where is my mind

Oh, you English folk, you think sentimental compliments are meant to be some sort of backhanded insult. I happen to like the fact that you’re essentially a teddy bear. Of course you can be mean, I’ve seen the way you look at handsy gentlemen in bars. But you know, don’t tell anyone or anything, but you’re not so bad, Freds. I wouldn’t have you any other way. And yes, I’m telling the truth and buttering you up. Just the girls you associate with, anyway. Love, she has a diamond ring on her finger and she still picks up the scent of plane tickets in our back pockets. She’s liable to hide our passports one of these days. Mhm, luckily we’ve got the rest of our lives to smother each other in sickeningly sweet compliments, don’t we? Til then, you’re still in trouble for allowing me to leave the house looking like this. 

Mm, what a couple of miserable softies we are, eh? No wonder Bambi makes fun of us all the time. Oooh, well then, aren't I a lucky guy, surrounded by a myriad of weird women. Ugh, but I suppose territorial French women are the least of your worries now, hm? We still have a good chunk of time before you can even leave this bloody city. Aww, am I really still in trouble? Come on now, little bird.

You could never convince me that you don’t have a heart, Jim Dear, you’re far too big of a softie towards every person you meet. Which is a good trait, despite the way you wrinkle your nose whenever I point that out! Mm, your head is one of my favorite places to be, though, I love watching the way those wheels work. Ah, most of Daisy’s wardrobe is made up of items you’d be amused to see her in… I’m sure if you couldfind a shirt that said ‘Mommy’s Boyfriend is the best’, you’d have it on her in a second. Well, my sister has dated a Paolo, and a Roberto and all those exotic stock names. But then she points out that I married a guy who wore polo shirts to every big event I ever had, so we all make bad choices. Point is, I came to my senses, and I’m sure Arya will come to hers eventually. Mm, bless you for that, I don’t think Bambi can see us leave for London again, she’s liable to burst. Oh, god, really? Don’t make me flatter your ego with all of the reasons why I’m not only incredibly lucky to date a ‘bloke like you’ but also why I’m never letting you go. 

'Softie' is meant to be a compliment! Right, that's up there next to callow and weak-willed, eh? I can be mean, thank you very much. Well, see, that's what the Union Jack is meant to imply. Her father will probably have me assassinated, but it'll be worth it. So, the lesson is that girls are weird? Speaking of Bambi, I've come up with a way to get us to London without ruining her day. See, we get her something expensive and shiny, and then while she's marveling it, we can slip away to our plane. It'll work, I'm certain. Aw, but that's the entire point of my self-deprecation, innit it? Getting you to flatter me.

Ooh, I knew it, so you really do think I’m a travesty, don’t you? Where’s the hidden cameras then? Naturally, this relationship only exists as some sort of reality show hoax, I’m convinced it! Of course tea triumphs coffee… I tried to go back to coffee, but you’ve turned me on to the beneficial wonders of tea. As you so often remind me, “coffee stunts your growth." Was that a good accent? Am I getting better? Oh, but you’re always critical of the guys Arya dates, so that’s hardly anything. You don’t have to lie to your mum, though, we could go. I’m trying to convince her that I’m a nice, normal American girl that can totally be trusted with her son, and I don’t think she’s quite won over yet. 

See, I'm far too good a liar. It's why I'm a poet. There's actually just a swirling vortex of nothing beneath this chest here, even less so up here in this head of mine. Oh, spot on, love. We only need to find you a Union Jack shirt and you'll be set. Mostly because I may or may not have already gotten Daisy one. I am not always critical of them! I just think Paolo is a bloody stupid name! Honestly, what would you say if your sister started dating some artist named Paolo? Ugh, nooo. I'd rather stay in New York. Oh, sod that for a laugh, I think she quite likes you. In fact I think she's mostly just confused about why you're seeing a bloke like me and frankly, I can understand the feeling.

Well, I am a small, strange woman, so I’m liable to think that your entire statement was rooted in truth! Also, nobody looks cute in pyjamas… I mean, you do, but you’re the exception to everything —- I don’t like anybody in the mornings, but you’re more vital to me than a cup of coffee. What’s the last thing you’ve ever lied about? I mean, present situation aside. Mm, of course not, silly Brit.

Ahh, that's the secret, isn't it? A little bit of truth in the lie, more realistic that way. That may be, but your pyjama-clad self is more vital to me -- and the world, if I may be so bold -- than a cup of tea, which, I think you can agree, trumps coffee any day. Last thing I lied about? Hm. I told Arya that her new bloke seems nice. Between you and I, he seems like a bit of a cad. Oh, I agreed with my mum that I'd be visiting soon. Definitely a lie, that one.

You know, you’re very good at plenty of things - writing, drawing, pulling brownies out of the oven at the exact moment when they’re a bit soft but not too fluffy - but you’re an awful liar. C’mon, tell me a lie right now, see if I believe it. As if that’s very hard to do to me, especially as far as you’re concerned.

A lie? Hm. Okay. I think you're terrible. Downright awful, really. You're a small, strange woman who does not look obscenely hot in her pyjamas. I dunno, darling, I think I'm a damn proper liar. Mm, no complaints here.

I think somebody is trying to soften me up because they insisted that I would be fine leaving the house in my sweats… but it’s working. Damn those eyes.

Who? Me? Why, I surely resent that, Miss Waters. You know I only pull out the curses when it's gravely important. You, your sweats, and your pout are very important... And also, yeah, I'm softening you up.

So the age old myth is true —- you really do run into people you know the one time you decide to go to the market in sweats. Brilliant.

Do you have any idea how bloody adorable you look, pouting in your sweats?

And then you wonder why you’re left huffing and puffing whenever we go out for a run? Luckily, you can keep your extremities for the time being, I’ve got one for you. Is everything okay? Usually, you just bargain your fingers and toes for cigarettes.

That is because I'm out of shape, thank you very much. Ah, that's brilliant, I knew I loved you for a reason. Oh, yeah, darling, everything's good, I've just been cutting back on my cigarettes a bit lately and it appears that they're tied directly to my sanity. Anyway, how about you? Your day going all right?

Keep talking like that, and we’ll end up as Mr. Tomato and Mrs. Beet - sounds like a children’s book, so long as you omit the source material of it all. Well, there are sequels, aren’t there? I’m just keeping it fresh in your mind! So, let’s see, I say we pick up with the scene involving those ties.

Pfft, that's good, a book about Mr. Tomato and Mrs. Beet who are inherently red from talking about... salad. Until they get so viciously red that they finally have really dirty... salad. Eat your greens, kids! Mm, no complaints here, darling. Hmmm, yes, I think that can be arranged. I'll need all of the rehearsal I can get before the next picture comes along, after all.

What can I say? I’m fond of the color red - especially in the cheeks of Englishmen. Well, one in particular anyway. And hey, who says I’m not just helping you get in character? Remember the first time we read through your script - now that was a delight.

Nyeh, I prefer it in American women myself. One in particular. Helping me get into character after the picture's been filmed? That's a brilliant idea actually, very method.

See, you call it terrible, I just call it thinking outside of the box! Expanding your horizons and all that, this is really more of an education for us.

No, I think you call it making the poor Englishman blush until he finally turns into a tomato.

So, you do get to keep props from the set, right? You know, just wondering.

Terrible. You're simply awful, I'm not sure that I tell you enough, Miss Waters.

I don’t know. I’ve heard those are hard to get. Did you show your ass? Then was it side ass or a full view? They are very particular about how it thrusts to. You need just the right amount of jiggle.

Oh, god, the right amount of jiggle. Miss Silvestri, I commend you for being able to say that with a straight face. Now I'm worried about my possible extensive jiggling! I really should've made a personal sex tape or something for practice.

Only if I get to make fun of you for winning a Woody.

God, that would happen, wouldn't it? Just for the laugh. Frankly, though, I've got my eye on an AVN award. Fingers crossed eh?