly believed it, stop that.

I’m out of the house already so I’ll have to put an alarm to do my homework and score myself for today but I imagine they’re both pretty much the same. Nothing has changed on that front aside from the fact that I’m very excited to have a whole day to fish and be around nature today.

It is the new moon, and because it was dark all night, the bass are gonna be feeding all day!

I’ve been so hopeful every time I go out to fish that I’m expecting the same pattern in terms of results but bestie was right, just being out in nature has been good for me regardless. I imagine my scores would be higher if not. Subconscious Galatea knew what perfect hobby to hone in on, too. Nature because proven antidepressant and through fishing, I have that mental capacity to be mindful about the motions of fishing and still have room to my thoughts without obsessing or spiraling. I quite like this special time to myself. I don’t feel lonely at all, but sure would be nice to get advice on what I’m doing wrong so I can freakin’ catch this SOB. (That isn’t catfish!)

Althouuuuuggghhhhh, I did get stuck in the water grass (reeds?) the other day when I rented a boat. I was lost in my thoughts and didn’t realize I got myself in an area filled with vegetation, motor’s rudders (?) got tangled up and I got banked before I knew it. The motor couldn’t go in reverse for some reason, tried the other battery and did other troubleshooting but when none of those worked I called the concession stand to ask for a rescue. Rescue came and changed my motor, pulled the boat out of the vegetation and shallows and I was saved!

One of the therapists at IOP made a point that it was a nice metaphor for my situation - got stuck, asked for help and got rescued and my mind was blown away.

I think I was lost in thought for most of processing group coz I hardly remember anything except for my thought record stuff and that damn good metaphor.

—

Why do I try so hard at being a nurse, why do I always put others first, why do I take it so sensitively when I or my work are criticized, why why why

I think maybe past Galatea felt so very helpless at the time of my sister’s death that present Galatea is trying to work away that helplessness. I didn’t understand what had been going on so I wanted to know on a medical level, and even now I still don’t know.

Because I never will.

I wasn’t part of that team involved with my sister’s case and I need to understand that. That was then, Tea. No amount of work will undo it, but you can work hard so others won’t feel what you’ve gone through and even then you have to understand you can’t save everyone from illness and death.

Maybe I have a savior complex.

A part of me really loves people, who they are, how they think, what makes them who they are. It’s why I went for psychology at first, I wanted to understand them. There should be no question that my intentions are to help and support others, but I’ll never be able to do so fully unless I have come to terms with that helplessness past Galatea felt.

What now tho? Do I still want to be a nurse?

Someone from processing group praised my empathy towards others, and it felt wonderful. A part of me, a paranoid me, wondered if I was being evaluated by ‘the network’ for being a psycho/sociopath that I started to believe it. Because if it were truly the case, then I wouldn’t be able to live with myself and none of this work would be worth it…

When Haejin was in therapy, she always used to say her goal was to become the best version of herself. I want to adopt that but what would that mean? What is the best version of me? I need to define that for me and work towards it.

I did 2 thought records last night. I tried to write a DEESC script for my mom coz we had an argument about my Big Bear Lake trip with bro… I also tried to write an empathy letter but I ended up feeling angry instead and I had to distract myself from it. Don’t think I’m ready for that at the moment.

I got triggered by 2 of my friends simultaneously after venting to them. The very day I spoke about disliking textbook sounding responses in processing group, they did the same out of the blue. It made them feel distant and made me feel lonely, and I lashed out at them for it.

credits to: borjenart.deviantart.com