I say a lot of things that dont make sense

repressed memories are so fucking hard to deal with. i mean obviously but fuck. sometimes everything hits me, just one horrible thing after another. like when i remember one bad thing my brain has to remember all the other bad stuff it can. like i have an apple orchard and all the apples fall off so i have to pick up rotting fruit after another, inspecting how disgusting it is, mourning what could’ve been a delicious treat is now dead and it has bugs. so i throw it in my basket and do the same thing. hating myself and apples and trees the more i have to do this. the more i have to look and mourn and regret and be disgusted.

i spend a lot of my time watching cartoons to try and not think about how sad i am. some things don’t change.

it’s like i have this thing inside me that makes me make horrible decisions and hate myself. like i have a parasite that just makes my want to kill myself and ruin my life over and over. or maybe it’s just me idk

if anyone knows how to cope with the fear that comes with living everyday in this hell i’d loooove some tips!!