FYEAHSOUTHPARKFICS

Who are you? -STENNY-

By Jm

 Rating- M

Pairings- Kyman, Style, Stenny, Kenny/Liane, onesided-Buttman

When Eric Cartman got fired and lost his house due to having no money, after 5 years he moves back to South Park and lives with his mom. He hopes to get a job and his own place fast, but it won’t be easy.

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I parked mah car in front of the club and sat there thinking about Kahl. Damn. He looked the same but…he wasn’t bad looking at all. Well, he’s still a big nosed Jew, but he’s not a bad looking Jew….goddamnit. I don’t have time to think about that asswhole. I got out  of the car looking around. The sky was a dark grayish color and the air smelled like it was about to snow. Ah, I still remember that smell. I locked mah car and walked to the front doors. 

Entering this huge ass place had me in awe. It was freaking awesome and did I mention huge? I kinda wanted to come at night so I could see how it looked but whatever. I walked over to the bar table and sat down on the stool. I leaned back on the table and skimmed through the place one last time before- “ERIC?! IS THAT YOU BUDDY?”

Butters.

The fucker startled me and I didn’t even get a chance to yell at him before he came over and gave me a gripping hug. “Aw Eric! I missed ya so much! I’ahm so glad you’re here!” He squeezed tighter and I really could not breath. And he’s fucking smaller then I am, what the hell? “B-butters! You’re gonna kill me! Butters!” He leaned back and let  me go as I tried to regain my breath from his death hug. The little bastered smiles brightly as I glare at him. “Damnit Butters…” “Sorry bout that Eric, I just was so excited when Kenny told me you were gonna work here with us!” I quirked a brow. “You work here too?” Butters nodded as he went behind the bar table. “Yeppers! I’ahm the Bar Tender! Aint it great?!” I sighed. “How the hell did Kenny hire you as a bar tender, but wants me to dress up as a girl and sing to these fucking men…” “Well sorry if I thought you looked fucking sexy as a women.” I turned around and the one and only Kenny Mccormick as finally came. He was leaning on the wall, arms crossed around his chest and looked at me with a shit eating smirk. “And you got the ass for it, so you’re perfect for the job. Not to mention your singing skills are amazing.” I stood up hands on hips. “And how do you know I can still sing?” I know that I can sing mah ass off, but I just wanted to know why he would choose me of all people to do such a job. Kenny smoothly walked towards me. “I know you Eric. Once you gain a skill, you never loose it. But, if you’re not sure if I’ll be happy with your singing, why don’t we hold a practice session right now.” I rolled my eyes as I hear Butters in the back clapping his hands. “Oh yeah! I’d love to hear ya sing Eric!” I bit my lip. “Well…,” I looked at the stage for a minute, then back at Kenny. “I guess…but I don’t know what to sing-,” He suddenly took a piece of paper out from his pocket and held it in front of me. “Here, this will be your first song that you’ll be singing, so you might as well practice now.” I took it and unfolded it. 

The song was ‘Take Me or Leave Me.’ 

Ah, it’s from that gay ass play called Rent…well then….I know this by heart. I dropped the paper on the floor and walked over to the stage. Butters quickly gets a seat while Kenny stands were he was facing me. I stand in the middle of the stage and look around. There’s a lot of seats below me so everyone in the bar would get to see mah awesome performance.  I clear my throat as I begin as the music started to play….

*Every single day,  I walk down the street I hear people say “Baby” so sweet!  Ever since puberty Everybody stares at me,  Boys, girls I can’t help it, baby. So be kind, and don’t lose your mind Just remember, that I’m your baby Take me for what I am!  Who I was meant to be!  And if you give a damn,  Take me baby, Or leave me!  Take me baby or leave me! 

A tiger in a cage Can never see the sun. This diva needs her stage, baby,  Let’s have fun!  You are the one I choose,  Folks would kill to fill your shoes!  You love the limelight too now, baby!  So be mine, and don’t waste my time Cryin’, “Oh honey bear are you still my, my, my baby?” Don’t you dare! *

I point out to the empty seats and Butters whistles and claps his hands.

*Take me for what I am!  Who I was meant to be!  And, if you give a damn,  Take me baby, or leave me!  No way, can I be what I’m not!  But hey, don’t you want your girl hot? Don’t fight, don’t loose your head,  ‘Cause every night who’s in your bed? Who? Who’s in your bed-*

The music stops and Kenny claps his hands grinning like a fool. But as I looked past him, jade green eyes were met with mine. What the fuck…

Kyle stood there clapping his hand slowly and looked away. Next to him was Stan.

Kenny walks over to me and places his hand on my shoulder. “Damn dude, you were fucking amazing! Yeah, you’re defiantly going to do this without a doubt!” I look over at Kahl who wont look back at me and return back to Kenny. “Why the fuck are they here? I thought this was an orientation not a fucking gathering of asswholes!” I heard Kyle huff and Stan chuckles. “Dude, we’re here because Kenny said to come early to meet our new employee.” My eyes grew wide as I looked at Kenny again. “These asswholes work here too?!” Kenny nodded. “Except for Kyle, he’s a student teacher. The jerk didn’t want to help out and work with his friends.” Kahl huffed again. “Well sorry, but I don’t want to go to a place were the music that isn’t good and has to deal with a bunch of drunk retards. No thanks.” I rolled mah eyes. “You’re such a stuck up Jew.” Everyone laughed as Kyle flipped me off. “Well at least I’m not dressing up as a fucking girl, fatass!” “Fuck you Kahl! That’s better then dealing with whinny little brats everyday, you fucking nerd!” Kyle rose an eyebrow. “But, you should be used to that since you have a kid…” The room suddenly became quiet…

“You have a…a kid?” I sighed. I took out mah cell and brought up a picture of her and everyone passed it around. “Aww she’s so cute!” “I forgot that you had a kid dude,” Stan said as he looked at the picture, “How’s Kristen?” Before I could say anything, the Jew interrups  “She’s not in the picture anymore.” I looked over at Kahl. Sersly? I couldn’t say that? “Jew, he asked me!” Kyle rolled his eyes and I looked at Stan. “Yeah, she fucking left not long after moving to Cali…but fuck her though, I don’t need her and I didn’t need her those 5 years.” The room got quiet again. I spotted Kyle looking at me with concern with those big green orbs…those eyes dude…”Well anyway, lets go somewhere since the orientation is done and over with.” I shook mah head. “That’s it? No tour or nothing?You just wanted to go and hang out? The fuck!? I could of still been asleep and-,” “So, you guys wanna go and get some breakfast?” Everyone agrees, except for me who is pissed that I came here for nothing… 

Everyone walks out the building and waits for Kenny to finish locking up the place. I stood there, hands in mah pocket as a chill went through mah body from the cold air. I look over to see Kahl starring at me, but quickly looks away. What a weirdo. Stan and Kyle go to this red car while Kenny and Butters go to this white mustang with red rims on the sides. That didn’t look cool at all…no I’m not hating either…shit…

“Eh,I don’t have any money asswhole,” I yell at Kenny who was about to go inside his car. He smirks at me waving his hand. “Don’t worry, I’ll pay….poorboy.” He chuckles and enters his car. I bit mah lip and grumble to mah self entering mah own car thinking….Fuck…I guess I am the poor boy…

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Aw man…that was really long…

Welcome Home Eric Cartman- Chapter 1

Welcome Home Eric Cartman

By Jm

 Rating- M

Pairings- Kyman, Style, Stenny, Kenny/Liane, onesided-Buttman

When Eric Cartman got fired and lost his house due to having no money, after 5 years he moves back to South Park and lives with his mom. He hopes to get a job and his own place fast, but it won’t be easy.

(I’ll change this summary later!)

Please enjoy 

All the South Park Characters belongs to Matt and Trey

Chapter 1- 

Moving out of South Park was the best decision I ever made.  I was sick of the cold air and the zero degrees snow on the ground that covered the grass. I wanted to go where I wasn’t acknowledged as the fat ass who fucked everyone over just because I get what I want. Well, maybe that’s true, but it’s their fault for pissing me off everyday. Especially that fucking Jew….

Anyway, I moved when I got out of high school and right away packed my shit, and left. I didn’t go alone though.  My girlfriend, well fiancée, tagged along and about 1 year while living there I proposed to her hoping we could finally tie the knot for real.…well, as I was on one knee holding out the ring in the black box, she looked at me with a weak smile and said…

“I think we should….Break up.”

After that night she said she packed her things and left. I was so fucking pissed at her, I didn’t even

Want to see her leave so I went in my room, and went to sleep.

And so after 5 years of living there, I’m back in my fucking car, driving back to South Park to live with my mehm,  since I really can’t afford to stay there since I got fired for beating up some fucktard for calling me a fat bastered. I’m not fat, I’m fucking big boned, mother fucker. 

I sighed as I stopped at the red light. Only 20 more minutes until I go back to my hometown and-

“Daddy, when are we going to be at Grandma’s house?”

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I have a daughter who’s 5 years old and the most prettiest thing alive.

My ex was pregnant in the middle of our senior year. We were going to give Maci away, but after deciding we were going to start living together, we kept her.

I grabbed my cup of coffee waiting for this damn light to turn green.  “We’ll be at Grandma’s in a little bit Peanut.” She nodded as she started to play with her toys again.  I sighed tapping my finger on the steering wheel looking out my window. The sky was grey and looked as if it would snow any moment. My tan that I got from living there will be gone by tomorrow since the sun barley shows here. I then thought about how everyone would look since the last time I saw them.

My thoughts were interrupted by some asswhole beeping me.  I flipped him off as he passed me, and drove.

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We finally got to my mehms house. I got out and helped Maci out of her car seat. “I don’t want to sit in

This seat anymore, daddy,” she pouted as I lifted her out of the car. “Sorry, but you’re still a little peanut, so you’re going to have to live with it.” She pouted again, looked down and whispered. “That’s b-bull crap.” I shook my head. “No, it’s the law.”

“Oh sweetie!! I’m so glad you’re back!!” Mehm hugged the shit out of me as soon as she

opened the door. She then looked down. “Oh my goodness is that…” Maci grabbed onto my leg peeking out her head, looking at her grandmother for the first time. “Yes, this is Maci. Say hello to your Grandma.” Maci looks up at me, then lets go of my leg and walks to Mehm. Mehm bent down smiling brightly. “Hello sweetie! It’s so nice to finally meet you!” Maci was silent. She didn’t move at all as Mehm stayed bent down waiting for her to respond. After 5 minutes of silence, Maci hugged her tightly almost knocking mehm down.

I unpacked my clothes in my old room and sat down on my old bed. My room looked the same and nothing was touched except it was clean and neither dust nor webs were seen. I guess Mehm knew I was going to come back home some day. Maci walked in looking around and then jumped onto the bed beside me. “This is my old room Mace.” Maci nodded, and yawn. It was time for her nap so I helped her put her pink pony gown on, and laid her down. She snuggled in the covers sighing lightly as she drifted off to wonderland. I smiled leaning down and kissed her forehead before closing the bedroom door.

I was hit with the smell of Mehms favorite tea as I entered the kitchen. Mehm looked up smiling brightly as she signaled me to sit down with her. “So, how was it over there? “ I shrugged sipping some tea. “It was okay I guess. That stupid hoe Kristin broke up with me not even a year and left me alone with taking care of Maci,” Sip, “But it wasn’t so bad. Well until I got fired a few mouths ago for beating up some prick.” Mehm nodded holding onto her mug tightly as she listened to me.  After I was done, she looked down. “I’m so sorry Eric. I wish I could have helped in some way.”  Shaking my head I placed my cup on the table. “I moved to be independent and yeah, it was tough, but everything worked out for the best for me…and for Maci. So, don’t make it seem as if it’s your responsibility, mehm. And you are helping out with letting me and Maci stay here, for a while.” She lifted her head up quickly. “For a while?” I nodded. “Yeah. I’m going to find another house for us as soon as I get the money. Why?” Mehm pouted looking down at her cup. “Oh….” “What’s wrong?” She looked up at me, eyes drooping like a lost puppy. “I thought you were going to stay.” My eyebrow rose. “No mehm, I can’t live here. I don’t want people thinking I’m homeless and that I’m some loser who sleeps in his mother’s basement…I’ll stay until I get enough money.” Mehm looked down, her eyes big and sad. I rolled my eyes. “Don’t worry; I’ll stay in South Park since I don’t think I’ll have enough money to take a plane.” Mehm looked up with a smile. “Oh that’s great hu-,” The phone started to ring suddenly. Mehm turned to fetch the phone. She put it up to her ear. I sat back finishing the last of my tea as mehm spoke.

“Hello?…Oh hello…yes I am aware of that…yes….okay…,” Mehm looked over at me and smiled, then turned back to the phone, “I will ask if it’s okay, then I’ll call you back…yes…oh good! Thank you for your help. Okay goodbye.” I eyed her questionably when she placed both of her hands onto mine. “Sweetie, I have a question to ask you.” I nodded waiting for the question. Mehm looked down, still smiling. “What?”

“Mommy might have found you a job…”

“Oh really? What kind of job, Mehm…

 …

“No, no NOOO!”

“Oh come on Eric! It’s an easy job and you’d be perfect for it!”

I quickly turn to the crazy lady I call mehm. “Mehm! I’m not doing it! I’m not dressing up in drag, singing to a bunch of old men who jack off to little boys!!” Mehm smiled weakly. “Eric, it’s an all Adult club and the men are all there because they are gay, not for little boys, sweetie…” I stare at her like she has three heads. Is she for real?!

I mean, yes, I did enjoy wearing woman’s clothing when I was young….but that was a faze and nothing more!

Mehm said I had the perfect face and body for it and would knock the house down with my beauty. I cringed. Being told by my Mehm that I’d make a beautiful girl is weird and down right creepy.

Though this request is mighty horrible and would make me insane if I said yes, it’s a job and that’s the first thing on my list I need in order to get a house…

That being said…

“H…how much does…does it pay?”

She looked up for a second, “About 400 bucks a week.”

Hm…Not bad…

I fidget with my hair and bit the side of my lip. “And…what exactly would I be doing…I mean if I accept…”

Mehm sat down placing her hands on her lap. “Well, you’d be the entertainment part of the club…” I looked down at her with a frown, “By entertainment, you don’t mean-,” “Oh no, no, of course not,” She waved her hand and shook her head, “I’d never want my little pupsikins to do such a thing! No, dear you’d be the one singing on stage…,” “In drag,” I finished. She smiled nodding, “Yes, exactly dear. Every night at 9:30 you’d be there singing songs which Kenny McCormick-,” WHOA, WHOA WHOA, FREEZE!

“Kenny…WHO?!”

“Kenny McCormick, you know, your little friend from school? Yes, he owns a two clubs. One for Gays and another for Straight people.”

I smirked at this. Poor boy actually did something with his life, and he probably has more money then Token!

“He says he’d love for you to work there since he missed his friend a whole lot!” I tugged at my hair and bit my lip again (some weird habit I started to do) thinking.

Well, singing isn’t anything I can’t do. I’m the best singer ever and it would be kewl to share my special gift to those faggots…wait a second, I forgot!

“What about Maci? I can’t tell her daddy works at a Gay bar and dresses up like girls!” Mehm giggled. “Oh don’t worry; you don’t have to say anything. I’ll watch her since I get home early and will be here when you have to go to work.”

I nodded. Well…I looked to the ground…I guess there’s nothing else I can do…and it pays good money…

“Okay,” I say as I look up, “I’ll do it.”

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(Third Person)

Eric got up early in the morning so he could go to his new job.He wasn’t going to work today but Kenny called Liane and told her to tell Eric to come that morning for an orientation since Kenny was busy in the afternoon. Eric jumped in the shower and felt the warm water hitting his skin, making him wake up a little and it felt good since his room was kind of cold. He washed for some time and then got dressed wearing a black turtleneck and brown pants. Walking in his room, he stopped and looked at Maci who was still fast asleep. She snuggled into the pillow trying to get some warmth. He smiled to him self as he tucked her in the covers and kissed her forehead. She slowly opened her eyes and big blue orbs looked up at him. “Daddy?” Eric sat next to her on the side of the bed. “I need to go out for a bit, but grandma his downstairs, okay?” Maci yawned slightly as she nodded. “Okay daddy…..daddy?” Eric stood up. “Yes?” “…will we go back to Calafor-Calafoma again?” Eric snickered as she said the name wrong and shook his head. “I don’t think so, peanut. We’re going to stay here in South Park since Daddy can’t afford to live out there for now. I’m going to get a job so maybe we can get our own house and you’ll have your own room again,” He explained as he looked around his room. She looked around the room as well wondering what her father was looking for. He shook his head and shuffled her golden brown hair. “Okay, well, I’ll be going now. Make sure you listen to her and be respectful, understand?” She nodded again as she laid back down. He bent down to kiss her forehead and went to the door.

Eric started his car and was about to pull out until he spotted someone walking up the sidewalk. The person was tall and lanky and bright red, curly hair was shown underneath his winter hat….Eric gasped. He quickly turned his car off and got out the car. He could see the man bobbing his head as he looked at his iPod  probably finding a good song to listen too. Eric squinted his eyes and saw the mans noes was huge and curved like some bitch he used to know when he was younger…that stupid jew bitch…

Eric smirked as he waited for the redhead to walk past his house. Kyle didn’t look up once while he still played with his iPod. Eric snorted as he walked in the middle of the side walk and stood in front of Kyle almost scaring the poor thing. Kyle had to get his balance as he almost tripped from being frighten and looked at the man with confusion until he noticed who it was. 

“Holy shit….Car-Cartman?” Eric smirked as he crossed his arms around his chest. “Well well well, if it isn’t the ginger-faced Jew rat. Long time no see, eh?” Ignoring that comment due to being in shock, Kyle blinked trying to see if his eyes were playing tricks on him and took out his ear buds. “Dude…like…why are you here?” Eric frowned. “Why should I tell you, Jew-face?” Kyle frown as well when Eric used that old nickname on him again. “…You’re still a racist asswhole, I see.” Eric closed his eyes as he shook his head. “Well you are Jewish, so I’m not being totally racist..” Kyle rolled his eyes about to comment until a little girl came out of Cartmans home. “Daddy, daddy! Grandma made you breakfast and-and told me to tell you to ea-” She stopped as she looked at the redhead. Cartman looked over at Kyle. Kyles face was frozen with  while he looked at Maci, then back at Cartman. “D-daddy?” He questioned. Eric chuckled as he took the plate rapped him tin foil. “Peanut, this is mah old school mate, Kahl Broflovski. Kahl, this is mah Daughter, Maci.” Kyle smiled slightly to her. “Hey there…” Maci nodded as she looked at her dad. “Grandma said eat up or you’ll be hungry, daddy.” She then ran back inside. Kyle stood there just starring at Cartman. Cartman who leaned back on his car. “Yeah, she’s just too cute, aint she?” Kyle looked away . “Ye-yeah, she’s cool…dude like…this is totally weird ..” He looked back at Cartman smiling, “I can’t picture you as a dad…at all!” Eric rolled his eyes still holding onto the plate. “Pff, I’m the best fucking dad in the world.” Kyle rolled his eyes to. “Where’s Kristen?” Eric sighed and glared at the floor. “That hoe fucked me over not even a week living out in California..I’ve been raising Maci on mah own and I have done a pretty damn well job if I say so mah self.” Kyle scratched the back of his head. “Wow…that’s crazy…so like…are you visiting or…are you back for real?” Cartman looked at his watch and walked around his car. “Yeah I’m back and I need to go so..” He paused as he smiled at the Kyle. “Call me sometime…and lets catch up, Kahl.” Eric quickly got into his car and started it. Kyle blinked and looked at Cartman through the cars window. Eric pulled the window down as he lifted a piece a paper up through the window. “Here’s mah number.” Kyle hesitated before taking the piece of paper and Eric zoomed off. Kyle stood there, the wind slightly blowing his hat and hair that stuck out beneath his hat. He looked down at the paper. “What the fuck….” He shook his head and stuffed the paper in his jacket before proceeding down the sidewalk to his house.

Okay, so that’s all chapter 1. I’ll try to update chap 2 soon~

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