6)#(2+8
I’ve been thinking about becoming an inpatient at a clinic recently.
this past month, these past months, have been harder for me. I’ve stopped eating three meals a day, i barely have the energy to get up, i feel sick a lot, etc etc.. i just want to get better. im sick of these fucking illnesses, and i have been for a very long time. my ma and i had a very long talk in the car yesterday evening about my mental health. there was crying, yelling, disagreements, anxiety, the whole shebang. but at the end, i realized i truly do love my mom. I’ve always been the one to talk shit about my mom, even my friends, family, and my fucking Therapist has, but i don’t want to be like that anymore. my mood has been spiraling downwards recently, and fast. in october my test results were a 15/27, a sorta high result, but not that bad for having MDD. I just had my last check-up yesterday, and the results were even worse. a whole 26/27. i haven’t been that fidgety for a little while, so it would be higher in a different period. my doctor said that this was concerning to see from a 13 year old, who had just been at a 15. then i told her about how my days were a solid 6/10 at best, and that i feel like a burden a whole lot of the time. she upped my dosage on lexapro, but i don’t think it’ll work. im already on 10mg, and im moving up to 15mg soon, but ive been here before. it all goes downhill when i up my dosage or get a new antidepressant. also, the main reason i want to go inpatient is because i want to explore my options.
ive had mdd for almost 2 years now. it went undiagnosed for about 2-3 years before that. ive gone to therapy, been on and off lexapro (our family has a history with addiction, we just want to be safe), and been through many discussions based off my mental health to know that this isn’t what i want to be doing. i want to try and get more help.
now, you might say that i sound like I’m doing okay right now as I’m just typing this, but ive been portraying faux emotional behaviors from the get-go. i try every day to tell people that im fine or that im doing better but in the end, im still the same sad sack of a human. i get proud of myself every now and again, and i do experience joy and happiness, but when it’s taken away i just don’t know how to cope. i lock myself away after hanging out with friends, and i find social interactions to be draining at times.
as i said before, i just want help. im sick, and i want to be healthy.
it’s been around a week since i posted this, and I’ve been doing suspiciously well. my ma says that this is how I’m supposed to react to my meds, but im a lot more anxious/paranoid recently. I’ve never reacted to my meds this well before, and im paranoid that if i take this high for granted I’ll just crash dramatically again. I’ve reconsidered becoming an inpatient at the moment. I’m doing better, my body actually feels nice for once, im more energetic, etc. etc.. the only thing i don’t like is my utter lack of motivation. I don’t like doing the things i used to, all because i don’t try. This has been an ongoing issue with me for not trying things. I don’t try hard enough, but i do try my best. that’s all that should matter, but i want to be the best of someone better.
tldr; im doing well and im anxious about it.
omg update !
so i had a talk with my therapist today and she said that if i keep getting angry (i have severe violent urges when pissed off) I’ll have to go inpatient anyways and she can’t even diagnose me with an e.d. or anger issues because nothing about me has been seen before in her period of being a therapist omg sexc!
my ma pissed me off today and mocked me as well so that May be sooner than i thought!
these are getting consecutively less serious as i go but 🦀 idc
another update lads and laddies and creachers nd whatnot! i got my dosage upped to 20 fucking milligrams! thats the most ive been on lexapro so far (its been a year). I had a lot more anger issues and anxiety when i was on 15mg, and then i forgot about taking it and i got worse. im doing a bit better! haven’t had strong urges to kill my family this week :-) (that’s not even me joking it was just that fucking bad i see it as an achievement). i also had a “talk” with my parents (more like me bitching about myself and being a selfish cunt el em ay oh. i apologized of course), and i was like. yelling at my mom or sum shit and she just started going all “AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!” literally screaming in my face just “AAAAAAUGH! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!” when i was in the middle of talking. like. she tried intimidating THE MOST PISSED OFF KID IN THE WORLD AT THAT MOMENT! i literally just stared behind her like . 🤖 what is this bitch doing… so i was like “yeah, okay. start yelling at me, then. so helpful!” like. really was about to pop off on her but then i realized . oh shit! they can kick me out! illegally, yes, but they can still do it!!! I ain’t doin that anytime soon bitch! so anyways it ended with us all watching tv after . like always el oh el.
oh em geeeeeee update time i guess.
so HAY. its me. the big fat bitch who was all like “ugh i want to be inpatient life is miserable and i don’t see the point”, but older.
here’s whats happened since my last check in with yall; I’ve started telling my parents i love them a loooooot more (just want them to make sure that if i fuck up!!! they’ll know that they mean the world to me!!!), I’m currently not on lexapro since i think it just wasn’t for me, i still contemplate self harming a lot, still have anger issues idk how to deal with, i haven’t seen my therapist in a month or two, haven’t seen my friends for weeks on end, etc etc. i also stopped caring about myself a lot more and stopped going on walks and eating right. i lock myself in my room for hours some days and other days im working for several hours. im also playing minecraft a lot more???? i feel shame and guilt a lot. l don’t think that I know myself as much as i thought i did, which is confusing…
anyways. have a good night/day guys. currently on season 12 of supernatural and im sad to say bye to it. as well as **** ***** and *** :-/.
drink water when you’re thirsty!
hai its been like a week or so? a month maybe? I’ve lost track of time.
anyways so im still off of lexapro, haven’t seen any doctor whatsoever in Months (includes my therapist) but I’m too scared to ask, im on season 14 of spn, i miss mp100 already, i got a really bad sun burn and these pictures explain the rest.
kinda went off there.
so yeah. my best friend and i were planning on going on a trip together this weekend and then when i was leaving to go pick her up she was at an ??? amusement park??? for 3 more hours??? but didn’t bother to tell me at all, so then i had to leave her behind and i got really really depressed about it because i am so so lonely and this didn’t help my feelings at all. then!!! i ask her if she still wants to come up because my sister can pick her up!!! and she tells me “oh sorry im sick its ok”. She Was Already At Someone Else’s House!!! and if what happened before hurt me then this made me lose my marbles! like. i felt so fucking. lost. i felt like another pushover. i had a fucking ‘depression attack’ (as i like to put it) that got so bad i just ended up thinking that being dead is better than this!!! because it all got to my head. etc.
OK HI LMAO
compared to all of these im doing so much fucking better yall. i don’t even THINK of trying to hurt myself anymore, im becoming more open with myself and trying to actually be really happy, i no longer feel like a huge loser and a disruption to everyone’s lives etc. im going into my freshman year in a few weeks for highschool, i just got done with school work, clancies is still going strong, im a kirishima stan (AS I SHOULD BE!), ive made a lot of friends, my last anxiety attack was like a month ago (thats a good thing), i don’t feel sad anymore, my art style is actually good for once etc etc I AM DOING JUST FINE!!! I am doing great actually! not even compared to my last reposts on this thread. im just actually doing OK!
however, a few problems! stress! lots of stress about school (its been mostly alleviated since i finished school but im going to a completely different town for school this year so ! what do u expect). eyesight! im getting my eyes re-examined again on monday but Bruh it deadass Hurts To See.. like open my eyes and im like Owie. i think i have adhd or sumn! based on my moms logic it would be more than likely that i do, so i guess i just need to change my diet and stuff :-/ adhd meds aren’t good for kids (im still a child of course). I haven’t been to a doctor in a while! last time i went was maybe for a blood drawing? but that took 5 minutes so it doesn’t rly count. it was like , 7 months ago. oh well. I’ll see one very soon! selfishness. I don’t really know about this one that much but i constantly feel like im being selfish and uncaring a lot more lately? idk i mean i just got off my period so that may be why but i just feel rly self conscious abt how much i talk abt myself (like Rn) and all that and my parents would just say like “thts so stupid,” so . Not rly helpful lol. Speaking Of! parents. yes. they are. still a problem. ive probably heard my dad say “i don’t drink but you’re driving me to” to my mom like 3 times this week, and not rly as a joke? my mom and dad have been arguing a lot but i think its just stressy in my house :-//. they’re annoying lol.
and those are all of my problems. not too bad!!! oh yeah my earbuds broke too but thats easy to fix.
anyways! yeah im doing a lot better. i just keep this up as a reminder to never stop pushing and to always strive to be happier or better or kinder etc because you never know what could be going on. im in remission! im doing better! and i will strive to stay this way for good. being sad is a waste of time. its not cool. its not fun. its not trendy. its fucking draining, bro! be happy! even if u dont smile or even act all that happy, you can still be happy. u don’t need others validation to be you (although hearing it Does feel nice). remember to keep on moving forward.
i will update this if anything else comes along! stay sexy bros (and people who don’t want to be called bros).
sweet fucking christ hello again!
I haven't touched this account, or the phone i used it on, for like two or three years now!
here's an update about how I've been doing though.
1. less depressed! ive since stopped taking meds and ive been much better, i haven't relapsed in what, a thousand or so days? its been really nice
2. still anxious, but its chill.
3. going into junior year of high school! im sure that I'll be wicked tired
4. ive been wicked exhausted anyways. while i may be recovering nicely from my mdd, im still extremely stressed and my physical health isnt looking amazing
5. started to see a new therapist after i felt like my old one was truly trying to demonize my mom, found out that she had a grand reason to, my new therapist feels the same way as the old one. my new one is admittedly a lot sweeter though.
6. im in the process of getting an osdd diagnosis, i already know of PTSD and ADHD.
7. i think i might have fibromyalgia woo
8. and im actually a nonbinary guy now! i use he/they/it pronouns (and a few more), and i identify as queer now. i may have expressed opinions about my dislike towards neopronouns or xenogenders or whatever but ive come to the understanding that its really not any of my business to dictate how others percieve their gender identity and the like.
9. still single
10. still a fan of kirishima and mp100! ive definitely delved into other anime and, sadly, left mha behind (sort of for the better), but i think it's gonna be alright.
so yeah! thats my life now, thanks for letting me overshare again! cya!
