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Alabama State Legislature Passes Measure Protecting Spermatozoa

After passing the nation’s most extreme anti-abortion law, the Alabama legislature doubled down on Wednesday, outlawing ‘fun’ sex. Per the new law, the release of spermatozoa without the intent to conceive will be a Class C felony, punishable by five years in prison. The bill was signed into law by Governor Kay Ivey and went into effect after a fifteen minute bathroom break.

“Sex is a four-letter…

NASA Chief Makes Ass of Himself During Uranus Presentation

Last week, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration hosted a symposium to discuss upcoming planned space missions. Just after lunch, the event was repeatedly interrupted by what one witness termed “juvenile” behavior exhibited by Administrator Jim Bridenstine. According to multiple sources, Bridenstine giggled, made fart noises, and yelled inappropriate comments whenever Dr. Shahid Aslam…

President Trump Settles on New Nickname for Joe Biden

Shortly after the entrance of Joe Biden into the 2020 presidential race, President Trump wasted no time welcoming him into the fray:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1121388967444799488

Noteworthy in the president’s tweet was usage of the nickname “Sleepy”. Although consistent with Trump’s fourth grade vocabulary, advisers worry that it simply doesn’t have the pizzazz of his earlier…

Dog Arrested for Public Urination on School Grounds

Chattanooga police officers rushed to the scene after multiple 911 calls reported a dog urinating on school grounds, the Chattanooga Times Free Press reported on Monday.

“We were in lockdown for over an hour,” said Jacob Johnson, an 11th grader at Chattanooga High School. “It was really scary. We clasped hands and just prayed for a miracle. Praise Jesus, He sent one in the form of the police.”

He…

Trump Maintains He Said ‘I’m Glucked’ in Incendiary Mueller Report Quote

On Saturday, a fiery President Trump spoke at a rally in Birmingham, Alabama, basking in the glow of a cheering crowd. “No collusion, no obstruction!” Trump bellowed as the audience roared their approval. “The crazy Mueller report was a witch hunt, folks. An illegal witch hunt started by Hillary Clinton, Jeff Sessions, Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rosie O’Donnell.” Eliciting a chorus of boos,…

Exoplanets: A Quadrillion Points of Light

If the authors of an article published in the Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society turn out to be correct, George H.W. Bush’s signature “thousand points of light” slogan from 1989 was only about nine zeroes off the mark. Except it’s not stars we’re talking about — it’s exoplanets.

The solar system

Until the 17th century, the solar system consisted of six planets, the moon and the…

Trump Administration to Redact Over 99% of ‘Duller Report’

In a move certain to enrage Democrats, the Justice Department will redact more than 99% of Robert Mueller’s Trump-Russia report, according to multiple sources.

“The president calls it the ‘Duller Report’,” said Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway on Meet the Press. “We’ve got copies in every bathroom, in the lunch room, piled up by the water cooler, you name it. Despite that, nobody’s…

I’m the Only Man in America Who Predicted the Mariners Would Be Good

We all make predictions that don’t come true.

You stick your head out the window, note the cloud cover, and loudly announce it’s going to rain. A couple of hours later, the sun burns through, and voilà — it’s a sunny day.

You’re not alone. Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan erroneously postulated in 2009 that interest rates would soon soar to double-digit levels. 16th century astrologer…

5 Good Reasons to Absolutely Hate the Pillsbury Doughboy

The kindest thing that can be said about the Pillsbury Doughboy is that he’s shown remarkable staying power. Created by the Leo Burnett Worldwide advertising agency in 1965, he remains virtually unchanged up to this day. In fact, the only major difference is his evolution from uttering post-poke giggles to a mocking hoo-hoo laced with contempt. Don’t let the fixed grin fool you: there’s black…

U.S. Geological Survey Terminates Search for Fiscal Cliff

In the wake of the federal budget battle of 2012, the U.S. Geological Survey commissioned an extensive search for the so-called “fiscal cliff”. After a six-year, $10 million effort, the agency formally ended the quest, officially acknowledging it found no evidence of the existence of the geological formation.

The fiscal cliff isn’t real

 “No way that damn thing exists,” asserted lead geologist…

The Lucky Rock’s Exclusive Interview with Senator Bernie Sanders

Accompanying Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders on his nursing home rally tour, The Lucky Rock sat down with the Democratic Socialist to talk about a wide range of issues. Topics covered included his 2020 campaign strategy, his fitness for office, fellow presidential candidates, and income inequality. Noteworthy during the exclusive one-on-one conversation was the fact that Sanders remained awake for…

Trump Proposes Technology Panel of Tim Apple, Bill Microsoft and Mark Facebook

President Trump took to the Rose Garden Thursday and announced his plan to combat foreign intervention in American elections. Addressing a coterie of reporters, he proposed assembling a blue ribbon panel of technology leaders, to be chaired by Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross.

“We’re going to ask Tim Apple, Bill Microsoft and Mark Facebook to join the panel,” said Trump. “These are great, great…

Interest Rates and the Economy: Real Yields Have Curves

Can the yield curve predict the future of the economy?

The short answer to the title question is yes. The long answer ends with a resounding maybe. If economics were simple, Ben Stein wouldn’t be a nerd’s paragon of mathematical virtue, a former game show host and this guy:

The yield curve is a representation of interest rates of…

Seattle’s New NHL Team to Be Named ‘Sneeze’

When Seattle’s new NHL team hits the ice in 2021, it will have perhaps the most unusual name in professional sports. In lieu of rumored favoriteslike Totems, Emeralds, Rainiers, Sockeys, or Kraken, the franchise will go an entirely different direction. “We’re picking a name that we feel represents the region — warts and all,” team president Tod Leiweke said. “The rain, the spring allergies, the…

Bernie Sanders Enters Presidential Race, Mulls Betty White as VP

On Tuesday, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders announced he was entering the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. A day later, Sanders revealed his campaign strategy, one that will take a sharp turn from his failed 2016 approach. Instead of concentrating on college students and penniless left-wing activists, Sanders will target a new demographic: the elderly.

Young people don’t vote

Taco Bell Closes 16 Locations; Trump Declares National Emergency

Upon learning that Taco Bell had recently closed sixteen locations in four states, President Trump acted swiftly and declared his second national emergency in three days. Shortly thereafter, he president disclosed that thousands of troops were already engaged in battle in Texas, Missouri, Oklahoma and Kansas in order to quell civil unrest.

The new national emergency

“It’s a disgrace,” said Trump…

‘The Shawshank Redemption’ to Reboot as Late-Night Religious Program

Good news: instead of saving Andy Dufresne, Red Redding will come to late night television to save your soul.

In an interview with U.S. Catholic, director Frank Durabont confirmed that The Shawshank Redemption will be rebooted as a late-night religious television show. “After a quarter century, it’s about time we did something new with the franchise,” he said. “Initially, we thought about doing a…