I'm uhhhhhhhh

I think I have replayed disco elysium uh idk how many weeks or days ago and I really like this game and when I finished it I thought what a perfect end of my life and then I realised that the end of my life is nowhere to be close so I hit the total hollowness mood ever. ** more days until the Great Suicide I guess. censoring the days because I've been going crazy and my mother who I am stuck with is superstitious and I hate superstitions and I'm also going crazy so I'm becoming superstitious like I used to be in my childhood.

I also have been starving uhhhh idk not in an ed way but in a I don't want to be this piece of meat anymore way because I have no appetite to eat anything. I guess because I'm depressed. my stomach kinda hurts but I can't bring myself to eat anything. I could have forced myself but uhh. or couldn't have because I can't do anything at all.

I think if took a dementia test right now I would fail it. I don't know how I'm going to survive in the university. I don't remember any shiiit at all. I hate people. I hate psychiatrists. I just randomly thought about them and thought that the humanity is rotten with hypocrisy.

everything is evil.

this is going to be my car seat headrest monologue.

people are insects people are animals people are meat people don't have any value all people should die. there is nothing miraculous in living. the universe just doesn't care if people exist. it just all doesn't even fucking matter? the music the art the tech the social connections. life sucks mate. I don't want to do "living". there is no logical incentive to start doing anything at all. draw? fuck why. get the results? why. skill? don't care. who cares? the process?, I haven't experienced enjoyment since I was 11. however I doubt I have ever had experienced enjoyment. enjoyment is not even real it's filthy and deep down you know it rots your brain and makes your head hurt.

I'm not even a person. I have stopped longing for something. I have stopped experiencing emotions. I no longer WANT. I only CAN'T do shit now. now it's not that I don't WANT it's because I CAN'T.

I can't do shit anymore.

there is not a single thing in this existence that is worthy of it. destroy the galaxies destroy the solar system make that HYDROGEN BOMB shower earth bwith blood. I don't care.

I'm going to smoke some shit drink a beer do a line and wear sunglasses as everything fucking blows up into nothing

but you see I wouldn't do lines drink beers and smoke shit. I only said all of these because it's stereotypically COOL. I want nothing. I don't even want to be COOL. I m just saying it because I've been saying it all of my life and it just says itself and not me.

so yeah blow the shit up I don't care I don't want it nor I want it

I can't even fiddle with my COOL lighter because I'll begin to burn my fingertips and they won't give me out my international passport. they can't give me my international passport for 3 weeks because my fingerprints just never match. this is really stupid because how do they identify murderers then.

it's also really funny because my mother wants me to go to china with it in 2028.

mothers suck. they just do shit then see how your queer-platonic-asexual-death partner put off his cigarettes on you and start saying that no one is going to hire you and you will be unemployed.

and then they do shit again like LIVING and bringing everyone into their stupid LIVING without any consent. and now as they had already brought you they want you to OBEY THE SYSTEM.

the SYSTEM is some transphobic bullshit and forcing everyone to work 9-5 for the rest of their lives and experiencing the existential horror.

LIVING is really pointless. it is also painful and bilious. it is talking to skin bags with meat inside of them and pretending everything matters. LIVING is what no one wants.

people want COMMUNISM and not LIVING.

living is what hurts me badly and it's not because I'm doing it wrong but because it's programmed to be hurtful. that's why I'm gonna end it and chill.

people would also call it dying. I don't really care I just wanna be cremated.

this summer is a total limbo bro.

I've just been doing shit.

I even took up cooking for some time. don't know when it was. before or after disco elysium.

cooking is really stupid because I fail every time. I used to love it because it took a lot of TIME till death. I could cook all the way to death because you don't exist when you are cooking. it also comes with a reward when you are finished doing it. but after a few days i became self aware when cooking again and the reward became a torture so I don't do this shit anymore.

I'll probably have to because I'm running out of edibles.

oh my head hurts so much it wants me to kill myself and I can't sleep to make the pain stop. it's excruciating. I'm texting this because I'm immensely bored. I don't want do shit but I can't handle the pain anymore. I can't exist in the void. everything is void.

do you know about jesus?

I actually know about jesus and jesus doesn't have to do anything with life. yeah he's kinda the SYSTEM guy. I actually hate how y'all even glazing him. especially MOTHERS. he's a party of that SYSTEM.

all psychiatrists work for the SYSTEM.

SYSTEM is what everyone is living.

the system is CAPITALISM and the SYSTEM is capitalism. they wanna get you working and working to extract their own pleasure. they wanna get everyone working on this system because they are comfortable on the top of it.

oh they hate me when I come that welfare state doesn't have to exist because we can just use a HYDROGEN BOMB.

"oh you can't do this because the Jesus guy said naw!"

have Jesus guy ever read Nietzsche? I have read 21 pages of Nietzsche and then asked ai to explain Nietzsche to me and persuaded it to tell me to kill myself.

so yeah HYDROGEN BOMB is totally okay with everyone because they will stop LIVING and as they do that the SYSTEM gonna end.

they don't know it but they suffer in this LIVING.

LIVING is their SYSTEM.

living is pain. all they do is try to escape pain. because they are programmed and that's the SYSTEM. to fuck around and reproduce out. they are just really advanced animals. not advanced in my opinion anyway but we have what we have.

I'm doing everyone a favour by killing them.

I'm liberating them souls. souls are kinda a Jesus guy thing though. he was told to tell everyone about souls so they could continue fucking around without the existential crisises.

MOTHERS would have really benefited from HYDROGEN BOMB. them MOTHERS often come with neuro-sometging-paralysis. they be thinking that LIVING can be done without it which is really stupid.

they are uncomfortable with everything you do and want you to do the LIVING.

they only want EDUCATION, FLAT and 5/2 OFFICE JOB.

they also don't want you grabbing a knife and pointing it at the fathers before or after you get knocked out by them.

they want you to leave them the fuck alone because you are not what they had given birth to.

and then they only want you to get EDUCATION, FLAT and 5/2 OFFICE JOB again.

apparently you also can't leave the FLAT.

apparently the MOTHERS actually want more than just EDUCATION, FLAT and 5/2 OFFICE JOB but they never going to tell you because "I WANT TO CONTROL YOUR ENTIRE LIFE" sounds off-putting.

MOTHERS only rely on PUBLIC OPINION. that's why they are not just a disgusting meat bag but also the SYSTEM.

but I've been ranting to long on it. it doesn't actually matter. nothing actually matters.

that's why I would also benefit from a HYDROGEN BOMB greatly.

LIVING makes me feel filthy. all the "you need to" things.

take my queer-platonic-asexual-death partner. he is COOL. he be smoking cigarettes and cut himself until the fat of the meat bag comes out.

he doesn't really wanna do any of what he does because nothing brings him ENJOYMENT, too. that's why we are partners. we are the same until we not. we are COMMUNISTS together. he's also suffering from the MOTHERS. he be having three of them. may be more.

he really likes cuddling. I be sticking around. he be smoking and putting cigarettes on himself and me.

I would have killed myself if I had to do something repetitively several times a day and that's why I'm not smoking. I'm sure he would also killed himself and that's why we are killing ourselves.

nothing much to say about him. he sees the meat bags as well. he hates everything and his brain hurts as well. but he's more of let's do the suffering guy. it doesn't bring him joy really but he's still the please twist this knife in my ribcage guy. I'm not really sure why he wants it but I don't really mind. I'm going to twist the knife in his ribcage.

we can cuddle in a HYDROGEN BOMB ROOM if he wants. he can watch skin peeling off my face if he wants because I don't really mind. but he doesn't really want it because he wants me to peel the skin off him.

I don't really mind anyway. I don't have anything to do.

it's kinda awkward because of the SYSTEM. they don't like when people hurt themselves because it can break the SYSTEM.

that's why they have invented KINDNESS, MEDICINE, HORROR and PAIN.

It all doesn't really matter and that's why I'm chill with the blood coming out of his ribcage. and he also says I'm COOL.

I know I'm not because no one can be COOL. but I have words that make me seem like it. he also says it's the DESTINY. and he talks about SOULMATES. I reply with the words. I don't see his FACE. it is white paper face. them all having these faces.

that's how I know that no one can be COOL. because every human is the same. no one can be SOULMATES because there are too many of them to be called the DESTINY.

but he is rather COOL because he will gift me the HYDROGEN BOMB for the Great Suicide.

I never want him to find about my words. I want him to think I like him. I like him. just not with my FEELINGS.

I want the death to make us together forever. only this way it is going to be REAL. because he will never find about my words. and we will not be meat bags anymore but FOREVER LASTING CONCEPTS.

every happy end has a day after but this one doesn't. that's why it is the COOLEST.