jellyfish of the land

heaven

transviolet - bloodstream

i had a depersonalization episode today and it’s scary, i don’t like not knowing myself and feeling completely lost. i turned 25 and i went out and tried to have fun but it didn’t feel real. it felt forced and i have to ask other people what to do and how to be a person and what is age appropriate in 21st century america. i could have just stayed home by myself and listen to my music and drink to feel comfortable in my body and behave like this is all okay. i took 6 days off from work and i did not do anything except think. and every thought i have had is “this feels wrong” and many things have been feeling so wrong, and examples have been flashing through my mind like runners in a marathon race, and i look at their exertion and their effort all to get to the same goal, the finish line, and i look at one of their faces and think “you’re wrong” and another face and think “you’re wrong, too.” i think about how ever since about sixth grade of elementary school i have been in consistent despair about everything with little flashes of excitement interspersed. what keeps me going is that there is something, no matter how small or quiet that i notice and it’s new. there is something new that i have not seen or heard or felt. but then i go through hours in between where i have had it, i’m done, i want to disappear like a single breeze in the night air. i hate not working but also hate working, just different reasons and different tones of resentment but it’s still hatred. i hate food and i hate eating and i don’t eat breakfast and usually not lunch because i’m so nauseous in the mornings and afternoons and only eat after i’ve acclimated myself to people and objects and situations. and then i eat like there won’t be a tomorrow but i’m feeling like i’m getting to the point again where i don’t want to eat, period. i think i drank every day i’ve had off because it gets me comfortable being a person a little quicker and i’d always held off until at least 4:00 pm because it makes me feel better about doing it, but the next morning i’m filled with regret because i don’t have control and the same thing with cigarettes. i hate smoking and every day i berate myself with negative thoughts but beating yourself to the point of being bruised and bloodied is not a healthy mechanism but that’s how i make behavioral change. i have to bully myself to change habits. some days i am very reserved and weak and other days i am aggressive and commanding and talk over people. there is no balance to anything that is me. i know how to get by but i’m killing myself doing that. anxiety is supposed to be managed through breathing exercises and aerobic activity and adequate sleep and sobriety from psychoactive substances and healthy diet and i can do ALL of those things and i will still feel detached and blown around and lost and screaming and afraid. how do i anchor something so wild and unstable and explosive and volatile.

yesssssssssssssssssssssss

gather around, listen to my sound. i bark and cluck, i make noises, i don’t give a fuck! you listen, and i get into your brain, and i fuck your neurons, and i make them misfire, make you an emotional cyclone. i am a waterfall, steady and constant, with rain, or without. i give life, and i take away life. i am a creator and destroyer. i give you what you want and take away what you need. but really, really, i am just a messenger. a messenger for your self-doubts and your reassurances. i am a pat on the back and a slap in the face. you can feel or numb. decide and succumb.

Love and kisses

the sand falls through your fingers. close the gaps, fill them quick, each grain a thought of meaning, each grain an emotion worth feeling. give your ability to love a chance all while denying romance. you are a lovable bubble of fuckable?? yes let’s talk sex. penis in hole, feel it penetrate your soul, take it whole. wink wink wink again. make your intentions known, your fears you rapidly dethrone.

khai - do you go up

goldroom - mykonos (fleet foxes cover)

refs - pain goes away

we are floating on a raft in the pacific at night and there is the smallest sliver of moon but still so bright in aquatic desert and the wind is blowing us west and there are mako sharks circling our raft but we don’t care. i see a meteor but you didn’t see it and i am upset but i also feel special, like it was a secret only the sky and i shared. you turn your head sideways and look at the horizon, unenthusiastically tell me about the emptiness of it. i listen intently but i don’t look to the horizon. i look at the reflection of that which gave us existence and want nothing. i am content floating on a raft, content sinking, content being mako food and supporting shark life. meanwhile you continue to look at the horizon hoping to see an island that can shield you from an imminent ending.

an entree.