the first two years of high school were cool. i wasnāt having the experience i really wanted to have - as i wasnāt the social butterfly like most others- but i was content. i didnāt go home drained. i was okay during the day. i didnāt deal with the things i face now.
i stopped taking my adhd medicine last year, when my campus was all virtual for school. i told myself that i wanted a change, that i was willing to leave those behaviour-altering pills behind me. i wanted my own personality, and not the one the drugs gave me. i wanted to experience this last year of high school by being myself.
that was easily the worst decision i could have made.
these last few months have been hell for me. iām standing right on top of my breaking point, and the usual thoughts of suicide are coming back to me - as expected. iām backsliding, i feel, and iām much worse that i thought i would be. not because of my medicine or me quitting my routine taking it - but because of who i am. i havenāt seen my true self long enough to know what the good parts or the bad parts of me are. itās difficult for me to figure out how to dampen my impulses and socialize the right way. iāve figured my only option to fix me would be to stay alone, secluded, antisocial - and eventually more depressed. itās hard to grasp.
my worst fear is being lonely.
so you could tell why itās so hard to commit to that option.
iāve always been one to look at myself and observe how i look around other people. how i look in the eyes of those people, and what i am like from the perspective of others. itās all usually negative. and i believe that the way i see myself is the way others see me. the way you feel about yourself is the first hint to those things. i canāt shake those ideas, no matter who says what to me. and itās overbearing, to the point where it strips me of my personality and iām so pressured by my own self that i go into dormancy and seclusion.
i just wish i could stay there. thatās the hard part.
i apologize for how selfish this sounds, but i donāt think anyone wants me. and i think iām well within reason to think such. maybe itās because of how i see me; and how that appearance resembles my reality. maybe iām just blowing things up (but i doubt it). i -
class is ending. iāll finish this later on.
iāve been having experiences where i wake up and my stomach is in pain immediately. the anxiety pain - the type of pain that you feel when youāre in trouble and you know it. the pain that you feel when you regret, heavily. and itās been constant - every single day since friday, september 24. i really feel like the details of what started that day are important - but i donāt want to go over them again, with anyone, for any reason. my stomach is already hurting right now, and if it gets worse iāll cut myself. anywho, things went downhill with some friends and family. my discussions with these people have led me to believe all the things that i said about myself a few sentences up from here. they told me who i really was, what i really act like, and all of the bad things about me. all of the problems, all of my bad traits, everything. it took only two people to tell me, and the doubt that i have of one to make me realize how fucked up i really am.
iām gutted. i feel so terrible about myself and so terrible about all of the things iāve done to the people i love. iāve lost people who donāt even understand that the interest they show in me or even the fact that they care to remember my name or look my direction has literally saved my life on many occasions. people who donāt know i live for them. that i live to see them happy. it hurts especially bad when youāre the reason why they arenāt.
here come the suicidal thoughts. the thoughts that i donāt need to be around any longer. the thoughts that my existence is a curse to anyone in my vicinity. i think about the emotional threat i pose to anyone that talks to me. the burden i am to the people that even have a reason to think of me, at that. i know it sounds clichĆ© - but iām unneeded. i know i am. i only do damage to people. i harm the ones who love me, and donāt even realize it until iāve picked at them enough that they let me know that theyāre done with my bullshit, while walking out the door. i donāt need to be around anything, anyone, or any longer. i suck the emotion, life, and soul out of anybody in my path, and donāt even realize. iām so caught up in life that km thinking that iām at least decent. but i didnāt know how bad i was this entire time. i have no integrity left. i let my impulses get the best of me, and i lack clarity before decision making. i regret everything i do. iām indecisive, and the choices that i do eventually make are always the worst choices. i am always wrong. iām way too sensitive. iāve passed the stage of my life where i was supposed to grow out of my sensitivity and into my maturity, and i never did grow. iām too emotional, and iām so dull that i use permanent self-harm as an escape from my temporary situation. i know full well that people are in much worse situations than i am, and i deal with my problems as if iām the most important. i canāt even express emotion privately. i havenāt cried from emotion in years. as sensitive as i am, i canāt even cry - not even when i want to. i canāt make a mature decision to save my life. i lack the traits and morale that i wish for other people to have. iām so arrogant. inconsistent. untimely. pungent. unpleasant, imperfect, irresponsible, unintelligent, traitorous, mean, selfish, sensitive, self-loathing -
i really thought i had it somewhat together. i really thought i had any amount of common sense, morale, ethics, maturity. i lack all of those things entirely; the list is extensive.
i do not wish to be here anymore.
