Fool's Gold

It’s come down to the point where my relationship didn’t end up working out in the end. I’m not going to put all of the blame on myself but my trust issues definitely were a big part of the problem.

With that said, emotional and physical abuse is a serious issue. You begin to lose sight of what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship. You lose sight of the signs, and you lose sight of yourself.

After long walks and talks with my mom, she helped me to understand that maybe the whole time, I used this relationship to mask the real problems that I had buried deep down. When I wasn’t with him, I wasn’t happy, or I wasn’t in the right state of mind, I became so dependent on him and his company because he was what made me happy. At the end of the day the problem was that I was never actually happy with myself and I used him to provide my happiness.

Now I’m truly on the road to recovery and happiness. I’m going to have to find myself again, all by myself. That’s why I’ve decided to become sober and seek psychiatric help in the process. I’m going to be a better me, not for anyone else but for myself. It’s not going to be easy because I’m really taking this break-up extremely hard and trying my hardest not to let my emotions get the best of me like they always seem to do. I just got into Mason and I must keep my grades up. I can’t fall down like I did before, I have to keep looking forward.

TO EVERYTHING there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven...    Ecclesiastes 3:1

This relates to me as I'm sure it does to every single other person out there. I used to put aside my school work in order to go out and party, drink, and pretty much do what everyone else that I surrounded myself with was doing. Over a long period of time I realized that the pros did not weight out the cons. My grades suffered, my relationship with my parents wasn't the same because of my past alcohol problem, my mental and physical health dropped to an all time low.

When you learn to understand yourself and why you are the way you are, you learn to love all of your imperfections that much more, and I don’t mean the physical aspects. Everything that you go through in life, whether it’s bad or good, has made you who you are and has given you some kind of lesson to learn from and overcome. Self-reflection is key to living a healthy life. I’m thankful that with all of the love, support, and patience from those close to me that I’m beginning to live life more positively. Yes I have nice things, but nice things are not the driving force of living a happy life. You must first love yourself. Don’t be afraid to share the real you with the outside world, pretending to be someone you’re not only dissolves what makes you, you.

My boyfriend has been under a lot of stress lately trying to get his business started. He's been spending a lot of time working these days and I've been busy with school and I just miss the Summer when neither of us had any other obligations besides spending time with each other.

We were spoiled, we had all of the time in the world to spend with each other and now it's hard to get used to our busy schedules. When we do see each other he's ranting about work and the things that make him upset and it seems like there's so much negative energy, but in a relationship you need to be able to deal with the negative and the positive which is what makes being in a real committed relationship a lot of work. I'm learning to just be there for him and not be biased towards his issues, I want to be as neutral and comforting as I can be so that he knows I'll be there to support him no matter what.

Although I wish we had more time together, I know that things can't always be unicorns and rainbows, this just means that when we do have a full day to spend together we'll appreciate it that much more.

I’m going to start my rant off by saying that social media (although I’m using it as I type this) has ruined this society and it’s ruined me.

Liking a photo on IG seems so harmless right? Then why is it that rage consumes me when I see my significant other liking another girl’s picture on IG, especially it being a picture that she obviously wants attention from (ex. A try-hard selfie). Do I have a reason to be upset or am I strictly overreacting? I honestly believe it has to do with our past. Some of us have different things that set us off from others. Me being insecure and damaged from my past relationships is what has completely screwed me up. A like on IG I always found out went way past a simple like on IG, or even FB so that’s carried on to my relationship now. When I see my boyfriend liking another girl’s picture makes me feel like I’m not pretty enough or some shit like that and it really affects me negatively and lowers my own self esteem. Being that I’m a female, when a guy who has a gf likes my pictures or my “selfies” makes me question his relationship with his girlfriend.

Idk, everyone is different and some girls don’t care about petty stuff like I do, which is what I’m trying to change. I’m hoping blogging will help me to overcome that because right now. Idk what I’m going to do with myself.

I may seem crazy to people who have never been through such horrible relationships like I have, my one wish is to become stronger emotionally and just learn how to trust…

*sigh*’ maybe one day

I go on here once in awhile when I need to let out some steam. I hate keeping everything held inside but sometimes I don't really know who to talk to. My mom is always going to be on my side, my boyfriend will always try and make me feel better, and my friends really don't get me.

I have the hardest issue with trusting people. Today I saw a text pop up on my boyfriend's phone saying "Yay! I'm exciting, so you want to meet up Tuesday?" After all that I've been through with my cheating ex continuously manipulating me and lying to me about who he was talking to, of course my first reaction is to freak out. I've grown to be so insecure and maybe that's the reason I like to go out to DC, it gives me a chance to get all dressed up and look nice. It gives me the validation that I think I need from other people who I are so irrelevant in my life. Why can't the validation from my own boyfriend, friends, and family be enough? With me I just never know if I'll ever be fully happy and I absolutely hate it.

Anyways I'm getting off track. So I see this text on my boyfriend's phone from a girl who I knew from high school and I kid you not, I about had a panic attack. My initial reaction was "oh my god, not again, the one guy I thought was the realest and truest of them all is actually like all the rest." I made him show me the conversation with this girl to prove to me that it was nothing, it was strictly about recruiting her along with about 20 other girls to promote for his motocross business. If he had just told me ahead of time I wouldn't have freaked out the way I did. My question to myself is: "Am I always going to doubt my relationships?"

I just assume that all guys are cheaters, all guys will get tired of what they have but not have the guts to break it off because they want to have their cake and eat it too but I cannot go through life assuming this, because it does make an ass of me.

I'm so f***** in the head. I suffer from depression and anxiety disorder and I feel like I'll never be able to recover. All I want is to be a normal happy girlfriend and daughter. I want to be able to trust again, I just want to be saved but is it possible to overcome?

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep almost every night because I'm not fully happy. I want to be happy.

I'm on a never-ending roller coaster, and no, not the fun kind of roller-coaster. Sitting in class today everything was fine and dandy, or so I made it seem. I'm never 100% fully content with myself, AND I CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHY! I have a very caring boyfriend who is there for me and comforts me when I have my breakdowns (which is more than frequent I might add), I have a loving mother who does all she can to make me happy, I started school again, I have my dad (who doesn't live with me because my parents are divorced - but still friends!) who sends me texts to show that he misses me and plans evenings to make dinner for me (mmm i love my daddy's cooking), I have all of these great things so why am I STILL not happy?

I think the logical answer is that I depend too much on other people to make me happy that I lose sight of just being happy with myself. If it was just me and I didn't have any of the people I listed or my select few friends, I can't tell you where I'd be at mentally right now.

My goal is to get to the point where I'm happy with who I am as a person. With my past relationships they tore me down so much, made me feel worthless, and made me feel like I was never good enough. That was about 4 years of being treated like complete shit (excuse my french). The first one had issues of his own, he never cheated but he was just emotionally abusive. The second one, that is the one that broke me down to my lowest point. Lies, cheating, manipulation, calling me names, this and that....I could go on and on, it really took a toll on me mentally. I never understood why he treated me that way, I bent over backwards for him, but he turned me into the most insecure woman I've ever met. I honestly wish I could go back, I wish I didn't even get involved with him....but eventually I won't wish that anymore, WHEN I overcome this whole thing It's just going to make me so much stronger.

Now, he isn't the reason I'm suffering from depression and anxiety, I think it stems from when I was younger, but It definitely didn't help the cause, a boyfriend is supposed to be there when you need them the most, not rip you to shreds with their words, and their lies.

Simple wisdom for complex lives. Quotes, tips & stories to help us help ourselves and each other.