ad astra per aspera

Today on my drive home Lovedrug came up on shuffle. Everything Starts Where it Ends. It was probably the combination of lack of sleep, exhaustion, and the usual bouts of depression, but I ended up in tears driving with this song playing.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. This month is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month.

Six years ago I tried to end my life. Six years seems like a lifetime ago and just like yesterday all at the same time. It still feels like I’m recovering. Those same thoughts and feelings that drove me to do so still eat at me everyday, but each day is a new and different day. Each new day presents a chance to crush all of those scary thoughts and GET THROUGH IT.

My heart is heavy. My heart is heavy with the memories of you and who you used to be. People change and they change their minds. I know people change. That doesn’t make how it was handled okay. I could be mad. I should be mad. I deserve to be mad. But I can’t have the energy to be mad over someone who couldn’t let me into their thoughts and feelings and what led them to cut me out suddenly with no warning. No conversation. Silence.

You made me feel like I was alone in this. Like it doesn’t take two people to decide to spend their time together. I thought we were happy. I know I was happy, and I hoped I made you happy. I thought I did, or at least that’s how you made it seem. I’ll never deny that I was happy. How my heart skipped a beat after every time I’d get that “Goodmorning babe” text, after every time you’d grab my hand, after every time you made me smile and after every time I could make you do the same, after every time you told me you missed me, after every time I got to learn something new about you. And I’m grateful for that. I appreciate that I got to experience that with you.

I could be mad. I’m more patient and understanding than you’ll ever deserve. I keep wanting to say “it’s okay,” but it’s not okay. I guess I’ll just say that I’ll accept it. To not and to be mad won’t do anyone any good. So thank you for the time we spent together. The sweet and intimate moments we shared. I still see you now, but it’s not the same. It’s nowhere near the same. Who I used to know you as doesn’t exist anymore. Just in my memories. A ghost. I hope maybe one day you can be that person again to someone else and actually mean it.