More than Enough.

Reality: you stay cut off still and pretend like we never existed.

8.9 Today is a very special day, adding another year to this old kid. As I look back into older videos, I get a little sad looking at it, because I realized that who we were back then no longer exist anymore, our love for each other still remains, but as the individual and our perspective between one another and everything else is different now. What I learn from my experience is learning how to properly love someone and knowing how to balance everything you already have and everything you have and want to have with that one person. I admit, I’m not all there yet, but I know that I sometimes have to put myself in a different point of view and see the bigger picture. That it’s not always about you or what you want. I know I’m the type to put others first before myself, but this is the first that I have to actually put myself to the test at how much I love this person and how far I’m willing to go for them. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who can be on their own and not need anyone in that way, relying on your own. Yet, being independent feels just as special as having someone, that deep down, you also want someone to rely on you too on anything because you’re the type that put others first and you would feel just as important too. That’s what I want to be for this person. From what I observe, this girl deserves all the love in the world and I’m not just saying it, but because it’s true. She cares deeply for everyone, friends, family, significant other. And witnessing that someone like her exist, you really want to make her feel just as important. So I just want to take this time to thank this wonderful soul for everything she’s done for me and still manage to find a way back into my life no matter how hard life comes at us or between us. And blessing this babygirl another amazing year and to get turnt tonight with everyone that loves her too.

But other than that, I’ve been thinking a lot if I want this or not, and I actually do, I think you can really be good for me and put balance in my life. And I miss you more when we’re apart, and I’m at a spot in my life where I’m not jumping into conclusions about how I feel, that I don’t lose track with everything else around me that matters too instead of losing myself, that I slow things down to see the bigger picture. I notice you still focus on the things surrounding me when I only focus on you and not the problems. Yet, I think about the consequences at the same time, so it helps me in the long run about the things I do. But I’m not gonna just dip when things get tough. That’s the part about love is to see growth in your person and be there throughout the whole journey. I’m capable of sticking with that person and I know where my feelings lie. So I have full control in knowing who I love, at the same time, I’m going to let the flow of the waves between us do it’s thing, because I have faith in us and what is love if you’re in complete control.

Wow, when you called me, I was so shook, when it was us three again, it felt like the good old times. I’m glad we can go back to how it was before, I miss it when it would be just us only and having to hear your voice from a mile away when we’re just a feet away from you. LOL

Audio is near and I’m kinda nervous because anything could happen. It’s the first rave that I don’t have you in that way and just the thought of that alone, hurts.... Always have. It’s nice to be free to do whatever you want to do and not be limited on anything by choice. But it’s nicer to have someone you know you’re down for or even someone waiting for you when you come home, or even sleeping on the phone with them. I miss how it was before, but things are different now. I don’t think I want it to be how it was before to the point where we end up hurting each other. I’d want it to where we were both content with each other, confide in each other, and just connected with each other only and not what surrounds us that defines who we are. But you can’t help it, because that’s just who you are, you care deeply for someone and I can’t blame you for that. That’s kinda what I love about you though. Yet, wiping away everything you see as flawed with that person, you’d lose all the things that make you happy. Loyalty is no sweat, I can be extremely loyal to whoever I’m with or talking to. (Treat others the way you want to be treated.) If I ever look back at myself in a different body and go against my own words, I’d be pretty disappointed in myself. I know who I am though, and how I’m changing for the better. I really hope you’re proud of me just as I am with myself. I miss you, and everything we did together. That’s why I let things happen. I shouldn’t have let everything happen though, like how I shouldn’t have hurt you or make you feel less important when you meant the whole world to me. I realize that now, and you were right to leave. I always thought that you were failing me. But if you were happier with me, maybe I was failing you. At the same time, I know what I deserve.. I think we’re both holding ourselves back, and it shouldn’t be like that. When you love a person, that person deserves all of you and not just in parts that you want them to see. This is what I get though when you signed up to give your heart to this person, you also signed up for the possibility of getting hurt by them. I don’t regret you though. I actually cherish everything you done for me and who you were to me. I don’t regret you at all. And I still care about you a lot. Always have.

She’s the first person I was willing to spend forever with. And even then, I knew we had a chance, and a chance we might not make it. I stayed because I poured all of myself to you. And in the end, I only drained myself. But it was worth it for the person you love right? But the moment they stop putting effort, it’s not worth it anymore. Because I deserve better. I always imagine a moment in time that you find the one, your person, after everyone else who comes in your life and tries to prove themselves, but they were never the one. You were. I’m sorry I keep messing up. And I end up being so hard on myself because I hate it whenever I let you down. And when I go off on you for something you did that hurt me, it was never my intentions to hurt you, because that’s not me, hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do. And I worry you when I’m out late or not responding, even though I’m out with friends. It shouldn’t be like that, where you feel anxious when I’m out late or who I’m with. I know you do the things you do because you care deeply about me. And I made you change for the sake of having a little freedom. Because you were suffocating me? Yeah..but I can tell you stop trying completely. And there’s a difference. I shouldn’t change you. And you shouldn’t change me. We both have to meet each other half way and change on our own with each other on our side. That’s how it should be. That’s how it should’ve been. You’re not a bad person okay? Just don’t stop caring. And don’t stop being you. Because that’s how I fell for you, was because you were this kindhearted, most caring person when I first met you. And you were just you. You can easily just enter a room full of people, start talking, and you’d grab anyone’s attention around you just by how you can start and keep up a conversation and they learn a little bit more about yourself and they end up liking you because you have this personality where you can light up the whole room and when you laugh, it’s infectious. And whenever you talk about something that is so passionate to you, whether it be dancing or even people, like you’re siblings or your aunt or uncle, they start seeing something in you. And that something about you is what makes you you. And I hope the next person you find, will give you all the love they can offer, the love you deserve, and give just as much as I did.

Fucking miss her.

• I’m not perfect, but neither are you

I’m just gonna stop running away and start walking towards the friends that are willing to hear me out because I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore....which eventually will hurt me.