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my 12 year brother is talking to his friend on the phone and trying to arrange plans to go over to his house this afternoon and was saying that our dad could drop him off maybe and i just heard him say "well i could maybe come over earlier but my dad is busy sharpening his scythe"

muffled voice coming from the phone speakers: how long till the scythe is sharp

Handing the Google executive currently chained in my basement a piece of paper that reads "Shall I end your torture?" with one checkbox that reads "No" and another that reads "Maybe later."

ancient greek word of the day: κακοθερής (kakotherēs), unfitted to endure summer heat

this literally means “bad at summer” pass it on

Reblog if you, too, are bad at summer

all cops are bastards because all cops are just doing their jobs

He uh, skipped awful quickly to “stealing gold fillings” didn’t he?

Everyone say thank you sanitation workers we owe you our lives sanitation workers

"hogwash" still one of the best words ever. this shit is so unbelievable its pig water

the old "polyamory is ONLY for people who have their shit together" sentiment in relation to like attention to your partner/emotional maturity/working through jealousy etc. is really funny because actually everyone should be doing that but monogs love to offload necessary emotional/personal work by just treating their partner like a dog instead. yes i know i said something about treating someone like a dog yes i know that made you horny yes yes blacked out and reblogged all very good dear thank you

WEAR A HELMET WHEN YOU RIDE A BIKE!!!

sorry man im new to fleeting moments of clarity