Somali Rose

It's my 14 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

So yeah, the last 6 months have been quite the journey.

My first born daughter whom I adore more than life itself had that huge scare earlier this year. We’ve been living day to day learning and adjusting to her new disability. Fortunately we live in a land and a society that has the medical resources to sustain her life. So for that I’m grateful. It still sucks she has to experience this though. I wish I could absorb all her pain and make it my own. The maternal instinct of always being her protector has caused me to feel like a failure.

As far as my personal life goes? I don’t have one. For the last few years I self isolated to the point of no return. My dreams, ambitions and goals dissipated right in front of my eyes. I was certain I was going to end my life. As I write this, I’m still not totally content with the idea of living.

This world we live in sucks. Whether it’s on a large scale like, famine, poverty, lack of medical access, or unnecessary wars.. or the society based discrimination such as racism, sexism, ableism, and homophobia.

I never wanted to have kids because I knew shit would just get worse. I’m waaay far past that now with two daughters who look up to me as their guide. When I see the innocence in their eyes I try my best to hide my dismay at how ugly things are around us. I do my best but sometimes it feels like my best isn’t ever enough and I’m constantly playing catch up.

I’m no longer battling an existential crisis that is mine alone, I’m carrying the weight of my daughters’ anxieties, and my inabilities to protect them.

Traumatizing, eye opening, depressing, and genuinely terrifying.

A few months ago my 11 year old daughter nearly died after contracting COVID & pneumonia simultaneously. Her body shut down and in that moment it felt like the world paused just for us.

All of the stuff I was busy obsessing and worried over the months prior seemed so minuscule now. My kids mean the world to me. I mean, they are the sole reason I’m alive today. I mean that truly.

I have suffered so much loss over the last 5 years that the idea of losing my daughter paralyzed me. I’ve been there for so many people, but in that moment I realized I was so deeply alone and frightened. It’s too soon.. even now I’m still unable to type most of my thoughts out.

I just wanted to come on here and say - please love on your loved ones, because nothing is guaranteed.

Being a coward is easy you know? Yet, I’m genuinely not sure if cowardice is the right term to describe how I’m feeling. However, it is how I speak to myself when weighing my options. When I think about it, I haven’t even tried to change the circumstances that amplify these emotions. I have insight from previous depressive episodes. I understand there is a process that would help alleviate some of these thoughts.. symptoms .. or whatever they are. I also understand that the “process” is easier said than done. Especially when you consider how shitty our health care is in America and slipping through the cracks is the norm, and not the exception.

Ive tried everything it seems like. Talking to someone won’t help me… and yeah I know, I know. It’s likely the depression talking, but who knows anymore? This is the longest episode I’ve ever had in my life, at this point - depression is a part of me. So is it the depression or is this just a part of who I am now?

The sudden realization that I’m the problem and maybe I’ve always been. I’m torn between what I want to do vs what I should do and what is morally and ethically correct. I want to see my daughters grow up and to help facilitate that. I push and strive to find strength daily solely because of them. Some days are harder than others and on these days, I find it easier to give in to these ideations.

I don’t recognize myself anymore. I go through the motions to get through the day. It’s definitely always just been me. I use to look back and admire my younger self so deeply and wish to pull strength from who I was.. but that’s not me anymore. I don’t know who this new person is but I’ll say I’m a shell of who I used to be. Unrecognizable.

I no longer question my fate or destiny as I am often rerouted abruptly without warning.

I used to be SO angry about the constant obstacles that appeared during my most vulnerable times.

What isn't?

I have so much shit to say but no words to quite fully express the emotions behind it. I do feel like writing it down will help. I keep doing this thing where I try to avoid feeling any emotion and I'm usually good at it. But lately? not so much.

I used to act real tough and hard about how I'd never get this way over anyone, but things change as you actually experience them. I guess I'll start by saying that the shame and guilt I have from being exactly the person I told myself I'd never become has overtaken me. When I'd see my mom react in certain ways, I promised myself that if I ever became a parent - I'd never be like her. Yet here I am. Allowing my own feelings consume me to a point where I feel boxed in.

I used to want to grab my mom's shoulders and shake her vigorously and scream "THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO THE WORLD THEN WHAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU", but my internal screams were muffled by the anxiety of actually causing her more emotional pain then what she was already self-inflicting on herself.

I guess my sense of justice is warped. I hate feeling like people owe me something just because I took it upon myself to put them before my own wants, needs, and goals. How can I be mad at others for choosing theirselves? I mean isn't that the normal human thing to do? I often wonder if I am indeed surrounded by extremely selfish people, or if my sense of selflessness is too much. Either way I'm taking a step back from it all.

A valuable lesson I've taken from this is that, I am only responsible for the actions of myself, and I cannot control how others react.

Beyond this, I realized I need to get back in therapy. I can't pretend for much longer that my life isn't hanging on by a thread, with depression rearing its ugly head around the corner at every moment of despair. I am mostly doing this "living thing" for my daughters. They deserve a healthy and happy mother. Something I yearned for. Family means and meant so much to me, so the lack of holiday celebration has cut deep. The lack of celebrating my birthday hurt me.

I guess when the time is right, I will try to begin my own traditions with my two daughters.

What happened this weekend changed me. I don't think I'll ever be myself again. My body tells one story, and the way my mental is forever fractured is heartbreaking. Tears well in my eyes as I type this.

In due time I will heal from this, it's the only chance I have in creating a better future for my daughters and I. It's either fight like hell to keep pushing or let these lowly thoughts consume me. I know I'm capable of so much more. I want to live to see my daughters grow up. I want to carry this hope so that one day I'll want to live for myself as well.