How I Got Banned From A Shitty Role Play Server: The Short Story
A few years and go my friend Jesse and I used to play on this Mount & Blade: Warband RP server. It wasn't exactly the most serious of a place. We were both involved in heavy RP on a forum and it was a nice break from the super serious and high quality nature of what we were used to.
Anyways we were bored one day and rolled new characters. Jesse and I feed off each other's energy in a bad kind of feedback loop. We just keep doing goofier and goofier things, pushing the limits of what's acceptable.
We had both been awake for over 24 hours and were getting punchy so you can already guess these new characters weren't gonna be any kind of wholesome. We decided to make a bandit couple and go on a highway robbery spree.
Well we couldn't decide which of us was gonna play the girl, both insisting the other would be make a "prettier princess". We flipped a coin and I won. Or lost, depending how you look on it. I got to be the girl.
At this point I was the saner of the two and managed to come up with the OK name of Hefina. Jesse, on the other hand, decided to name his character "Adal Shanks". This was already bad.
It was immediately decided that I, considering I hadn't named my character Adal Shanks, should do the talking. This quickly evolved in to the idea that Adal Shanks could not, in fact, talk at all.
We speculated that he spoke in a series of grunts, whistles, and farts that only Hefina could understand. At this point I should mention, Jesse and I talked on Skype while we played.
The in-game chat system was cumbersome at best so we used it for out of character stuff. This allowed Jesse to role play grunting and then tell me what he meant.
Quickly this turned in to things like "Adal Shanks says, "Ungh. Ugh. Unkh bughn." followed quickly by Jesse saying, "That means, "Yes of course good sir but have you seen yon sunrise? A most excellent thing is it not?".
Well we quickly realized we'd be shitty bandits if we couldn't actually threaten people. So after Jesse chasing someone off and grunting feverishly at them, causing me to almost wet myself as he was grunting in skype now too, we pooled our starting funds and bought the cheapest weapon the NPCs sold: a quarterstaff.
Fortunately for us, Jesse was a worldwide ranked M&B:W player outside of RP who happened to specialize in using polearms. Basically this meant Jesse, even equipped as a (now shirtless) hirsuted grunting idiot could take on and defeat five heavily armed and armored men with nothing but a big stick, something I've seen him do several times.
And so we set about holding up travelers on the road for their hard earned gold. This quickly became boring as it was 11 AM on a Thursday morning and there were no travelers on any of the fucking roads.
Bored, we began wandering and found a small shack. We started jumping around the interior (Jesse and I had a thing about jumping in that we did it constantly like a bad nervous tick). One thing led to another and Jesse began chasing me around the shack with the quarterstaff.
He then informed me that Adal Shanks had lost his penis "in the war" and obviously the way the couple had sex was that Adal Shanks "pleasured" Hefina with the quarterstaff.
Jesse then, naturally, proceeded to act this out to the best of his abilities given the game's limitations. All the while he kept screaming, "HOLD STILL SO I CAN GIVE YOU THE WOODY-PLEASURES!" while I kept running about shrieking about splinters in my vagina.
Fortunately the game had no in-game voice chat because suddenly we became aware that we were not alone. Some poor pilgrim expecting god knows what had wandered in to our little shack of horrors.
"wtf" he said, in OOC chat.
"unghk" Adal Shanks said, in IC chat.
The man drew his sword, unsure of what to make of the strange situation.
"Is this man hurting you, m'lady?" he asked, now In-Character, with a gesture towards Adal Shanks who was, at he moment, swinging his quarterstaff at me.
Something about this irked Jesse. I don't know what it was and I doubt I ever will but from my headset issued a terrible wail. Having let loose his unholy warcry Jesse set upon the man, beating him to death with his stick.
I watched in abject terror and also hysterical laughter as, upon murdering the innocent fellow in cold blood, Jesse set about "pleasuring" the man's corpse.
Knowing full well we had crossed a line we decided to run for it before someone called an admin. Under normal circumstances we would have deleted our characters and hope they didn't bother to check the IP logs.
These were anything but normal circumstances however. We were now so immersed in the game we were unaware it was possible to leave. Thus, fearing the wrath of God and/or an admin, we fled from the shack out into the forests.
We wandered for a time getting frustrated at the lack of people to rob and/or beat with sticks until we reached a town. There was a clothing merchant NPC there and with the money Jesse has unceremoniously looted from the poor man's body, we decided to go shopping.
Now convinced I was, in fact, the prettiest bandit princess to ever live, I demanded of my mate that he buy me a dress. He did not like the idea, but I eventually convinced him to. In addition, he bought himself some ridiculous boots with pointed elf-toes.
Our new duds quickly became boring and so, naturally, we began to wonder what Adal Shanks would look like in a dress. I traded the dress to him and he equipped it.
Now due to some laziness on the developer's part, the way Mount & Blade: Warband handles clothes is a bit like how LEGO handles them. You're not exactly equipping clothes so much as equipping a body (that happens to be wearing them).
The developers, for obvious reason, never intended on having a hirsuted barbarian man wear a dress so the body for it was always female.
Thus upon equipping the dress, there before me was a lithe feminine body in a silk gown with the head of Genghis Khan's ugly cousin staring back at me. I was violently sick. I was also laughing.
Jesse was screaming a number of profanities I'd prefer not to have to repeat. This went on for several minutes until we decided I looked better in the dress.
"Just unequip it." I told Jesse. There was a pause.
"I can't." he said in a small voice.
"It won't let me... I'm... I'm stuck wearing it. I can't even equip anything else." he replied.
After trying every combination of equiping, unequiping, jumping, and hitting Adal Shanks with a stick, we couldn't get the dress off.
It was eventually decided we needed help and having forgotten our earlier mischief we elected to contact an admin. Being the party in need of help, this was up to Jesse.
Five minutes, a lot of explaining and apologizing later, we had Jesse out of the dress. That's when it happened.
Or that's what the text read. We turned around. Sure enough, standing behind us was a man in a saggy cloth hat and default farm clothes named Jorven.
"cabagess? u buy bacages?" he said. Jesse and I were in tears. Something about the way he kept looking back and forth between us was hilarious.
"greetings nehehehehe" Jorven jeered, "cabages?"
Jesse and I were howling.
"CAAABBUUUAAGGESESSSSS??!!!??" bellowed Jesse in a mock foreign accent of indeterminate origin.
"U BUY MAH BACABAS?" I shrieked in reply.
"GREETINGS!! NEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEH!" trilled Jesse in a high nasal voice that had me gasping for breath.
"Jesse..." I managed between hysterical laughing fits.
"What?" he replied, snorting.
"Put on the dress." I told him.
"But-" he began to argue.
"Do it." I said. He did. Jorven took a step back. He had stopped looking between us eagerly and was now staring, likely in awe, of Adal Shanks' head on a woman's body.
"NOW FOR THE WOODY" thundered Jesse, causing his mic to flare with static.
"Jesse no-" I tried to say but it was too late. The quarter staff was in his hands. Fortunately, for Jorven's sake, the first strike missed. That's the only time I've ever seen Jesse miss.
Jorven, acting quicker than you'd expect, turned and began to run.
"CAAABBBBAAAGGGESSS?!" Jesse was screaming in a high pitched wail over Skype as he chased after the poor peasant. I fell off my chair, sobbing, wracked with fits of inane giggles. My headset fell off my head.
Minutes passed and finally I regained control of my body enough to climb back in my chair.
I put back on my headset just to in time to hear Jesse whine. I didn't have to ask what it was. There it was on my screen, and presumably on his.
"You have been banned. Reason: stop being a bunch of fggots"
