Dear Dawnuts💕

Ilang buwan ding pikit-mata, pilit na binusalan ang mga katagang gustong kumawala. Luha na tinago, nilunok at tinawa ng malakas hangga't ang gustong sabihin ay hindi na marinig at maalala. Mga salitang inipon, sinilid sa supot ng limot at nilibing sa lupang kinalkal ng mga kukong patay, pagod na kamay. Saka inalayan ng mga bulaklak na hindi man lang nagtagal sa hangin ang halimuyak, wala ng buhay. Bumuhos ang ulan ng di man lang nabasa ang aspaltong pinaglakaran pero ang nalunod ay ang mga pinaglumaang unan. Ilang umaga ang nagdaan, kung Huwebes o Lunes, hindi mo matandaan. Ang sigurado ay umaga na naman dahil sa sumisilip na liwanag at dahil hindi ka nakatulog kakaisip magdamag. Babangong pagod at mabigat ang katawan hindi dahil sa kabusugan sa mga kinaing kataga kundi dahil sa kalungkutan. Araw, linggo, buwan at taon ang binilang. Labis na dismaya ang nilabanan. Ilang pagkakataon pa ba ang papayagan mong masayang? Pinilit mong mag-umpisa, kahit hindi tuwid ang nilalakaran, kahit masakit ang mga paa, kahit uhaw at naliligaw, para lang mahanap ang sariling tingin mo'y nawawala. Naglakad, tumakbo, natisod, nadapa, tumayo. Hindi kailangang kumaripas ng takbo para marating ang dulo. Sumabay sa hangin pero sa malakas na ihip ay di nagpadaig. Naglakad. Nadapa. Tumayo. Hindi na madadapa. Malayo na ang iyong narating. Hindi mo maiwasang tumingin pabalik pero sa nakaraan ay hindi ka na sabik. Mga paang maputik, kinalyo ng katotohanan ay kusa nang tinatahak ang daan na hindi pagod at hindi na nasasaktan. Mga basang pisngi ay napalitan na ng ngiti sa dating tuyo, mahapdi at sugatang labi. Biglang naalala mo ang mga katagang huli mong sinulat sa pahina ng mga naglalagasang dahon mula sa punong tinanim mo ng nag-uumapaw na pagmamahal na akala mo'y walang katapusan, mga salitang dati'y puno ng pag-ibig na ngayon ay hindi mo na maramdaman hindi dahil sa sakit kundi dahil mas pinili mong hindi na ulit masaktan. Tahan na mga matang nilisan ng ningning. Hindi ka bituin na pinangakong susungkitin para lang kalauna'y mapako at sa ere mabitin. Nasa iyong mata ang nag-aalab na sinag ng araw at ng buwan, matutupok ng apoy ang nakaraan pero hindi ang iyong kariktan. Pagsapit ng bukang-liwayway ay hindi ka na iiyak muli. Hinding-hindi mo na kakailanganin ng kahati sa saya at pighati. Pangako, hindi mapapako. Dahil bukas o sa makalawa, maubos man ng mundo ang mga pinanghahawakang rason para tumawa, hindi ka mawawalan dahil ikaw lang sapat na. 🙂

but I am choosing myself now, so, fu.

It was a night of summer when you came across the street I've been wandering to for years. You said hello and hesitantly I replied hi. I was sitting in the pavement where I can see the sky, so clear yet so sad. No stars were out tonight to cheer my weary heart. The wind's so cold I can feel it in my bones and the street was unfamiliarly dark. You asked me why I was out alone. I didn't know what you meant by that, so I just glanced at your way and smiled awkwardly as if it'll answer what you're curious about. You started talking about life, how difficult, unfair, and wonderful it was simultaneously. I was never the social butterfly type. I didn't know how to talk to strangers without being awkward. Surprisingly, we ended up sharing about our fave hobbies, food, pet peeves, guilty pleasures, fears, likes and just anything under the sun. You were so magical that night that I found myself opening up about things I never revealed to the world. I was mesmerized how life treated you badly, how disappointed you were, how sad and then eventually apathetic of everything but you still can tell about your dreams and plans in the future with hope in your eyes. God knows how much I prayed fervently for your happiness and success. "Make him happy first, Lord. Then I will, too." That night, we were laughing and crying at each other's life experiences, we didn't notice how the time had passed, and how the sun started to crawl up at the morning sky. You stood up on your feet and stretched your hands up, covering your face from the beaming sunlight. You said goodbye and told me to stay and you will be back for more stories, laughs and cries. Night came but you never did. Day came but still, you never did. Days, weeks and months went by, but still, even your shadow was out of sight. I moved on with my life, or so I thought. But one day, you came back to the same street where I first saw you but this time never alone. You waved hi, your smile so different from the last time I saw you, you were glowing, you were happy. I can feel a lump forming in my throat, my eyes were about to cry. Suddenly, a bittersweet feeling filled my almost empty heart. "Ah, an answered prayer, just like how I asked Him." I flashed the wildest smile I can give, I almost hurt my mouth. I waved back at you but mine's goodbye. I looked at your direction as you fade to a silhouette in the dark. I realized that you never belonged to this street, not even that night. You were just lost on your way looking for a new home who, even with thorns, can hug you so tight. I wondered how far you've wandered while I waited here in the cold. I never left, I never moved, and I never went anywhere. Because love, when you told me to stay, I thought you'll be back for me. When it truly means that I can't go with you because you already belong to somebody.

“Sinubukan kong sabihin sa lenggwaheng hindi mo maintindihan ang tunay kong nararamdaman at nagbabakasaling iyong mahulaan pero blangkong titig at mata mong malamlam ang sa aki'y kumumbinsing puso ko'y masusugatan sa iyong nagbabadyang kasagutan.”

May mga taong mamamahalin ka. May mga taong sasaktan ka. At may mga taong mamahalin ka pero sasaktan ka. Pero may mga taong di ka na nga mahal, sasaktan ka pa.

Mahal, liparin ka sana ng hangin Papunta sa aking piling Pero kung di ka man para sa akin Tadhana ay di na pipilitin Ibubulong ko na lang sa bituin “Puso ko ay huwag niya sanang dalhin.” 💔

Missing you everyday Against the memories lost in hay Read my mind and will find you there Lay rest in ground, always cruel, unfair Oblivious of us, all eyes, they stare No one really, truly cares Joyful in little moments we share Allow ourselves to go but to where Yes, we feel, but love? we’re hardly there 📷: pinterest (credits)

Foolish hearts around city lights Loud, mad laughs in cold nights Tensed faces against air of weeds Chink pair of lips in cold bottle it leads Background of unclear, peculiar chatters Soft cry hidden to smile that falters Loud, busy, mad and cold street it is And a soul holding his pieces but no one seems to notice.

Good friends and late night talks But my thoughts to you it walks Drunken words but sober mind Sinking heart in between I find. 🍺

Hinahanap kita sa bawat patak ng ulan at hangin na humahalik sa mukha Hinahanap kita sa alon ng dagat na humahampas sa paa Hinahanap kita sikat ng araw na nakakasilaw At sa takipsilim na buwan naman ang papaibabaw Hinahanap kita sa bawat kislap ng bituin at pati sa mga ulap na din Hinahanap kita sa bawat liriko ng kanta Sa bawat ritmo ng musika, sa bawat tugtog na dumadagundong sa dibdib Hinahanap kita sa bawat letra na sinusulat o sa mga salitang sinasambit Hinahanap kita sa bawat katok sa pinto, at sa bawat tawag sa pangalan ko Hinahanap kita sa bawat taong nakakasalamuha na baka may katulad ka Hinahanap kita kahit alam kong wala ka na at hindi na babalik pa At patuloy kitang hahanapin kahit ang sakit-sakit na 💔

I love how the moon lights up what the night tries to hide or how it holds the secrets we can’t tell the daylight. I love how it fades our scars and bruises, how it turns them into something beautiful as if we own them, as if it rightfully belong to our souls from the start. I love how it listens to our stories but never asks questions. I love how it slows down the rushing of time or the things that runs into our hearts and minds. I love how it makes us stop and stare in awe as if we have never seen an unblinding light for a while. I love how it tells us stories and sings us lullabies whenever we cry. I love how it reminds me of you, lonely and full of imperfections but constantly shines in the dark. And I love how I love you to the moon and never back. 🌚💕

Always, just like the moon, glow beautifully even when you’re alone. Never minding the numbers of who stop and stare. Because somewhere, there’s someone who is lovingly looking at you, wishing the night would never end. And that’s what truly matters, the person who loves you even on your darkest days. ❤️🌚

Baka kaya takot tayo sa gabi dahil hindi tayo tiyak kung meron pang bukas para sa mga “sana” nating pinagpaliban natin ng buong araw dahil takot din tayong tumaya sa mga bagay na hindi sigurado at sa mga taong puro siguro. Sana. Sana bukas pwede pa. Sana bukas meron pa. Sana bukas andiyan ka pa. Sana bukas mahal pa rin kita. 🌚

Dawnuts ♥️

It was past midnight when I reached home from a tiring duty. I felt like I've used up my energy not because there's an influx of patients but because I've been not feeling well for days now. I took a bath then decided to skip the usual skin care routine, didn't even remove my mascara and the traces of my lipstick, because I was too tired to even move an inch. I knew the moment my head will hit my pillows, I will be in dreamland in few minutes. But boy, I was wrong. The moment I closed my eyes things started to bombard my mind with what-its that I was trying to shove off of my head the entire day. I binded my phone to my bluetooth speaker and played my favorite playlist, to calm my nerves. But it didn't, playlist reminded me of you, because it was named before you. And watery thingy started to fall off from my dead tired eyes without my consent, those traitor tears. "Not tonight", I said to myself thinking that I need to wake up early tomorrow because I've got lot of things to do. Tears stopped and dried themselves as if on cue. "Stop it, you are brave, frail heart. Just not tonight." I got my phone, read messages from groupchats, shared some relatable memes, checked my memories and scrolled to my timeline back and forth, until I hurt my thumb. I went back to my Messenger to see who's still online and saw you on my top chat list. Your profile picture with green dot that makes me giddy few months ago but now, makes me sad. Funny how things drastically change in months. We've been wrong from the start so I know why it ended like this. It's not even something mutual, I don't know. That still isn't clear with me yet. Must be mixed signals. Must be my imagination. Anyway, it still makes me happy seeing you online because it means you still haven't blocked me off yet. Hahaha. I clicked your badge, backread from those times we're okay, laughed at our months old silly jokes and even at our petty arguments. I still get the same feeling from last months when I re-read our messages. Happy, silly, and butteflies-in-my stomach feeling. But when I think things through, on realm of reality, the butterflies in my stomach felt more like a kick straight to the gut, the happiness felt like guilt and selfishness, and being silly felt like being stupid and feeling sorry for all I've been feeling. I typed good night but hit backspace right before my thumb will betray me by hitting send. Tonight's different from any other nights that I braved myself to say Hi first. Enough, self. Please. I know I have oodles of courage to say things to you but I don't know if you're patient enough to hear those. Maybe not because you have enough of my stubbornness already and because it's wrong all along. It was never right even before when we're happy and it's way different now. We already said things. We cleared everything. I even suggested a clean slate this year. We changed. No, you changed, for the better, at least. I, on the otherhand, is still here and will still be here, it's my choice. Though you will never come back. Never. I'll be okay with that. I'm okay with that. I need to be okay with that. Whatever is good for you is best for me. So I closed the app, put back my phone at the deck, wiped the last traitor watery thingy on my puffy cheek, rested my eyes and drowned myself in the song which every word reminded me of you. I need to sleep early. I need to sleep now because I'm tired. Damn tired.