Forever is only a moment

“take me, take me to the riot.”

simple question: how to fall in love?

there is a fire in your belly, bright and warm. a restless anxiety messed with fearlessness, why be afraid of something if you’ve lived it up? i have spaced all of my stars inside of your hands, words laced with peace, love made to grow, gardens made of paper, burning rose bushes right next to snow. sometimes growing apart from old familiarities, remind us about the frailties of life. sometimes we forget to rest because we think too much, sometimes we love too much because we never let ourselves stop from seeing ourselves inside of all that we have given our hearts to. there’s a resting place under a willow tree where all of the spotted and striped horses go for safety. inside of dreams you have felt my presence, inside of souls you have seen my smile— lighter than feathers, softer than petals, lovely as can be, the words you have spoken to me. i know your fear of self-expression comes from past lives of speaking your mind and being shut down. but in this one, i have given you the space to let all of your galaxies expand and explore, all of my heartstrings for your loving songs to be played, all of my thoughts a sea for you to sail, all of my poems a place for you to sleep. i am made of energy that never dies, i am made up of sounds that keep the night full of moons, i am made of light that resonates with the sun, i am a silent prayer meant for your comfort, love has made a home out of my heart and i know that i could never harm all that you’ve been through, so loving you has always been easy for me. if you are a mirror, i am the essence of our reflections— you don’t need to exist in any other way, you don’t need to activate your fight or flight instincts around me, you don’t even need to glow, you just need to hold all of your calmness inside of that laughter. i know it has only been a few months full of change, but life has never been this brilliant to me. i know we can still get down and the frustrations tend to get to us, but all fires start with a spark, all stars start out as nothing, all words begin with an idea, all loves begin with a likeness, all of life begins with energy and we’re back again. i have prayed on my knees for something simple enough to keep me sane, you tell me that when you look at me, you just see more of yourself and when i love you, i’m really just trying to understand myself— there was a day of great discovery inside of my spirit, my love has delivered kindness into my patience and asked me to be gentle, i don’t need to have a reason to love you, but you’ve given me thousands upon thousands of tiny reasons as to why constellations don’t begin in the sky, sometimes a glance of the eye can tell us enough, sometimes being there is less of physically being there and more about effort, so we’ve been trying to be. to just be. where did life take us? where will our journey take us? i know you still have a lot to figure out and sometimes it’s not easy to be present, but through all of your rage and shouting, there is a stillness inside of you that i have always seen. i don’t need to point out all of your flaws, i don’t need to point to where you should be better, there is something inside of you that just asks to be seen and you are all-knowing and all-seeing when it comes to me. i don’t need to tell you about what’s going to happen tomorrow or what went wrong yesterday— all of your efforts blooming inside of your reactions. i know you don’t feel perfect and amazing on your worst days, but for all of your bad days, you’ve given me beautiful days to carry all of it. there is a certain charm to your honesty and sometimes you’re just afraid to fall again. you tell me to never let you get too quiet. you don’t tell me to love you, it is just something that has to happen. i cannot speak for you, but maybe i don’t need to— there’s a leak on the roof, there’s an extra shine to the moon, there’s another tear near the horizon, there’s an offering to the sun right next to your apologies, i would ask you to know me for all that i can’t be in this life, but you’d only ask me back why not? be all that you can.

be unapologetic, you asked that of me. so with every ounce of my raw honesty, i am all that i am. the sadness occasionally gnawing out of my veins and onto the page, written words inside of my handcrafted tears. i am just a moment, it’s my favorite phrase, my favorite truth. i’m not supposed to even be here, i’m not supposed to be sitting here and writing this. you asked for my truths, how could i sit there and lie to you? as if you wouldn’t immediately find out. i’ve never lied to you and said that i was perfect. i create enough space inside of my heart for you to thrive, even on your absolutely most outrageous days— i gave nothing, but love and laughter to you. i would never ask you to return that favor, but didn’t we have a mutual understanding? i don’t know where i went wrong and i won’t apologize for something that i firmly believe in. all of my love inside of poems, all of my thoughts inside of my brain, all of these words flowing out of my fingertips. i think there’s something wrong with my heart, i think there’s something wrong with the way that i love people. maybe i give too much, maybe i give too much undivided attention, maybe i should’ve just let you have your week. i’ve never been one to shelter my thoughts, i love you. every single last piece of who i was before i was given my birth name, before my mother created my eyes, hands, lips, toes, legs and organs, before i took my first breath and my soul got to know true freedom from the womb, before they split our soul into two bodies and making it back to you finally made sense to me, i loved you with all of those pieces. i still love you with all of it. you said it many times, “i see you.” have i ever asked anything from you that would dishonor you or bring you shame? i’ve never made you feel suffocated, have i? i swear that i pray now more than ever because of you. they say that people find their faith when they’re at their lowest point, but i found mine when i was at my highest. if i can’t love you at your worst, darling, i don’t deserve you at your best. it took everything out of me to not look at you, not like i’d see much, i’m blind as shit haha. it took everything out of me to not write to you, i’ve never not written to you. it took everything out of me to not run up and speak to you because i’ve never been afraid of our conversations. i love the way your mind works and how it’s always everywhere, just like mine. i love that you’re a raging sea with calm and gentle waves. i love that you’re a fiery spirit with loyal tendencies that speaks to me spiritually. you always tell me to never make excuses, so i won’t. i don’t know how to not look at you like you gave the petals upon tender gardens purpose to soak in the sun. i don’t know how to not talk to you like this conversation will be my last, so i stutter and just never shut up. i don’t know how to not write to you because after all of these years of not knowing what it was to meet yourself inside of someone, i met you and by loving you, i’ve found more things to love about myself. you tell me to not let you get quiet, but i will make no excuses. i will never apologize for something that i did right. it would to against my core values and beliefs. i would not be the soul that you love if i wavered, even if it’s just for a moment. not even for you. you tell me to believe in myself, to have confidence, to always stick up for myself, to always have faith in love and kindness even if you can’t spare some for yourself most days. i know you’re running kind of thin and you’re hurting. i don’t know what tomorrow holds for me in a those hands, but i do know about right now. i could die tomorrow and if writing this to you is my last thing, it wouldn’t be so bad. i’ve made peace with my life, my death, my mistakes, my rights, my longings and my quest to understand myself as a spiritual being having a very human experience. maybe you’re pushing me away as to not be hurt once i am no longer around. maybe you don’t have the heart to hear the sound of my voice anymore. my happy frequency inside of such strong hands—

i have crossed over a few lines that i cannot physically back away from my heart doesn’t know the difference between love and gentleness