I feel like one of the conversational skill failures itâs really easy to fall into is assigning the other person an opinion, rather than asking what their opinion is. This kind of inherently puts them on the back foot, which is uncomfortable, so people donât like it.
Starting a conversation by informing the other person that you KNOW their feelings, and you are acting based on the feelings you assume they have, without giving them a chance to tell you what feelings they ACTUALLY have⌠No one likes this!
You may have learned it from your parents doing it to you, in which case I can only imagine you didnât like it either, but you still internalized it as an acceptable mode of communication because we are always internalizing stuff from our parents even though we donât like it. Itâs kind of a quintessential passive-aggressive parent move: âwell, you never want to help me, you donât appreciate everything I do for youâ etc. It puts the addressee in the position of defending themselves and their actual feelings instead of inviting them to SHARE those feelings.
People generally find it easier and more pleasant to converse with you if you go into it with an attitude of curiosity rather than what is essentially a power-play. Assigning your interlocutor an opinion based on your assumptions about their internal experience expresses an unconscious sense that you believe you are and should remain in control of the conversation. But friendly conversations arenât really supposed to be about control.
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