Friendly Lobotomy

Good news, bad news situation. Good news is: you didn't actually have all of your teeth removed and donated to science unwillingly. You were just dreamin. Bad news, you realize you've been so neglectful, in terms of dental care, that even bad-dream teeth thieves don't want your rotten chompers.

@pointsincase was kind enough to publish this silly thing I wrote about the Middle-West, meat products, theological conundrums, and perhaps murder(?!?). Intrigued? Then (to paraphrase former presidential hopeful and somehow least embarrassing member of the Bush family, Jeb! Bush) please click.

My patience for humanity is yanked from my soul and suddenly I'm weirdly sympathetic towards comic book supervillains who just want to death-ray the Earth until it melts.

The best thing I can do for myself when I'm trudging through a migraine is shut myself in a bathroom with the lights turned off and my personage placed close enough to the toilet that I can reach it for any vomiting that might occur when the brain-pain starts to make me nauseous but far enough away that I can't smell the chemical or other toilet smells because, in my tender sea sick state, any strong odor will lead to puking. Proximity is key. Too close: vomit. Too far: vomit (but on floor or me). So I have figured out the goldilocks just rightness of many a bathroom where I can sit and ride the waves of pain and nausea.

Scammer: Hey, Timothy, can my car be repaired to tomorrow?

Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.

Scammer: Oh no! I'm so sorry! I hope I did not offend!

Me: No worries at all. 

Scammer: Thanks for the reminder. I have found the right [number?] Meeting is fate. You are a kind friend. I don't mind having one more friend.

Me: That's very kind but actually, and this is very embarrassing to admit, I am legally not allowed to have friends. 

I won't bore you with the details but it's a whole court order, plea bargain, reduced sentence, blah blah blah sort of thing.

I can't have a Facebook, a Twitter, an Instagram, or any sort of social media at all. It's a real drag. I love having a group of pals. 

And might I add -- and this can just stay between you and me -- far as I can tell, it isn't technically "illegal" or "immoral" to befriend people and, over the course of a year, convince them that they should allow me to eat them. I mean, convincing isn't a crime, right? It's like convincing someone to vote for a certain candidate. I'm not committing fraud just by being persuasive. It's still their choice.

The "justice" system in this country is such bullshit.

Anyways, like I said, I can't have any friends for the time being but  if you're still interested in about 10 yrs I'd love to have you for dinner sometime. 

Scammer: ????