F

The apartment fills with a kind of hum—music, laughter, clinking glasses—and none of it sounds like yours. 

You weave through bodies carrying trays of food and half-wilted party favors, your smile fixed and tight like a ribbon pulled too hard.

You barely hear the “Happy Birthday!”s anymore. They don’t mean much when they come from strangers—strangers who know you only as Sae’s girlfriend. 

They come because he invited them weeks ago, told them “she’s planning something chill, just show up.”

And they did.

And he didn’t.

By 8:00, you’ve checked your phone seven times.

No messages. No missed calls. No “I’m on my way.” Not even a “Sorry, I’ll be late.”

The screen dies in your hand, finally surrendering to all the anxious flicks of your thumb. You put it face-down on the kitchen counter and open a bottle of wine you were saving.

It’s a celebration, right?

It’s supposed to be.

You keep yourself busy—refilling snack bowls, cleaning up spills before they stain the rug, making small talk about games you only half-understand. 

Your dress is starting to choke you, the shoes pinching by now, but you keep moving.

If you sit down, you’ll think. 

If you think, you’ll feel. 

And if you feel…

No. Not yet.

The cake stays on the dining table.

Untouched. Intact. Like you.

Three candles, one for each year you’ve spent together. 

You thought it’d be poetic. Sweet. Maybe even romantic. 

You imagined him lighting them with that quiet smirk of his, teasing you for getting sentimental. 

You imagined him singing—badly, off-key—while holding your hand under the table.

Instead, Otoya lights a joint in your bathroom, and Karasu sings something loud and off-beat from the hallway while someone throws popcorn at him.

Your birthday is a blur of people trying their best. And none of them are him.

You laugh at jokes that don’t land. You accept hugs that feel like bandages. You nod along to stories that aren’t about you.

And still, every time someone walks in late, your heart leaps.

Maybe this time.

But the door never opens for him.

At 9:23, Rin appears beside you.

You didn’t expect him to come. He’s not the social type. But he hovers near you now, quiet and heavy like an unspoken truth.

“You okay?” he asks eventually.

You nod. It’s a lie, but it’s an easy one.

Rin doesn’t press. Just looks at the cake and then back at you.

“You want to light them now? People are waiting.”

You shake your head. “He’s not here yet.”

Rin’s eyes linger on you for a moment. You can tell he wants to say something. 

Maybe He’s not coming. 

Maybe You deserve better. 

But he doesn’t. He just steps back and lets the silence do the talking.

You wish someone would say it out loud. Just rip the bandage off.

He’s not coming.

He forgot.

He chose something else over you.

Again.

At 10:08, the party dies naturally.

Karasu helps gather the trash. 

Otoya kisses your cheek and says you still look hot for someone abandoned on her birthday. 

You laugh. It sounds hollow, but it passes for humor.

Someone tells you to save them a slice of cake. You nod, though you know you won’t. 

You can’t imagine cutting it without Sae here.

And when the last person leaves, when the apartment door finally clicks shut behind them—

You are alone.

Utterly, achingly alone.

The cake is still there. The candles, still unlit.

Your dress crumples as you sit down on the couch, arms wrapped around yourself, trying to hold something in—tears, hope, the sharp sting of understanding.

This was the one thing you asked for.

The one day.

I wouldn’t miss it for the world

You lean your head back and stare at the ceiling.

Maybe the world called louder.

At 11:43, the door opens.

You don’t look up. Not right away. You know that sound too well.

The key in the lock. The soft scrape of shoes on the mat. The sigh.

You turn your head slowly.

There he is.

Sae, in his training jacket, hair damp from a shower, duffel bag slung over his shoulder like this is any other day. Like he’s just coming back from work. Like this is normal.

His eyes sweep the room—over the mess, the balloons, the faint outline of people who were once here but are gone now.

His gaze stops on you.

Then the cake.

And you can see it. 

The moment he realizes. 

The way his shoulders fall slightly, the regret that flickers too late.

“I tried to make it,” he says.

You don’t move.

“I got held up—”

“Don’t,” you say, voice quiet, steady. “Please don’t.”

He stops mid-sentence. You can hear him swallow it down.

You stand up, slowly, the hem of your dress brushing your ankles as you do.

“I told everyone you were probably just stuck in traffic. That you’d be here. That you’d walk in at the last second like in the movies.”

You laugh under your breath, and it sounds more like a sob.

“I kept looking at the door like an idiot.”

Sae says nothing.

You look at him now—really look at him—and all you can see is a promise broken so gently it almost doesn’t leave a scar. But it does.

It will.

“I didn’t need a grand gesture,” you whisper. “I didn’t need flowers or surprises. I just… needed you to show up.”

And he didn’t.

And that’s the thing, isn’t it?

You can’t keep loving someone who keeps making you feel like this. 

Like your needs are unreasonable. 

Like your expectations are weight. 

Like your love is something optional.

You don’t cry.

Because this is the moment.

The exact moment you knew:

You’ll always be the one waiting.

And he’ll always be the one chasing something else.

The silence stretches, thick with all the things you wish he’d say but know he won’t.

Sae steps further into the room, slowly, like he knows he doesn’t belong here anymore. 

His gaze flickers again to the cake—still untouched, still waiting—and he opens his mouth.

“Traffic—”

Your eyes close.

“Training ran late—”

A breath escapes you, heavy and trembling.

“Coach just—”

“Sae.”

Your voice stops him like a wall.

You lift your head and meet his eyes, mascara slightly smudged beneath your lashes, your gaze glassy, distant, and unbearably tired.

“I just want the truth.”

For a moment, he looks at you like he wants to give it.

And then, quietly—so softly you almost miss it—he says:

“...I forgot.”

And your world splits open.

You don’t flinch, don’t scream. 

There’s no dramatic breakdown. Just the softest, stillest silence—so loud it rings in your ears. 

Because you knew, didn’t you? 

Somewhere deep down, buried beneath all your hopeful excuses and quiet reassurances.

You knew.

But hearing it—hearing him say it, standing in the wreckage of your birthday, the only day you asked for—

It guts you.

Like a knife twisted slowly.

“I’ll make it up to you,” he breathes out, reaching toward you like that means something now.

You shake your head.

“No,” you whisper. “It’s fine, just… just—”

Your voice catches, and you swallow it down.

You look at him then, really look.

For a split second, it’s like the years rewind. 

Like you see the boy who used to text you after every game, who kissed your forehead before long flights, who held your pinky like it was sacred.

Apologetic.

Meaning it.

In love with you too.

But it’s not enough.

Not anymore.

You step back.

“I’ll sleep in the guest room.”

He stares at you, eyes wide. “What—?”

“And in the morning…” Your voice cracks, a choked whisper. “I’m leaving.”

Something in him breaks. 

You see it. You feel it. 

He moves forward again, reaching like he could hold you here with his hands alone.

“No. Please, I—”

“I can’t…” you say, tears finally slipping down your cheeks. “I can’t keep waiting for you, Sae. I won’t.”

It’s not just about tonight.

It’s about every time he made you feel like you were asking for too much when all you wanted was him.

You step past him, slow and quiet, and disappear down the hall, leaving him in the soft wreckage of what could’ve been.

He stays in the kitchen for a long time, unmoving, staring at the cake with three unlit candles.

Outside, the city keeps moving.

Inside, all that’s left is a silence that tastes like regret.

airy write sae a happy fic for once challenge GO!

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Rin blinks as he notices the face on your PC that is not his own. What the hell is that? 

You aren’t at your desk—meaning you are either using the bathroom or grabbing a snack—and so he exits out of the image with a huff. You don’t need to be staring at Nagi when you return. 

When he closes the screen, however, he sees the same photo as your profile picture on Twitter. he stills. There is no way that’s your personal account, or Rin would’ve noticed that atrocity of an icon you had. As he takes a closer look, he sees the display name of “NAGI’S #1 GLAZER” and scratches his head in confusion. 

What the fuck is a glazer and why does it sound explicit? 

Rin wants to respect your privacy, but a bigger part of him has to know what this is. Why is your computer on this account? Why is it logged in? And if this is your secret fan account, why the hell is it of Nagi and not him? 

“Oh! Hey, babe,” he hears you greet from behind his back. 

“What is a glazer?” 

“A w-what?” you stammer nervously, rushing beside him to look at your computer. 

“What’s a glazer?” repeats Rin, tone unamused. 

You close your eyes in defeat, sighing as you plop down on your seat. “You saw my fan account, didn’t you?”

“It’s difficult to miss,” he retorts. “Another man’s face was blown up on your 27-inch screen.”

“I was just changing my profile picture,” you say meekly. “I wasn’t staring at it, or anything.”

Rin frowns, feeling a dull pit in his stomach. So it is your account. That means you have a fanpage of Nagi Seishiro of all people. 

He stays silent, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

A few beats pass before you look up at him with wide eyes and furrowed brows. “Rin, you know the fan account is just for fun, right? As a fan of the soccer player. I don’t know Nagi as a person—only the parts the public is able to see. Like a stupid celebrity crush!”

The frown stays on his face, but the lines are less severe. 

“But you,” you say, “I know the real you. And I love both what you show to the public, and what you show to only me.” 

“Then why isn’t your fan account of me?” he counters, and even Rin hears the bitterness in his own voice. 

You blink. “Because that’s weird. You can’t have a fan account of your boyfriend.”

“You should only have a fan account of your boyfriend,” he mutters dryly. “Why are you a fan of Nagi anyway? He didn’t even make it to the U-20 World Cup back in the day.”

At his words, your spine straightens and a pout forms on your face. “Hey! You can’t just say that. It’s too soon!” 

“It’s been years!” 

You sniffle, folding your arms across your chest. “Not enough years! But that is part of the reason I like him as a player so much.”

“Because he got eliminated and couldn’t keep up with the rest of us?”

“Rin!” you chastise, tears forming in the corners of your eyes much to his surprise. “Nagi got eliminated when we least expected… It seemed so hopeless for a while. I was heartbroken! But then he makes a huge comeback and becomes an even greater soccer player than before! All on his own, too. It shows he can be hardworking and dedicated, and his skill isn’t just from pure useless talent!” 

After your long spiel that Rin thinks sounded just a bit delusional, he sighs. “So you like Nagi as a soccer player more than me?”

“No, of course not!” you protest, standing up from your chair and staring firmly into his eyes. “You are still my favorite soccer player. My favorite person in the world, in fact.”

His gaze softens but he still can’t help but be skeptical. 

You exhale gently as you elaborate, “I’ve had that account since I was young—a high schooler watching you guys change what it means to play soccer. I’ve made lots of friends from there, some I still talk to today! It’s not all about Nagi, though we do hope he’ll become one of the world’s best players. Still, he’ll never compete with you, Rin.” With a warm smile, you pinch his cheek. “You’re always number one to me.” 

“That’s not what your display name says,” he mumbles, but there is no sharpness in his voice. 

Groaning, you insist, “It’s just a stupid meme name. You don’t have to worry, I promise. I don’t even know what a glazer is! I just see people using it a lot on social media lately! I have to try staying trendy with the young ones…”

Rin snorts. That does sound like something you would do. 

“I’ll change it if you want,” you offer hesitantly. “I don’t want this to be something that causes issues with us—”

“It’s fine,” he interrupts. 

Rin is jealous. Rin is possessive. Rin doesn’t want anyone else to be number one in your heart. But he doesn’t want to control you. You told him not to worry and offered him reassurance, and though he still wants to rip Nagi’s throat out with his bare hands, he knows he has to trust you. It’s not something that comes easy to him, but it’s something the two of you built together in your relationship. You bring out a better side of him, one that isn’t always angry and bitter and obsessed with the past. 

“It sounds like a weird hobby,” he says with a huff, “but if you enjoy it, then I won’t stop you.”

You smile at his begrudging support. “It is a silly hobby, but that’s all it is. You are the one I love and the only person I obsess over in real life.” 

“Good.” Rin smirks. “Then you won’t mind when I destroy Nagi’s chances of winning the world cup?” 

Your eyes widen as another pout starts to settle in. “D-destroy?” you repeat mournfully.

He nods.

“I suppose if you are the one doing it,” you say, “then it’s okay. I’ll always root for whatever team you’re on.”

“As you should.” 

“I always will,” you promise, sticking your pinky out. 

Rin shakes his head at the childish gesture, but the smile on his lips betrays him. He interlocks his pinky with yours and makes a promise of his own. 

You couldn’t quit him.

After being with him again for the first time in what in hindsight feels like an eternity, you couldn’t quit him again. Even after he fucked you again when you showered, you knew you’d have to have him again.

He made you go to your own room after you cleaned each other. But it was hard. It was hard not being able to lie beside him and sleep in his arms. And it was even harder lying to Chigiri about it when he eventually came to bed, thankfully he passed out pretty quickly.

You could barely sleep.

All you could think about, can think about, is Rin.

The morning came around, or at least it got lighter outside. You didn’t even bother checking your phone when you decided to sneak out of your shared room with your best friend. You snuck down the hall to see your ex again.

He must have been awake, too, because he answered to your knock almost instantly.

“R-Rin, harder.” you moan, quiet and broken as he fucks into you on his balcony. You both knew what you wanted when you knocked at his door. You wanted to be with each other, like this, but you knew it came with the risk of being caught.

The balcony is freezing and covered in snow.

But neither of you care. It goes unnoticed as he fucks you so scandalously. The friction and close proximity both keeps you warm enough as he ruins you on the snow-coated balcony. It makes your vision blur as you think about how private yet exposing this is.

Should anyone wake up and decide to play in the snow, you’ll be spotted.

Your brain is goo as he churns up your insides, he forces a bent leg up onto the railing as he rails you from behind. Even in such a degrading, compromising position, you feel nothing but love.

He gently caresses your throat and offers a gentle squeeze to make sure you’re with him. You’re focused and you’re devoted to him and what he’s making you feel. It makes your tongue loll out embarrassingly as he pounds into you, lewd gushy squelching reverberates through the morning air. The sound of skin meeting skin is loud enough to scare the birds from the naked, snow filled branches of the trees in the distance.

Your body is angled just enough to be kissed by him. It’s so sloppy and heated as he gives you the hard, but attentive strokes you so greedily desire.

“I l-love you, Rinnie,” you tell him, “s’much, s-so much.” you continue, speech broken and whiny and oh so quiet. It’s a secret you shouldn’t tell but you can’t help it anymore. You’ve already told him once, there’s no harm in telling him again and again and again.

He moans into your mouth as you kiss, the pressure around your throat intensifying ever so slightly as he continues to slam into you. You yelp when you feel him move your head so abruptly, his nose brushes against your ear before you hear him whisper into it.

“I love you.” he repeats, groaning when he feels how your pussy clenches when he tells you. “L-Love this pussy, missed her s’much baby. I miss you more than anything.” he confides, and it makes your heart swell. Though a thought nags as you think about life after the cabin.

“W-What about your girlfriend?” you cavil, pouting as you think about what you’re doing is so wrong and unfair to her. It’s wrong, but you don’t really care about her. You care about yourself and what this means for you and your ex going forward. “Ah!” you yelp, feeling a painful smack land on your ass as he doesn’t relent.

“Don’t talk about her, not now.” he tells you, and it makes your blood run cold. You bite your lip as you feel him smack you again in the same spot as before. You feel tears form in your eyes as you think about her. This is temporary, things will change when you leave the cabin. He’s not yours anymore, but he’s yours for now. “Stop thinking about her.”

“C— I can’t.” you whimper, and it only makes him fuck you harder. “Rinnie! Unffff, o’my God!” you cry as you feel him battering against your g-spot. He’s going to force you not to think, no matter what. The force of his hand around your neck increases once again, and tears begin to fall as you lose yourself to him.

“Stop fucking thinking,” he demands. “Always so stubborn. Listen to me for once.”

Your hands grasp the cold metal railing. It’s a white-knuckle ride and all you can do is hold on. It’s relentless as you feel him begin to chase his orgasm, harder and deeper thrusts that have you on the brink unconsciousness.

“Fuck, princess, you’re so perfect. Gonna be a good girl and cum for me, aren’t you?” he hums, his voice gravelly and infused with a grit you know is bound to topple you over the edge at any moment. He smirks against you when he hears your little desperate whine that you were hoping to hide from him. You’re too exposed, though, you’re putty in his hand. “You can do it, c’mon. Cum on this cock.”

“Hnnng! Rini—!” his name is rushed on your tongue as you begin to feel your orgasm wrack through you. Your legs go limp and he holds you tightly. His arms wrap around your torso as your pussy gushes, the warmth of the liquid spurting around you melts through the snow. “Shit— Shit! Fuck, Rin! Ah!”

“When did you get such a dirty fucking mouth, baby?” he asks, spanking you again. You bite your lip and your eyes cross as he continues bullying his cock into you. He’s silent, save for expletives and grunts as he chases his own release.

You hum, content, as you feel him fill your walls once again. It’s so thick and warm and wonderful. He stills inside of you, huffing hard as he gathers himself. Your bodies could fuse together as his hold on you gets tighter and sweat seems to get stickier.

“Wanna blow you…” you whisper.

“Hm?” he asks, not quite hearing you as his ears ring with lust.

You manage to push him away as he releases his hold on you, moving him to the wall parallel to the balcony railing. He watches in awe as you drop to your knees in front of him, entirely dismissing the bitter cold snow on your legs as you focus on him.

His cum runs down your inner thighs as you try and keep his essence inside of you, he holds your head as your stick your tongue out teasingly. He hisses when you lick his sensitive tip, throwing his head back a little too hard against the wall.

“Shit,” he muses, but it only encourages you. He carries on watching you as you attempt to sink your mouth onto him and devour his length. You taste his cum and your own insides on him as you take more and more of him into your mouth. It’s too much for him, though. His cock starts to soften and the overstimulation is too much. “Stop, baby, enough.” he tells you, helping you to your feet again.

“Please?” you flutter your lashes, but he stops your pleading with a sloppy kiss. You wrap your arms around each other, holding each other so sickeningly close as you kiss and lick at each other like you’re animals. It’s so nasty and erotic and it turns you on more. “Need t’suck you off, please.” you beg, but he’s adamant.

“You better get back to your room before Chigiri notices you’re gone.” he whispers, kissing you again. He pulls away a little when he realises you’re decreased enthusiasm. “What’s wrong?”

“… Why don’t you want anyone to know?” you wonder, sadly. “I— never mind. I’ll see you later.” you tell him, you make sure to pick up your panties as you walk into his bedroom as you clothe yourself again.

“I don’t think it’s anyone’s business…” Rin says, coming inside with you and closing the door. He tries to make you look at him, but you don’t want him to see any hurt in your eyes. “Hey, can you… talk to me, please?” he asks, and you look at him.

“Rin, ugh. I don’t know where your head is with this.” you start. “I want you back, we’ve fucked and I miss you. But you’re seeing someone else, and you won’t talk to me about it.”

“I didn’t want things to end… I’ve missed you the whole time…” he tells you, eyes softening as he looks at you for longer. Nothing scares him, not normally. But your eyes, right now, like this, terrify him. He’s back to that day all of those months ago.

You have the same eyes as you did then.

The eyes that wouldn’t give him a chance to change or prove himself to you.

It makes him pause for too long as he thinks about what to say to you. But everything is trapped, he has nothing to say. And he can see the look of disappointment in your eyes, now, as you pull on your pyjamas and go to leave.

You don’t even say goodbye as you close the door behind you, as quietly as possible so you don’t draw attention to yourself. There are slight signs of life to be heard from downstairs as you walk down the hall and back to your room. You just hope Hyoma is still asleep.

The door creaks slightly, even when you open it slowly. You look inside first to make sure you can see him, and relief hits you like a tidal wave when you see pretty rose-coloured locks spread out in all directions across his pillow.

You creep back in and slip into the bed right next to him. A heavy sigh leaves you as you are overcome with relief, even feeling a little smug when you realise you’ve gotten away with it. You managed to sneak in and out completely undetected.

“Good morning.” he greets you, calmly. Your heart pounds as you roll over to face him. His eyes don’t look tired, if anything, they look focused. “Where have you been?”

“Toilet.” you respond.

“For two hours?” he replies. Fuck. “I think you were fucking someone on the low. So? Unless you had—”

“I had diarrhoea.”

“Stop lying you bitch.” he laughs and slaps your arm lightly. “Why won’t you tell me? You know I won’t say anything… Was it Rin? Or did you mess up?”

You sigh, rolling onto your back so that you can stare up at the ceiling. He just looks at you as he tries to determine what you’re thinking, though he moves himself upright as he sees you start to cry slightly.

It’s futile, lying to him. You should have known he’d figure you out in an instant. You’re so predictable and easy to read. And now that you have him to talk to, your emotions bubble to the surface. And you tell him everything. From the kitchen counter to this morning.

He doesn’t interrupt, he doesn’t ask questions. He just nods and lets you talk. And you explain how you’re feeling and why you feel so upset. You feel stupid, and you feel hurt.

“I wonder if I’m just expecting too much. It’s just sex and he’s with someone else, it’s not like he owes me anything.” you tell him at the end of it all, but he shakes his head.

“No, no. Fuck that. He’s fucking you and telling you he loves you and you guys have history.” he corrects you, eager to make you understand that you haven’t done anything wrong. “He’s cheating because she’s a rebound. But he knows how you feel now, and he still can’t be honest, this is on him.”

“He’s probably just telling me what I want to hear while we’re fucking.” you theorize, but he doesn’t comment. You aren’t sure if it’s because he agrees or not, but it keeps you quiet for a moment nonetheless. “I don’t think he’s… the type. To use me, I mean.”

“He isn’t.” Hyoma agrees with that, at least. “He might be scared you’ll leave him again. But, you did just hook up. It’s a mood killer and maybe it was weird timing to try and talk about deep stuff.”

“Maybe… Should I go and say sorry then?”

“No, just, let’s see what happens today.” he tells you.

You ended up resting in bed with Chigiri for longer than intended, waking up a few hours later to see the sun fully shining through the windows rather than the pink and gold hues of this morning’s delight.

He left you alone in favour of getting himself some breakfast, while you decided to have your third shower to clean yours and Rin’s combined coupling from your body.

You got dressed, once again opting for comfort over anything before you went downstairs to see everyone. Otoya cooked alone, apparently, but Chigiri decided to help to speed the process along.

“Hungry?” Otoya asks, but you shake your head. “I’ll make you something anyway.” he shrugs, and you can’t help but smile. Even a simple slice of toast is a kind enough gesture.

“The children want to play in the snow,” Sae tells you, sitting beside you with his cup of coffee. You squint at him, and then back at the other guys in the room. “Yes, those being the children.” it makes you laugh, even Eita does can’t help but smile as he hands you your toast.

“So you better eat up so you’ve got enough energy.” Ryusei grins, putting his arm around you as he sits down. He tries to steal a slice from your plate, but Sae slaps his hand away. “What are we doing in the snow, kids?”

“Snowball fights.”

“Making snowmen!”

“Snow angels?”

There’s murmuring amongst the group as everyone decides what they want to do. The noise and positive atmosphere are more than welcome. It keeps you distracted from thinking about your ex.

“I brought my skates, can we go on the ice?” you ask, turning to Sae. You pout when he shakes his head. “Oh, why not?”

“It hasn’t been that cold, so I don’t want to risk it.” he explains, you sigh, but understand. “Something’s telling me it’ll be too thin to walk on, let alone skate on.”

“Okay, I understand!” you smile, trying to cover your disappointment as best you can.

At least there’s a skating rink in the city. That’s safe to use whenever you want. But there’s something so magical you always liked about skating on the Itoshi lake.

It made you feel like a forest fairy.

Ryusei eats beside you once Chigiri puts a plate down in front of him. It’s going to be sad to leave after tomorrow. It’s been fun despite all of the drama. Sitting down to eat with everyone everyday has been so sweet. Being with friends rather with family has been a welcome change.

It’s something you might have to do every year from now on, even if it’s just you and Chigiri.

“Has everyone wrapped their presents yet?” you wonder, pushing your empty plate aside when you’re done. You hold one half of your toast in your fingers, finishing it off as you talk to everyone.

“Mine came prewrapped.” Oliver announces. And Eita looks at him suspiciously.

“Same…” he responds.

Sae announces that he’s finished with wrapping his stuff, while Ryusei and Tabito shake their heads. You’re so excited to see what everyone got each other, even if they are silly and maybe even lewd gifts. It’ll be such a fun Christmas morning with them around either way.

“I did mine while you were in the shower.” Chigiri tells you.

“Oh!” you smile, standing up, “Where did you put the DVDs? We bought some DVDs, guys. Maybe we could watch some tonight and some for Christmas when we’re lounging around?”

“They’re in our room.” Chigiri tells you as you look towards the stairs.

You waste no time running up and locating them before you come back down. Everyone looks excited as you stand beside Chigiri and put the shopping bag in the middle of the kitchen island.

They all start smiling widely at your combined mix of good and bad choices as they work their way through the moderately sized selection.

“Oh Sae, look, your favourite.” Ryusei smiles, handing the Taxi Driver DVD to his friend. Sae’s face lights up as he holds it, excited by the prospect of subjecting everyone to it later.

Chigiri’s face drops, focusing on the movie in Sae’s hands as he comes to a horrific realisation. He turns his body, facing away from everyone. Both of his hands cover his mouth as he tries to maintain his composure. No one even realises that he’s having a mini freak out right in front of them because they’re all so entertained deciding what the movie schedule will be. Nobody notices, except you, that is.

You can’t stop smiling, it’s all you can do to stop yourself from laughing at your best friend’s expense. He sees you out of the corner of his eye, and it lowers his guard.

“What the fuck have I wrapped for secret Santa?” he whispers to you. You hold it together. You almost hold it together before you start snickering. Tears of joy and utter amusement roll down your cheeks as you keep trying to pull yourself together only to start laughing again. He warns you, urging you to stop before everyone notices and asks why you’re laughing.

“If we get the receipt and check what’s here, we can figure it out.” you tell him, and he shakes his head.

“I don’t want to know, this is mortifying.” he tells you. It only makes you laugh more. You’re doubled over beside him clutching onto your stomach. The thought of Sae possibly unwrapping a chick flick tomorrow morning and wondering what on earth possessed Chigiri to gift it to him makes your laughter increase.

“I’m gonna dieeeee~!” you tell him, voice warbling as you look up at his furious gaze only to end up laughing more.

“I’m going to bury you in the snow.”

~

Everyone finished eating and decided to bundle up warm before heading out into the snow.

Being outside is invigorating. The fresh, cold air is so crisp, it’s almost electrifying. You’d been playing outside for a few hours together. You’d lost track of how many snow people you made.

Your favourite is the one you made with Karasu after everyone demanded you added a pair of tits to it. You even went and grabbed one of your bras from your room, wanting to conceal the modesty of the exposed lady around the more perverse guys in the group.

Rin joined you later in the afternoon, sticking to the sidelines mostly before he was encouraged to have fun with you all. You were fine around him, albeit a little quiet.

You suppose neither of you feel ready to talk, even now. The sky is starting to get darker. It’s a surprising shade of fuchsia and orange that most members of the group can’t help but photograph to remember the moment later. You’re sure there’ll be an influx of Instagram stories with the exact same sky when you check your feed later.

“Think fast!” Oliver yells before pelting a snowball at Eita’s head. His reflexes are fast, but he hadn’t considered your position behind him as he decided to duck out of the way. “Fuck!” Oliver shouts as he watches the snowball hit you in the face and knock you to the ground. He runs over to you; everyone crowds around you before Ryusei helps you up.

“I’m fine!” you laugh, though you scrunch your nose when you notice it feels a little colder than it had before.

“Your nose is bleeding.” Rin tells you, cupping your face as he examines it. He tells you to keep your head back, so you do. “I’ll get tissues.” you don’t catch the furious glare he shoots at Oliver before he hurries into the house.

“Guys, I’m okay! Don’t worry Oliver.” you try and smile at him while being wary of your bloody nose. “It was an accident. Just don’t throw so hard!” you laugh.

“I’m really sorry.” he gets closer to you, giving you a hug as a show of support, he isn’t sure what else he can do to help. “Do you need anything? Can I—”

“Just go have fun, please! It’s just a nosebleed.” you assure him. He raises a suspicious eyebrow, but you tell him once again to continue playing around in the snow. You don’t ignore how far everyone runs away from where you are to make sure you aren’t hurt again. But you’re satisfied as Ryusei and Chigiri sit with you while you wait for Rin to return.

Ryusei pulls you into his side, patting your head as you carry on waiting. Your face is covered in blood and your clothes are ruined. You try to pull away from Ryusei so you don’t stain his clothes too, but he only holds you closer. He doesn’t care if you get blood on him.

He just wants to take care of you.

Rin returns from inside with tissues and a packet of baby wipes that you recognise. They’re yours. He’s been in your room. You look at him suspiciously, but Ryusei takes them without question.

“Are ya still bleeding?” he asks, and you let go of your nose. “Li’l bit.” he tells you. He takes a baby wipe from the packet and starts cleaning you up. He starts by wiping the congealed blood from your hands, making sure to get between your fingers too.

“Can I do anything?” Rin asks, there’s a need behind his words. He doesn’t want to have to ask, he just wants to help. He wants to be doing what Ryusei is doing right now. But instead, he feels helpless. He’s been left on the sidelines while his friend takes care of you.

“I got it.” Ryusei replies without even looking at him. You don’t even think about Rin as they converse. You’re more annoyed that your makeup is ruined and you’re going to have half of it wiped off when Ryu is through with you. Rin doesn’t say anything else, leaving to sit nearby to keep an eye on you.

Chigiri spies an opportunity. So, he sits beside him while Ryusei carries on cleaning you up.

“You seem in a better mood today.” Ryusei smiles, his grin only growing when he sees you smiling too.

“I—” you look over at Rin, hoping he won’t overhear. He looks like he’s too busy chatting with Chigiri, and it looks serious. “I slept with Rin.”

“Oh!” he laughs, still focusing on getting the last of the blood off your face. It’s just about gone when he speaks again. “Do you wanna talk about it?” he asks.

“I just don’t know what I’m doing, ‘n I don’t think he does either. And he’s got a girlfriend so it’s… weird.” you explain. He pulls out a tissue from the plastic pack Rin handed to him. He gives it to you, encouraging you to stuff it up your nose while it continues to bleed. “A-Anyway, thank you for the other day. About the whole kiss… thing… thank you for not being weird about it.”

“I promise, it’s fine.” he assures you as he stands. He holds out a hand for you to grab and he pulls you to your feet. “It’s all good, I just—”

“You kissed him?” Rin asks, coming closer to you. You’d thought you’d been quiet enough to get away with having a private conversation with Ryusei. But clearly, you’d been too naïve. Of course he’d be curious as to what you were talking about after everything that’s happened.

“No, I—”

“Rin, it wasn’t like that.” Ryusei tries to reason with him. But you’ve never seen Rin like this before. He doesn’t stop approaching, but all of his fury seems targeted on Ryusei. “Nothing happened.”

“I just heard you whispering about a kiss.” Rin responds. “Care to explain?”

“I’m trying, man. Back up a little, yeah?” Ryusei insists, shoving Rin back a little and he accidentally bumps into Hyoma. You look at your best friend, concerned, but it’s short lived when Rin snaps back.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” Rin tells him, shoving him harder.

“Nothing happened!” Ryusei shouts, pushing him again. They get the attention of the rest of the group, they all come over to see what’s going on. They pick up the pace when they keep pushing and shoving, the intensity only growing the longer they fight.

“Stop it!” you yell, only to be ignored. You try to break them up, but Ryusei pushes you further away to you don’t end up with another nosebleed.

“I didn’t fucking kiss her!” Ryusei insists firmly, trying to put a stop to the unnecessary squabbling. “You’re seeing someone anyway, yeah? What difference does it make if I want to fuck her?”

“You fucked her?” Rin asks, a rage like you’ve never seen flares in his eyes. The light of the sky muddies the teal lagoons that you know and love so much, and he can barely think straight as he digests what he’s hearing. “You’ve been telling me for years that we’re fucking friends, Shidou. And now you’re fucking my ex?”

“No! I was—” Rin punches him hard enough to throw him off balance. He falls back hard and bumps into you. He falls into the snow, and it crunches from his impact. “Fuck, Rin.”

Before he can even think about getting up to throw him a harder punch, everyone around him gasps. He turns around to see you on the ground. His fall forced you onto the lake, sliding almost halfway across the ice.

“Oh shit.” Ryusei speaks.

“Oh shit.” you say in a panic, realising what has happened as you manoeuvre yourself upright so you can look at everyone in the distance. Even from so far away, everyone can see how scared you are. Your heavy breaths in quick succession give you away immediately. “Rin!” you cry out, worried that this will be the last thing you ever get to say.

Nobody knows what to do, least of all you. Your eyes begin to water as you worry about what’s going to happen to you.

Fear surges through you as you hear the ice crack.

“Help me!” you scream. “I heard a crack!”

“Don’t panic!” Hyoma tells you, though he knows it’s easier said than done. “Do we go get her or—”

“The ice might break if too many people are on it.” Sae announces. “Lie on your stomach and crawl across slowly.” he instructs you.

You’re shaking but do what you can to position yourself how he’s told you. The breaths you take are slow, but noisy. They’re precarious as you worry about falling beneath the ice never to surface again.

“I’m here, princess.” Rin tells you, steeling his voice in an attempt to calm you down. He’s at the front of the group after shoving past everyone. He drops to the balls of his feet and gets as close to the edge as he can. He sounds calm, but his eyes tell you he’s just as terrified. “I’m right here!”

You nod, tears drip from your eyes and onto your bloodied coat sleeves. Fear isn’t a good enough word to describe what you’re feeling. You’re even scared that your tears are going to be heavy enough to break the ice below.

It’s quiet as you try and move across, and everyone is on tenterhooks waiting for you to get to safety. You even manage to relax a little as you feel like you’re going to make it.

But the ice cracks again.

“Rin!” you cry again, freezing in place. You can’t move. You’re stuck and you don’t know what you can possibly do to get out of this. “I don’t want to die. I love you I love you Rin I don’t want—!”

“Stop it! You’re not going to die!” he tells you fighting back tears. “I have to go and get her.” he announces, but his brother and Ryusei hold him back.

“You can’t. You’ll make it worse.” Sae warns him. “Hey, don’t stop now. You’re nearly here!” Sae tells you, hoping some words of encouragement will be enough to get through to you. He looks behind him, urging everyone to do the same.

“What about those sweets you bought, huh?” Chigiri calls out. “I’ll have to eat them all and get fat if you don’t get over here!”

Everyone laughs, and it even makes you smile a little. You breathe air from your puffed out cheeks as you try and find the courage to keep going. Everyone cheers and hypes you up, it’s the only thing they can think of to keep you calm.

“I’ll make you my hot chocolate I know you like! You can even have all of the marshmallows!” Chigiri tells you.

“We’ll let you pick the movies we watch tonight.” Ryusei chimes in.

“And you can have the comfiest spot on the couch!” Otoya adds.

Everyone keeps talking to you as you do your best to ignore the cracking of the ice. You pick up the pace, finally feeling confident that you’re going to make it.

Rin smiles. An earnest, genuine smile as he sees your confidence build. He drops to his knees and holds his hand out to you, tears spilling over his lash line as a burning need to keep you safe in his arms grows and grows.

“Come back to me, baby.” he sobs silently, fat tears roll down his cheeks as he speaks. You keep your eyes on him as you continue traversing towards him, desperate to hold his hand and be with him again. “Need to tell you how sorry I am. I need to tell you I love you, so please come back.”

He tries to reach out further when you get closer. A few of the guys help keep him secure so he can grab you sooner than he would otherwise. It’s so intense as you ardently strive to hold his almost blue hand.

And your heart skips a beat as you feel his freezing hand touch yours. His eyes light up when he feels you, clutching tightly and pulling you towards him. Everyone else sees that he’s got you and pulls him backwards.

You cry out as you feel the soft snow seep into your clothes, and you look back at the lake. Everyone does. A deep crack forks through the ice, and you jolt as a chunk sinks beneath the water where you’d just been moments ago.

Rin looks at you, chest heaving, and you stare back at him as well.

The other’s back away to give you room to breathe, most of them falling to sit down in the snow themselves after the adrenaline dies off.

“I thought I was going to die.” you tell Rin, and he nods.

“You scared me, princess.” he whispers back, laughing a little but crying more from relief. He pulls you into his arms and hugs you tightly against him, kissing into the crown of your head as he realises you’re safe with him again. He doesn’t care about Ryusei, he doesn’t care about anything. Just this. “I love you so much, I’m so sorry.”

“I love you too.” you mumble into his chest.

He frees you from his hold, only to kiss you passionately in front of everyone. Chigiri cheers first when he notices, the rest soon follow. But it’s just white noise to both of you. You can’t pull away and you think you might stop breathing if you do. But after some time, he breaks it.

“We should go inside, you’re freezing.” he whispers, his forehead rests against yours and he carefully holds each side of your head with both hands. His breathing is almost as stuttered as yours had been on the ice. Something doesn’t feel right.

“Rinnie? Is everything okay?” you wonder.

“Yeah I just,” he huffs, “I need to talk to you about something.”

Everyone was so attentive to you when Rin brought you inside. Each of them offered you the world in their own little ways. But Rin had no intention of letting everyone fuss over you. Not when he’d almost lost you, no. He took you to the bathroom instead, determined to clean the blood and outdoor grime from your weary body.

But you’re in his room, now. Sitting by the fireplace and wrapped in blankets that he insisted on swaddling you in. He didn’t even let you get pyjamas from your bedroom. He just gave you some of his sweatpants and a t-shirt.

Not a word is spoken for quite some time as you sit by the fire together. You just watch it crackle and flare as it keeps you both warm.

But you have to know what he meant.

You need to know what he was talking about.

“Do you love me, Rinnie? Really?” you wonder. It makes him hold you tighter against him, unsure why you even need to ask. “You weren’t just saying it because you… wanted to get in my pants or thought I was gonna die today?”

“Of course I love you, princess. Why are you asking me this?”

“B-Because you said you need to talk to me about something.” you remind him, and his gaze drops. “If it’s about letting me down easy, can we just pretend until tomorrow?”

“I don’t want to let you down easy; I want to be with you again.” he explains, firmly. Determined to not let a doubt linger in your pretty head as he tells you. “I want to be better for you this time, because I don’t want you to leave me again.”

“Well… I don’t understand what you wanted to talk to me about.” you tell him, and he frowns. “Is it your girlfriend?”

“… Yeah.” he clears his throat. “I’m scared I’m going to lose you. But I need to tell you about her.”

You don’t say anything, you just look at him with wide eyes as you wait for him to tell you. It scares you to think about what he might say. The possibilities are endless as you think about what’s going on in his mind as he searches for the courage to speak. What could he possibly say to you that would make you leave him again?

“I knew you were in the hallway when Shidou was in my room. I recognise that strawberry and coconut body cream you use, you always used it when we were together.” he explains. And you realise he’s talking about the day you’d accidentally eavesdropped on them. “I was about to tell Ryusei I missed you. But when I knew you were there, I thought I’d see if you’d be jealous if I moved on.”

“… You lied?” you ask.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, it was childish and I didn’t think things would turn out like this.”

You think about what he’s told you for a minute. But you just lay your head on his chest, sighing wistfully as you consider where you are now. “I’m not mad.” you inform him.

“You’re not?”

“No, I can’t be mad.” you tell him, moving your head again so you can kiss his cheek. “I shouldn’t have been spying, and I threw myself at Ryusei to make myself feel better but I made everything worse.”

“I shouldn’t have been so possessive about that, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s—” you stop, kissing his lips sweetly and looking into his eyes. “I’m not mad, Rinnie. I’m happy and I’m alive and I love you.”

He smiles at that, kissing you back again. “I love you too.”

“But if you want to make it up to me…” you start, moving to straddle him so you can kiss him while looking into his eyes. “I wanna watch movies with everyone tonight. And you have to come to!”

He sighs, kissing your neck and nibbling on your earlobe.

“Fine,” he agrees. “As long as you get Chigiri to make me one of his hot chocolates.”

© 2023 rinhaler

“What the fuck?”

You jolt back, and the empty bottle rolls across the floor.

There’s a standstill as you ask yourself what just happened, believing the question is more than clearly expressed on your face. But, instead of apologizing or explaining himself, Nagi just looks at Reo, causing you to look at him as well. And that strange feeling reappears—the one that tells you there’s something you’re missing.

“What’s going on?” you decide to break the silence since neither of them was bothering to clue you in, keeping your eyes trained on Reo, giving him a glare, demanding he explain himself.

His voice is low, a little embarrassed perhaps, and a little suggestive in the way he speaks as if hoping you’d take his meaning without further clarification, “You said you wouldn’t mind if Seishi joined us...” 

It completely stunts you, head entirely blank for a second or a few until it settles, and you backtrack to that night a week ago. 

“What?” You shake your head with an off-put and perplexed grimace. “That was a joke!”

You sit there then, feeling weird all over—seeing only one conclusion after wracking your brain.

“Oh my god!” you exclaim and get up in a hurry. “I can’t believe this—if the two of you want to fuck, get your butts out of the closet and do it already!” You storm off, flushed and mortified beyond repair, muttering loudly, “Can’t believe you’re dragging me into this. I’m going home. Never call me.”

You’re stopped before you get very far. Reo’s hand around your upper arm is not too hard but enough to make you halt despite your determined stomping. Needing to get out of there quick before the tears could come—you can’t believe you’ve been someone's beard all this time. Can’t believe he’d string you along like this, use you, and you actually thought you loved–

“You got it all wrong,” he insists, pulling you back to look at him. “It’s not Seishi and me.”

“I mean, how would we? We’re both tops,” Nagi adds, only a step behind.

You bite your lip. So confused you’re sputtering when you ask, “What then? So, you want a threesome? Is that what this is about?”

Reo laughs nervously—something he never does—saying, “Not exactly...” 

You can’t say he’s being of much help. “Then what?”

“Y’know…” 

He’s blushing profusely in a manner you’ve never before seen. 

He can’t even look at you as he bows down and whispers in your ear,  “I want to watch.”