White Noise

i almost dont use tumblr, but mija wants me to upload it i upload it (?)

I'm talking to my mom yesterday and im going to therapy this summer

Its kinda harsh but i think it will be the best from me (even when i had been warned about how shitty the psychologist is here and i KNOW i will have to take meds) because i cant stand like this aymore, even more now that im in college

Ivee grow with an abusive mother who yelled at me everytime i was crying, who said i dont have anything to be sad, constantly pushing into doing stuff i dont want, she made me the mentality that depresive people are stupid and i think that sometimes and i makes me feel worse than ever

I know im a toxic person and i know i can be abusive but i dont want to be one, and i do my best to not be but its just pushing me so hard and im scared to hurt people yelling them things that might or not be true (because talking about it with a friend made me notice things but ey, i will be a bad person if i said it, some even made me constant guilt if i didnt say yes for months, so)

I usually idealice persons in my mind expecting them to be like i want but they usually fail quickly and it crashes me, my attention span is shorter and shorter everyday, the anxiety doesnt let me sleep, i get angry when people talk to me, a little push / responsability makes me have a breakdown, i dont wanna waste my time in anything that isnt for me but i know that is bad to shut myself alone but i cant talk about by the fear of being abusive BUT IM JUST SO TIRED

My borderline is getting worse and worse everyday, i dont even know what's good, but i've done it before i wont stop talking to people, but i wish by the bottom in my heart these will understand

brain: hey guess what

me: what

brain: sudden overwhelming sadness, that's what

me: