Stand Tall & Look Pretty

I have been sitting on this for a while. It was really hard to put into words how I felt about the murder of Nipsey Hussle. I’m not going to front and say I was a huge Nipsey Hussle fan. I had a few tracks saved on my Apple Music, but never really sat down to listen to his mixtapes or album. Despite that, his actions spoke volumes about his character. You hear a lot of people just talking about what they’re going to do, but Nipsey lived the life he spoke about. I think that is what hurts so much about his murder. He was a man trying to bring light and positivity into a world that feels so very dark at times. Many try to leave their community and never look back, but he was doing the opposite. He was building his community- a community many overlook and write off. It was in that same community he was uplifting where he met his untimely death. When someone doing good in the world meets a tragic end, it hurts. I read this one child’s response to Nipsey's death where he stated, “What’s to stop someone from hurting me while I’m trying to do good in my community.” Honestly that child’s concerns are valid. We have heard this same story time and time again and it is not right. I truly hope this act of violence does not discourage others from continuing to change the wrongs of the world. The world needs (a lot) more good people. I try so hard to spread light whenever I can, but I too am a work in progress. I want to leave this world better than when I entered it and hope others will do the same.

Song of the Day: “The present is a gift and I just wanna be”

On Saturday, May 25th I woke up a different woman. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, my life changed. Friday night I discovered some news that turned my world upside down. I was slightly saddened, but more so enraged. Through this rage I experienced a moment of clarity. I had spent 2.5 years trying to make something work that honestly should have been dead on arrival. I looked past things like height, stability, income and maturity, that I should not have compromised. I would tell myself things like it’s not that bad, he’s nice... Honey, honeyyy- TRUST those gut feelings. Turning 30 has definitely changed me. In the past I would have been real p-e-t-t-y. Ya girl is out here getting her grown ass woman on okurr.

Making mistakes is part of life and I’ve made more than my share- especially in the romance department. I think one of the most important things a person can learn how to do is overcome those mistakes and move forward. That is some true strength. Instead of wallowing in misery, I took this situation as a sign that I’m right where I need to be in life. If I had stayed in Atlanta, I could have been dragged down by him. Instead, ya girl is out here flourishing. I woke up on Saturday with supreme focus. I no longer had any cravings for sweets or breads. I had tunnel vision for bettering myself. I’m down 10 pounds *snap, snap* I’m tryna be on my hot girl shit all summer. Freshman year of college, I gave up drinking anything besides water (minus liquor while partying). I love juice, but one day I just gave it up cold turkey. Fear of the “freshman 15″ made me completely stop. I had been trying to do the same with my sweets addiction. On May 25, I finally made that change. Rage was my motivator and I channeled it into something positive. 

Bisou,bisou💋

Song of the day- Feeling Myself

Senior year of college I had a brief summer fling with this Asian grad student at a neighboring university. He was my giant panda- 6′5 with perfect chubby cheeks for squeezing. At the end of the summer of 2012, I graduated and left for Atlanta in August leaving him behind in North Carolina. He was obsessed with me, but moving to a big new city I was excited about meeting new guys. We kept in touch every now and then. He got his PhD and moved to the DMV area where he’s currently doing cancer research. The past few years whenever we would chat, he would ask me to move out there with him, but I HATE DC. I always consider it the wannabe NYC. I would brush off the suggestion every time. He visited Atlanta for a conference a few years ago and took me out to dinner. I was in a relationship at that point so I kept everything in the “friend zone.” 

After all of these years, he has remained persistent. I received a text from him yesterday, which was the first in about a year. He let me know he would be in Atlanta for a conference and wanted to see if I was available to hangout. I filled him in about how I was living in Florida and he asked asked if I was single. I responded, “Yes,” and he asked me if I was interested in spending a weekend with him in DC. Something inside made me say yes this time. He’s the sweetest guy on the planet, but it has always been a timing issue with us. We actually have a marriage pact, where if I’m single at 35 and he’s single at 37 we’re going to get married to one another. haha. He said his time in DC is most likely over, so I’m hoping he moves back to Cali because I would totally be okay moving there.

I’m the type of girl that lives for cutesy romance stories. Blame it on my secret love for rom-coms. “Separated for 7 years, but nothing could diminish the yearning they had for one another.” 😂😂 Totally cheesy, but I love that shit. I was talking to my friend Trish cuz she’s been there from the beginnings and she was like, “Girl, he loves you.” Ever since she said that, I’ve been having an “I love Josh🤯” from Clueless moment (fyi my fave movie of ALL time).

I love his nerdy awkwardness, how he always wants the best for me, that he’s a geniuine good guy, he’s extremely intelligent and he’s out here trying to end cancer. I entered the fling that summer thinking that would be it. My mindset was I was leaving town in a couple of months, let’s just have some fun while I’m still here. I never thought it would go anywhere, but looking back I’m glad he saw something that I wouldn’t allow myself to see. This may go nowhere or it may go everywhere. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Who knows, that’s the funny thing about life. It’s the most unpredictable journey you will ever take.

Song of the day to complete my Clueless montage:

One of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou is 

 I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

I saw this tweet on Twitter asking what is the kindest thing someone has ever said to you. It made me dig into my memory archives. The first thing that popped into my head was my elementary school librarian, Mrs. McMillan. Every week we would go to the library and to check out books, she would look us up by our names. My name is a little “ethnic” so it always made me feel different in a predominately white school. I was never made fun of or anything for it, but I just wanted a simple name like my best friends Molly and Katelin. When you’re young, nothing is worse than feeling “othered.” All you want to do is fit in and have fun. Each time I would check out a book, Mrs. McMillan would tell me how beautiful my name is. It made me feel really special and helped me to learn to appreciate it and my uniqueness. 

That story always makes me think of the anecdote I once had the pleasure of hearing Oprah tell at a graduation at my university.  When she was 8 years old, a white woman randomly came up to her and told her she was beautiful. It was the first time anyone had ever used those words to describe her and she always remembered them. Such a simple gesture, changed her complete mindset.

Words mean things and are powerful beyond belief. You never know how a small phrase or seemingly insignificant gesture can mean the world to someone. I try to do my best with being the change I wish to see in the world. I’m still a work in progress, but I hope when people think of me they remember that I made them feel welcome and seen like my elementary school librarian.

Song of the Day:

One of my favorite Kanye West songs is “Addiction.” The lyrics begin with the line “Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good?” Truer words have never rang clearer to me. We all have our vices and mine happens to be my affinity to “bad boys.” Oh you wanna fuck up my life...well come right on in!

I thought leaving Atlanta would cleanse my life of entertainment industry guys, but alas I was wrong. I’ve been talking to this guy for a few months. He does security for celebrities which has made it difficult for us to hang out. That’s my main issue with guys in the industry. They’re always on the road or messing with other girls. I really don’t need those sort of problems in my life, but he’s hot so of course that makes me blind to the bullshit 😍 Yay, lust! 6′4, Cuban, beard gawd- ven aqui papi! He’s got that Cuban-Miami accent going on- and if you know, you know 😉 During those beginning phase “get to know you” convos, he mentioned how he used to rob drug dealers. I’m like whattt, PAUSE😳 I can’t be riding around Miami with him and worrying about being shot. Again lust has me Helen Keller to the red flags🙈🙉 After our date, we’re chillin’ in his suite and I’m watching him struggle to open this bag of chips. In my head I’m like “sis you need help? You ok...” He gets up, goes to his bag and pulls out a fucking KNIFE! It was a serrated tactical knife. I’m sitting there with wild thoughts running through my head- “Well I hope he doesn’t kill me because I’m 99% sure he could kill me. What other weapons are in here?There has to be a gun in here...” 

Thankfully he didn’t kill me and we ended up having a great weekend together. He told me he loves me and I’m still trying to wrap my head around that. I have a 95% feeling that things between us won’t work out, but I just be outchea playing this game of Life and seeing where it takes me. Stay tuned...lol

Song of the Day:

I swear guys always know when you have moved on and are trying to live your best life. It’s as if they get a notification for the perfect time to pop back up and fuck up your life. Gather around for another wild ride as we delve into my dating woes.

The year was 2015 and it was winter time in (not so) Hotlanta. I had met this British guy who is best described as a low-budget Idris Elba. I’m a sucker for British accents so you know I was weak in the knees for him. We hung out and hooked up a couple of times and things were good. One issue was I lived on the east side of the perimeter and he lived by the airport on the southern end of the Atlanta perimeter. On a good day with no traffic that’s a 40 minute drive. With traffic... nah son. You might as well live in a different state. Homeboy started throwing it on thick, talking about maybe we can get a place together so distance won’t be an issue. In my head I’m like, “What.The.Fuck. We’ve only hung out twice...” I’m all about saving money, but I don’t know you.

One thing I always do is “research” a guy. Nev & Max taught me well from my “Catfish” binge sessions. During my investigation, I came across his Twitter account. I’m perusing his feed and observe quite a few exchanges between him and another girl. Of course I mosey on over to her feed and this is where I hit the jackpot of information! One thing I have always noticed is that it is always the girl that posts “cute little pics” of them. You can search every single social media account the guy has and may never find one trace of their significant other, but once you find her account there are quotes and pictures galore. On her page I see pictures of the two of them in the drop top cruising in Miami, but the real gem was the engagement ring. Knockoff Idris had a whole fiance and was talking to me about moving in together and starting a life together. Da fuq??

I distance myself from him and then right before New Year’s Eve I receive a text from him asking for money to purchase a last minute ticket to London. I was like, “Excuse me what??” I met him right before my birthday (December 15th), so it’s only been about 2 weeks that I had been taking to him and he had the nerve to ask me for $2000 dollars for a damn plane ticket. He says his brother was stabbed to death and he had to go home for the funeral. My ignorant self was like who the hell is going around and stabbing people...what is Jack the Ripper back? Then I realized they do not really have access to guns like we do in the states and that stabbing is a legitimate issue there. I respond, “Sorry to hear that, but I can’t help you.” Meanwhile, I go to his Twitter feed and see no mention of the incident or being sad. He’s tweeting about his usual soccer shit. I keep an eye on it for the next few days and not one mention about going to the UK. He was trying to Nigerian scam me (he was a British Nigerian)!

A month passes by and I hear from him again. It’s the end of January at this point, I’ve moved on and started seeing someone else. He’s trying to take me out on a date and I’m feeling like being a little messy. I respond, “Would your fiance be okay with that?” He tries to pay dumb and that is when I hit him with the screenshots of the two of them. He’s confused and asks me where I got them from and starts blowing up my phone. My call decline game is STRONG. I text him saying we have nothing to talk about and that was the last time I heard from him. I glance at this twitter account a few weeks later and see that he got married to the girl on Valentines Day because he’s so cliche. 

Fast forward to 2019, where I am trying to make 30 my bitch and here comes ole boy sliding into my DM’s on Instagram trying to “fuck up the fun”. All I can do is chuckle to myself. He says he is living in Germany now, divorced and missed me. *Eye-fucking-roll* We literally only hung out TWICE. But when you got that good-good...lmfao. He goes on to say maybe we can work things out and distance is not an issue. Uhh what? If 40 minutes was too much, then an 11 hour flight definitely will not work either. Boy get off my phone playing! I need to solve this mystery of how men know you’re thriving because it never fails that they decide to pop back into your life life an untimely pimple at that exact moment.

Song of the Day- My favorite Azealia Banks song

Gather around y’all for story time. I have been on some rough dates in the past. Let me set the scene. It is Spring Break 2009 and sophomore year of college. I was broke so I did not end up doing anything. My roommate and a lot of our friends stayed on campus and just chilled. First I got my hair done so a bish was feeling herself.

The next day, I decided to be badass and get a tattoo. After the session, I stop to Walmart to get some supplies to take care of my new ink. I love electronics so when ever I am there, I always peruse through that section. While I was looking at DVDs this really attractive guy approaches me. He’s 6′2, athletic build and green eyes that I could stare at for days. He says, “Hey, are you married?” I’m 20 at this point, so I laugh and respond, “No.” He asks for my number and I give it to him because hey, it’s spring break🤷‍♀️

I get a call that night and he asks me if I want to go on a date to the movies. I’m having trouble understanding him, but I just brush it off as bad reception in my dorm room. WRONG. Get to the theater and this is when I start putting together the pieces.

I start asking him what movie he wants to see and I notice a blank look to my question. I go with Race to Witch Mountain because I figure kids movie nothing should pop off. Wrong again. The movie does not start for about 45 minutes, so we are chilling in the foyer and I start chatting to get to know him better. This is when I realize homie does not speak English. He had just moved to the states from Mexico and only knew a few phrases to pick up women. Which honestly looking back is pretty damn smart, but in the moment I was like WTF. After struggling to communicate I just gave up and waited for the movie to start. 15 minutes into the movie he starts groping my are. There are nothing but children and their parents enjoying this FAMILY film while Casanova wants to take things from PG to R real quick! I move my arm from is grasp and 5 minutes later he does it again. I am so annoyed that I move over a seat so I can try to enjoy the rest of the film. After the movie is over I just dart out of the theater and call my roommate. I walk towards the mall cause I am in need of some retail therapy after that disaster of a date. As I look over my shoulder I see him still following me. I am talking to my roommate hoping he will get the hint and leave. Total bitch move, but I was young and rude- I’ve grown a lil bit. He eventually taps me on the shoulder and says he is going to leave. Relievedddd I say bye. Of course he blows my phone up for the next few days trying to make another date happen. I’m good luv, enjoy.

bisou, bisou💋

Song of the Day:

Black women are fierce as fuck. Very little rattles them and I LOVE it. They will take on the world if they have to. Like Superman, black women too have a source of weakness. A kyrptonite if you will. You want to piss a black woman off- make her look stupid in public. You can tell them they ain’t got no booty or can’t cook, but whatever you do, do NOT have her out there looking stupid!

If you’re going to cheat on me, be good at it. Make me applaud your stealthy efforts. I want to channel my inner Nancy Drew sleuthing skills to catch you. Sloppy cheating, on the other hand, is just going to piss me off. Don’t have my friend see you in the club all “drunk in love” with some random girl. That honestly means you do not give a crap about me if you want me to be embarrassed publicly. I do not want people whispering as I walk by in the grocery store because of your infidelities. The horror! *Cluthes Pearls* I ultimately do not think it is the cheating that hurts the most, but rather the embarrassment that can be attached. At the end of the day, I just want someone that respects me enough to not have me out there looking stupid in these streets. Lol.

Song of the Day:

I am someone that never makes New Years resolutions. I guess I have always avoided them because then that would mean I would have to be accountable for reaching those goals. I have decided to try something new and put on my big girl panties for 2019. I am putting my resolutions in concrete form so I cannot hide from them. I have proclaimed 2019 as my “Bad Bitch” year. WWBBD (what would a bad bitch do) will be how I approach situations all 2019. The following are my goals the the year that I will complete.

Lose Weight & Eat Better

I have always been on the thicker side. I have not gained a pound since I was 17 (which is an accomplishment in itself), but I am still not happy with the size I am. They say if you are not happy with something, change it- which is what I intend to do. I do not have a specific weight in mind, but more so just want to be happier with what I see in the mirror. Developing better eating habits and exercising more are my main focus for 2019.

Run a 5k

I have had the “Couch to 5k” app on my phone for years. The farthest that I have made it is week 5 of the program. This year I am going to complete the program and run a 5k all the way through.

Write More

As a child, I hated writing. My teachers would always force me into writing competitions. The quickest way to turn me off of something is by telling me I have to do it. I created this tumblr as an outlet for my thoughts. No one will probably read it and that is okay with me because I made this for me.

Do Well in School

I am back in school again applying to a dental hygiene program. For my first degree, I definitely goofed off and was not serious about college. I graduated with a degree in chemistry and mathematics, but I definitely struggled. This time around I am doing things the right way. Working in the dental field has always been a passion of mine, so I am determined to make that happen this year!

Read Michelle Obama’s Book

My best friend bought me “Becoming Michelle Obama” for my birthday. Mrs. Obama is one of the baddest of the baddies. I do not read as much as I should, so reading her book will definitely be a step in the right direction.

Here’s to day one of my journey.

xx💋

Song of the day because I’m only making the highlights all of 2019.

Two weeks ago, I turned 30 and at first I was dreading crossing that mile marker of life. Now I’m like, “Aye we in dis bish!” I spent my 30th birthday in Aruba with my best friend and had an amazing time enjoying “one happy island.” It was such a special experience that really helped to put a lot of unnecessary fears in perspective. 

Many of my excursions outside of the United States have been to the Caribbean. One thing I have noticed is that they know how to live life to the fullest. They make you feel like family even though five minutes ago you were strangers. They are living their BEST lives. I am working on having an “island mentality” even if I am not living on an island...yet 😉

Sure I am not where I thought I would be at this point, but I am ok with that. “Men plan and God laughs.” I am at a great place in life. I am happy and thankful for each and every new day. When this life is all said and done, I hope people look back and say, “That bitch livedddd!” Put it on my tombstone along with my high school “Best Smile” superlative😂 I do not, nor will I ever have all the answers to this thing called life, but honey you best believe that I will live it with no regrets. So here’s to the start of me conquering 30 and every lesson it bestows upon me in 2019!