a little life update if u even care…
(tldr: had the time of my life during my study abroad in beautiful seoul, south korea, but my mom who had gotten sick before that died the day after i came back)
i know im actually horrible with managing this account because i use it for a month when i’m back in my obey me phase, and then abandon it for a year, so standard procedure honestly. my birthday is on the 5th august, so only a few days left of me being 23, yet i really think has been the most transformative year of my life.
last year in may, my mom got a diagnosis for cancer and i became her full time caretaker while being in university, handling my job and my two volunteer jobs. physically and mentally, this was the hardest time of my life and nothing can compare. really, it felt like suddenly i had to do this important job, taking care of someone, not just anyone, but my mom – taking care of her, taking care of financial things, hospital visits, talks with doctors, getting and distributing her medicine, cooking, cleaning. my family was kind of tense about the whole situation, and because i was the only one living with my mom, my family basically told me to not go outside except for emergencies except if i need to get something for my mom or go to work/uni (which also didn’t work out). on the other hand, nobody was allowed to visit, so not only was i physically and mentally drained, but i was socially distanced from all my friends, which was, of course, hard.
before the diagnosis i already got accepted to study abroad in a really, really nice university in seoul. i almost cancelled it, but my mom was feeling better and i knew that if i couldn’t take a break, i’d genuinely have a breakdown. i already had numerous mental breakdowns when i was alone and i wasn’t able to manage my emotions by myself. and so, i took a 13h flight to one of the most beautiful towns i've ever seen to live in a dorm and experience a whole new life.
i could talk about seoul forever, but the main thing is that it was the best time of my life. i love the city, the culture, the country, the food, the people i met, the classes i took, the things i learned. seoul will forever have a special place in my heart and i can’t wait to get back.
but then i had to leave early. leave my friends behind and the city i grew to feel at home at. from one day to another, i wasn’t supposed to leave until the end of december. but my mom was getting worse. and so i took the next flight home, saying goodbye to my new home.
as soon as i arrived at the airport, my boyfriend met me there and we took a train to my city, during which he told me that my mom won’t make it and it has genuinely been a fight against time. my family was debating on telling me before my flight, but my bf (thank god) told them to not tell me so i wouldn’t crash out during the long flight (which i would’ve).
my best friend, who at that point lived about 5h away by car, came to pick me up from the train station as we went to the hospital straight away. that was the last time i talked to my mom, as a few hours later she died during the night. we got a call at 5am and that was it. a nurse told me that she thinks my mom was only able to hold on for so long because she knew i was coming. when i left, it was around 1am.
since then, i’ve been living alone in our old apartment. i’m struggling with paying everything by myself, keeping up with daily life, all while grieving my mom and dealing with the guilt i’ve been feeling. i can’t say how i’m doing now, because it’s a mix. i haven’t visited my mom's grave because i just can’t. but sometimes i’m so happy, i forget every bad thing. but then there are days where i panic from all the despair that’s crashing down on me.
life is, undoubtedly, hard for someone my age. there are many other things in my life that are challenging, so there were many moments where i was thinking „why me?“ i still don’t know the answer to that, but i really am just trying to not think too much.
but well… things like obey me or deltarune really help me feel like things are gonna be okay and i can be happy. it reminds me of times when i was still a bit younger and life a little easier.
but i really hope 24 won’t kick my ass like 23 has done damn!
