not your hero

Flora flinched when she saw Freddy’s hand rising from her side. It almost seemed like the young woman was reaching out to touch her, but not really her — more like a phantom of her, a harsh shell of who she once was. For a split second, Flora wanted to reach back. To grab her hand. To weep and mourn and just breathe with the one person she had missed most over all those years, the one person whom she had cried out for in the dead of night when there was no one else to hear her.

But she didn’t. Instead, she stepped back sharply and let out a slow, shaky breath, eyes piercing into Freddy’s.

“You didn’t find me, though, Freddy. You abandoned me,” she hissed, knowing exactly how cruel she was being. “How can you even say you missed me?”

Freddy couldn’t help the recoil, as if burned as if that last shred of hope that things were okay was seared and mashed into the ground. It was small, impossibly so, that recoil but the Slytherin felt that bubble of pain in her belly and she wanted to cry. She cried so little-- it was childish, weak. But in the face of someone once so adored and grieved, she couldn’t help how it welled up and spilled down her pale cheeks, cutting through a little dust, and over the curve of long-forgotten nicks before settling in the corner of her mouth, pooling and hanging. 

“I didn’t abandon you!” there was a sharp pop of pain in her throat, as the words clawed through. “I tried to find you, I didn’t ... I thought you were gone, we all did,” everyone did, but not Freddy, not for a longtime. Her family had long given her up for dead before Freddy ever did, it took a beating to keep her from going back out. “How can you think I didn’t? How can you think I wouldn’t miss you every day, but I saw you, I tried to reach you. I couldn’t. I was weak,” she closed in on herself.

She asked the elves to give her some time alone in the kitchens, her heartbroken face an argument strong enough that they didn’t protest or remind her of breakfast, they just snapped out of the room, one by one until she was all alone. That’s when she started crying; at first small sobs, but the more she cried, the more she considered spending months without seeing her siblings, losing precious time with Henrietta, the harder she cried, her whole frame shaking.

A noise at the corner of the kitchen startled her, one of the students was there. Usually she had no problem with students trespassing in the kitchen, she wanted this space to be welcoming and comfortable for all. But being caught in a moment she thought was just hers made her uncomfortable. No, it made her angry.

“You shouldn’t be here!” she snapped at Freddy, holding tightly to one of the prep counters, her knuckles slowly turning white, “You are not supposed to be here.”

@freddyhax

Freddy was hungry and so tired, she had spent most of the day by the lake-- iced over while she threw rocks at a very annoyed squid who threw them back. At least she thought it was annoyed, maybe it was playing catch with her? It didn’t matter because the stupid thing beaned her in the head with some unerring aim. So she had decided to go the Hospital Wing, to make eyes at Holden before remembering again-- Holden was gone. With Hen in tow, and Freddy was feeling so... despondent, usually, it’d be her and Hen making trouble. Usually. But things were no longer ‘usual’ so instead Freddy went hunting.

Rather, scavenging would be a better word for it.. She was starving, and no-one ever prevented her from raiding the kitchens and taking whatever she could get her hands on. Sweets, meat pies, tea, bread, fruit, her eyes often bigger than her stomach. So finding herself being yelled at, by Miss Hufflepuff no less had her scurrying back, eyes wide.

“I’m sorry,” her hands were raised, one holding a meat pie, “I just, I was hungry, and I didn’t... I can usually be down here.”

In that moment, Flora only wanted to do two things: one, throw up, and two, scream.

No. No. 

“No…”

The word was breathless, tinged with something she couldn’t describe. It was cold, brutal, and cut sharper than the knife that had just fallen onto the cobblestone below them, and the sound that it made - both the knife and the word - echoed uncomfortably in the space between them. 

Flora didn’t know what to think - was she even thinking? Images of the past raced through her minds - her father, the woods, the village…

Freddy.

Suddenly, time seemed to stop, and in an instant she was able to identify the singular emotion that hung in her throat in that brief moment of recollection.

Hate.

“Clearly I’m not…Fredricka.”

The young warrior hadn’t frozen in years, she could remember clearly each time her head stopped, each time she flinched and was on the precipice of falling apart. But here, in the face of someone she long ago made a shaky horrible peace with their death, was standing clear as day, hale and so very alive. Freddy’s let out a tiny chocked noise before standing, uncomfortable, not knowing what to do exactly. Hug? Cry? Instead she picked up her knife, and her bread and tried to steady her anxious breaths and quickening heart. 

“I’m... what, how are you alive? I thought, I didn’t think-- I tried to find you,” she hadn’t gotten far, she’d gotten whipped for it. She was trapped in Haxon, while Flora was gone, trapped watching everyone she knew slowly fall apart at the seams, and until Hogwarts had been content with allowing it as well. Sewing up the missing bits and standing true to Haxon because it’s all she ever had since Flora was taken. “I... I missed you,” it was painful, it was a stark breath, and Freddy’s eyes filled, and it was so... strange, “I can’t believe this.” This strange beat in her chest, the throbbing of her throat, it made her ill. He hands lifted wanting to touch, to grasp Flora’s hands within her own and assure herself that Flora was really her and this wasn’t some waking daydream. 

“It’s probably for the best anyway, I forgot that I’m not going home for the Holidays.” She sighed, letting Freddy lean against her. She did miss her mother’s company, but Melanie was in Paris which seemed too far a journey. She had promised to visit in February when she returned to England. That seemed worlds away. “Just don’t let everyone at home take advantage of you, you’re still only seventeen, the holidays should be fun, not a chore.” It was only Melanie that had ever given Lucinda the holidays. “Oh, I don’t think you need to be a princess, you’re much better than someone whose only job is to look good and get married. I’m just saying if you want to look beautiful, I’m happy to help.” Freddy’s affection filled Lucinda’s heart, “Miss. Haxon, I believe you’re beginning to like me.” She teased, feeling for once that she wasn’t quite so alone. “Sorry I yelled at you.” She said, resting her head on top of Freddy’s. “And don’t worry, I won’t be going back to London any time soon.”

Freddy waved her hang at Lucinda, a small note of relaxation in her shoulders, tension slowly melting away in the curled up warmth of Luci’s body. “It’s not a chore... its just duty, things I have to do.” She was supposed to lead Haxon, she was born for a reason, and she loved her village, her forests, her cove, her druid family and her comrades. “I don’t know...” Freddy wasn’t a pretty girl, she was hard and boyish, softness was not something found in her face, nor in her manner. The small warrior flushed and pouted, “Of course I like you,” she looked away, “I don’t hate you, you’ve been... kind.” her skin was warm, not crawling and sticky like when people got too close. She coiled a little closer, a small bud of happiness in her chest. “Good, I like you here." a smile on her face, gentle and true, no smirk or reckless grin, or a bloodthristy beam.

Freddy’s perch was among her favorite, just above the courtyard, one of the many pillars that provided a small rafter like nest above the ground. She could watch everyone around the courtyard, quietly practicing magic, studying, flirting, playing, laughing. It was like being involved without being involved at all. So the young Slytherin took a knife to a chunk of wood, carefully nicking and peeling back the wood to find the core, shavings were falling and Freddy leaned forward to grab some food from the folded up kercheif. She hadn’t expected the chunk of bread to fall, and she jumped down, the knife still in her hand as she flicked it out to stab the chunk. Turning she dropped it, eyes blinking-- because this was a phantom, this was magic and her stomach began to turn over. 

“F-Flora?” it was a chocked off noise, one she hadn’t heard from her voice in a long while. “You’re dead,” it was a statement, a little bit of peace she made around the seventh kill during a battle, when she realized Flora was never going to come back, and the anger lost somewhere between the fourth or fifth switch on her shoulders. 

[ vikings being beaned by barrells ]

“I was hurt. I was fighting, as I had done for ten years and I was injured, I couldn’t fight anymore and for a long while I couldn’t even walk.” he stops, giving her time to digest the story before continuing.  “Not so exciting, right?”  he grinned, shaking his head,  “What sort of mead are you talking about? Even the most gruesome vikings will stop for good mead.”

Freddy blinked before nodding, “I know a few people like that,” her mind drew to Antony, who lost his arm during a battle and instead tended to the sheep, wielding a large staff as if it were a blade. “I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t walk...” lie down and die probably. The Slytherin girl laughed, “Oh I don’t know, I don’t like getting drunk, I do idiotic things when I drink. I suppose next time they come calling we can just drop caskets of mead on their heads, it’ll knock them out.” she couldn’t help but grin at the mental image.

He watched her move, admittedly not too concerned with how this fight might turn out for him. But her determination was something to certainly be admired, and would most likely serve her well in life— even if at times he knew if could also very possibly be her downfall. He snorted again in amusement at her words before saying. “I’m not going to say you’re wrong.” She was certainly light on her feet, but he still hadn’t made a move to attack as he went to dodge. If she was trying to get close that most likely meant he shouldn’t let her. Devoiding her of her preferred fighting style was step one. He could possibly just keep distance and dodging and she if she wore down, but he wasn’t sure of what her stamina was like. In an actual battle he would have advanced by now, but sparring one on one was more of a mind’s game than outright mob fighting was.

Freddy couldn’t help smirking at him, “I’m wrong quite a bit, but not about that,” she could admit that fault. She was always getting in over her head, always doing the wrong thing over the better option, but she’d never shied from anything. He kept moving around, and it was annoying, he was too strong for that, but she could keep up. Even still there was a pert smile on her face because this was fun, this was comfortable-- a blade in hand and an opponent, something to overcome. Something familiar in Hogwarts where she felt woefully out of place quite often. She false lunged with her blade, hoping to catch him off his step, and her knife was still a warm happy weight in her hand. “You’re quirk aren’t ya, most people might not think that cause you’re built like a wall.”

Lucinda sighed, “Parents can be tricky…sometimes they try. I hope whatever flaws your mother has are caused by the difficult circumstances she’s had to raise you in.” She put a hand on Freddy’s shoulder. “If you’d like to come home with me during some of the holidays I’m sure you could.” If home was really that dangerous, Lucinda would much rather have Freddy safe and sound. “Now, that’s not true, you take care of your wand don’t you? You don’t have to look nice, though, if you don’t want to. But, I’m sure there’s a little girl in there somewhere that wants to be a princess.” Lucinda teased, “I don’t mind helping you when you feel that.” Lucinda put an arm around Freddy, “I am proud, but vanity is something entirely different. I actually…” She grimaced remembering a frequent punishment, “I was very proud of my hair as a child. I even stole a comb once…but I got it cut off more frequently for misbehaving.” Melanie loved running her fingers through Lucinda’s hair, and had taken a lot of joy in its growing as long as it was now. “I think one thing I’ve learned at Hogwarts is that beauty isn’t a measure of value. You wouldn’t know it among those idiots in London.”

Freddy could only offer Lucinda a small smile, she didn’t want to think to much about her Mother, how she was raised, what home was like. Haxon was no heaven, but sometimes Freddy felt as though she crawled from hell and felt bad she was cloistered safely away behind stone walls. So Freddy shook her head, “I’m expected home, Winter is hard, I’ve learned a lot, I have to go back and help where I can. I’d... want to, but I can’t.” She could raise stone walls and fix their battlements with a swipe of her wand, she could stave off attack quickly. Freddy’s first reason was to keep Haxon alive and safe. “I doubt it, very much, maybe a warrior princess or something, but hardly a princess,” it couldn’t be, princesses were soft, naive, needing of being saved and Freddy could never be any of those things. But even still, she leaned into Lucinda’s touch, a small hum escaping her lips. “That’s stupid, your hair is pretty. You’re beautiful and smart, everyone else is dumb,” the young woman was stalwart in this new fact. “ Hogwarts is amazing,” she didn’t want to go back, it was good here, "if they're so dumb in London don't go back."

1.

Freddy had decided to brave the winter months, mounting the horse she had stabled for the fall she rode a week to Angelsey, for Haxon, for home. It was cold, snowing but the few warming charms she learned, and fire spells cleared the roads. Freddy feared little, as she stopped in small inns, bartering for housing in villages and farms. 

Riding over the snow-capped hills she let out a long steady breath as she moved into the large forest. She felt eyes on her back, dark and bright. The Druids that protected Haxon to the West had come to meet the lone mixed daughter of their line. Her cold shaking breath was the only sound, before a figure stepped from the trees.

Lucinda smiled back at her, “Your mother sounds like she cares a lot about you.” Though she didn’t know Freddy’s history, she hoped that was the case. “It’s not too difficult. If you’d like I can help you find some things you’d like, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way you’re dressed now.” Lucinda blushed at being called perfect. It was everything she wanted to be. “I think many of the nuns that raised me would say I am a vain girl.” They wouldn’t be wrong. “I have no qualms about teaching a girl. You have as much right as anyone else to know how to read.” 

Freddy’s smile was weak, “I suppose, she cares deeply for me,” it was hard to tell sometimes, she knew since she was young that Mavis never wanted to be a mother, but Freddy strived to make her proud nonetheless. “I don’t really know, nice things get ruined, I’m not good about taking care of things,” with a few exceptions, her horse, her weapons, her wand. “What’s wrong with being proud? Nuns are stupid, all those cloistered away people are out of touch with reality,” she snorted at the memory of one of the priests come to the village and looking so ill at ease on a horse that a wind spooked him and he fell. It was sad. “I promise to be the best student you’ve got,” she smiled, wide and excited, “I learn quickly, and I won’t waste any of your time.”

“I am sure that it is,” Abraxas agreed quietly, “however I don’t need you to go hunting for me, I’ve brought plenty of clothes with me and lots of furs. I’m more than capable of enchanting my clothes to keep more warm.” He paused and shrugged. “There is a difference,” he replied with a laugh, “you are not quite fully grown and therefore aren’t an adult. I am fully grown and therefore an adult. That is exactly the difference. Carpets and matts are both a form of furniture absolutely.” Pausing for a second, he quirked an eyebrow curiously, “You’ve never flown?” he was shocked, “Is that not a class they offer here?”

Freddy shrugged, “Alright that’s fine, just trying to be friendly or something. People keep saying I have to be nicer and less...” she thought, “bitey.” She had been told, several times, that playing with weapons and climbing in rafters was not approved in Hogwarts, and that challenging people to fights was frowned upon. “I am fully grown, I’m 17, an adult, I have a kill count,” why were people convinced she was some child, just because she lacked height didn’t make her any less adult, she crossed her arms over her chest, “The difference is how fancy you wanna be about it,” there was no swaying her opinion and this was a silly argument. “I’m supposed to learn next year, I have a lot of catching up to do, I’ve never been formally taught... anything.” she offered a quirked smile. “So no flying, yet,” she couldn’t help but think that it would quickly become her favorite thing in the world, “but I can’t wait.”

“I’m going to have to spend a fortune on furs to remain warm in what is perhaps the coldest place I’ve visited since Moscow,” he paused for a second and rubbed his hands together to try and warm them. “Mats are smaller than carpets, that is the main difference.” He paused for a second and laughed. “Outside of Egypt and the region surrounding the dead sea there is less Flying Carpets, as you moved north brooms become the prevalent method of magical flight.” He paused for a second and laughed. “Well, either way, I think I’m going to head inside.”

“If you want I could hunt in the forest, winter hunting is much more fun than in the summer, and get you some nice furs. Obviously for a barter or something. I don’t do things for free.” Freddy grew up hunting, foraging and doing so around the forests of Hogwarts was relaxing for her, the twang of a boy or setting of traps. “Then there isn’t much of a difference. I’m smaller than the other people around me, doesn’t make me any less of a people,” she grinned, “therefore, carpet, mat, same potato different color.” Freddy swung her arms behind her head, “I’ve never flown myself, I rode a horse to Hogwarts, I want to learn to fly but I’ve not gotten the chance. I don’t have a broom, or a mat or a winged horse. I think you’ll like the castle, it’s amazing, I’ve never seen anything like it. But then again this is the farthest I’ve ever been from home.”

He only gave an amused little smirk at her words, rather more focusing on where her body might go at the moment than any sound that came out of it. Still, he snorted when she proclaimed her to have the biggest cock in Hogwarts. But he waited to answer until he’d parried her attack and stepped away, much faster on his feet than he looked. Gunnarr hadn’t been named the greatest raider and warrior in his village for nothing. But he didn’t retaliate yet, still curious to see what it was that Freddy brought to the table. “I only hope all the other boys don’r get jealous.”

He was big, he was fast, he was a cocky walking mountain, she could see why he was so arrogant and still very alive. Freddy frowned but held her ground as she circled him, her sword tapping the ground, trying to figure his movements and her strategy. His reach was long, he was surely stronger than her, but was he faster. “I hope they get jealous, boys are stupid and arrogant and dumb. They only care about cocks and getting them wet.” she darted under his arm, letting her sword rise to catch his probably strike before flicking her hand out for a knife strapped to her belt. Stabbing close and neat was always an excellent idea.

Lucinda saw her fingers go to her hair and wondered if Freddy wasn’t a bit more girlish than she seemed. “Well if you want me to braid your hair and dress you up I wouldn’t object.” She saw the doubt in her eyes and sighed, “I know I’m not perfect, and that my way is not always the best one. That being said, I hope you can believe me when I say that you have many good qualities.” Her mind flitted to James who seemed determined to be self deprecating. She could see Freddy’s mind working and hoped it was in her favor. “It’s not difficult to get the hang of it. ” She said, back to reading, “It’s really about practice, which makes it frustrating, but I’m sure you’ll be able to handle it. It’s nothing compared to what you’ve already been through.” Lucinda smiled, “You’re very clever, I’m sure you’ll do well. And when you start to feel anxious just come find me and I’ll help you through it.” Lucinda laughed, “Well you must start by tolerating Mr. Arnorson. He is different from the invaders you have met.”

Freddy smiled, “My Mother used to braid my hair and brush it out when I was a girl, and I would wear dresses on holidays, but I don’t know how dressed up you would consider it.” their village was rich in farming, in cattle, they were the first line of defense for Holyhead, but that didn’t mean gold, which meant that everything she owned was rough-spun and ‘nice’ was a hard concept until she came to Hogwarts and saw silks and dresses and beautiful armors, furs, and jewelry. “You seem perfect sometimes... but maybe it’s because I’m just so...” the woman waved her hand, churlish, uncultured, came to find “but I like you, even when you’re angered at me for tracking in mud and getting into fights.” Freddy had a very different life she had quickly learned, and Hogwarts was still hard to acclimate to and she was suspicious of it in the way only she could be. Trust was a hard notion. “I tried when I was taking lessons, but I don’t think they were happy about teaching a girl, but my mother has a lot of sway, after all, we could just one day not fight in the invaders and let them overrun,” not that they would, but it was quite the threat that Freddy used when ti came to mouthy nobles who rode through their village. She wasn’t afraid to threaten them, they needed to leave Haxon alone or at least offer aide. “Fine, I’ll tolerate the blonde bear man, I won’t try and kill him. But I’m going to keep fighting him, I need the practice while I’m here. Tts fun and cannot get rusty and let one of those stupid Vikings take my head or tote me off.”

“No-” Holden was almost at lost for words, almost. He was getting increasingly worried, and not for Freddy’s friendship with his sister, but for the girl herself. “Hogwarts will not allow anyone to kill you, I can assure you of that. Nevertheless, life is not without accidents if you are not careful. Should trouble finds you, then, please come find me. I will do my best to help, that is all.” 

“I have been told that,” she was still unsure that it wasn’t true, a place that no-one died and that it was relatively safe was odd. “I think you’ll have your hands full, I find myself in trouble often. My comrades from back home say it’s a bit of a curse, I always find myself in hot water for reason or another,” her Mother, Mavis, said it was her high spirit and magic that made her so unruly, but Freddy was unsure. “I don’t mean to, but it seems to happen.” she couldn’t ever seem to back down. 

[ brb inviting the vikings to tea ]

That’s what got through to her? Techniques to gut people? “Sword. But, I wasn’t half bad with a bow back in my day. But, I left it all in the past.” looking down at her, he tried to imagine what sort of village she came through, a formidable warrior? Sure, she had the spunk but she was so young and tiny. “I believe the most important thing to know is how to quickly defuse a situation so you don’t need to kill anyone.”

“Why?” Freddy blinked up at him, why would anyone who wasn’t grey and ancient just stop fighting. “You’re not that old? I’m not as good with a bow, but I prefer getting in close.” she struggled with the patience of being an archer, it was a failing she needed to fix. “’Defuse the situation?’ Like when someone comes to raid your home you go ‘Hey maybe could you not rape and pillage, we have a spot of mead and talk it out’ while they start swinging axes. That’s just silly.”

“Maybe later,” he said instead of actually doing so. “Wouldn’t you rather focus on killing me for now?” Half a grin was on his lips, still amused by the scrap of human in front of him. His relaxed stance quickly turned into one of readiness as he began to circle her. She hadn’t struck yet, but he figured he would let her first. Or at least try and goad her into doing so. Part of him wondered if that’s what she was attempting with her own teasing words. But he only laughed before saying, “So then what does your sword say about you? That you’re hiding an enormous one?”

“I don’t need to focus on killing you, I can beat you with both my eye missing and no-sleep,” she watched as he circled her, her sword drawn as she began to spin it gently, keeping limber and moving-- a small moving target was hard to kill. She knew that. “Yes it does.” she took a step forward with a grin, “The biggest cock in Hogwarts,” she stabbed out one-handed with her blade, aiming for his wirst and moving her feet to get to his side. She’d stab him and it’d be easy.