A list of things I wish I could say to you
1) I miss you.
2) I pick up my phone several times during the day to check if you’ve messaged me.
3) I feel sad when you haven’t.
4) I smile a lot when you have.
5) I like you. I really really do - to the point that sometimes I wonder whether this is love instead of some hormone-induced infatuation.
6) I also really fancy you. Which really is different from just ‘like’. ‘Like’ sounds too chill. My stomach goes all jittery, and I get chills thinking about the next time I’ll see you. That is definitely not chill. (pun unintended)
7) I am convinced I won’t ‘grow out’ of fancying you. At least for quite some time.
8) Remember when I said I didn’t expect anything from you? I lied.
9) I want to date you. I want to be your best friend. I want us to fall madly in love. I want to meet all your friends and be best friends with them. Sometimes I dream about all of us, sitting in a cocktail bar in Bristol, having a really great time.
10) I also think about the day you introduce me to your mom. It’s always the same scene: she and I cooking together, laughing, and chatting non-stop. I look around to catch you smiling in the corner.
11) I’m worried if I say any of the above, you will be terrified of me.
12) Actually, I’m already convinced you don’t like me as much after the last time you saw me.
13) Definitely not as much as I like you.
14) Nowadays I wake up with my stomach in churns, uneasy and heavy, because I think you have stopped liking me altogether.
15) Did I mention my therapist thinks you’re ‘really lovely’?
16) She thinks you might be worth waiting for. I would hate it though if you found someone else in the time being.
17) I want so badly to be your one and only.
18) What about you though? What do you want?
- As brave as I like to think I am, I do not say any of this. Instead I asked, ‘hey how has your week been?’ Just a friend being a really good friend.
