Lately I've been fighting against myself, or at least it feels like so, but I realized I am actually fighting against insecurities, against disconnection of my own self, I have the knowledge of dozens of books of psychological topics, even philosophical, I understand what's happening inside of me I understand why I am like this, I understand what I am supposed to do, but I just can't feel it, I can't make it mine, I can't experience it, I can't make it part of my identity, part of my own foundation, I can't feel it as who I am.
"Fake it till you believe it", doesn't work for me, if every day I wake up it feels like a new start, new me, as starting from cero, if I became a confident and magnetic person the day before and felt as if I was in total control the next day I just lose all the progress and I have to start again, learn again, get confident again, get comfortable again, trust in myself again, find the exact way to flow naturally, sometimes it happens, and some days I get stuck in the middle of the process just for it to restart again the next day.
Years of this, a whole life, dreaming of a constant comfortable feeling, wishing for a constant flowing state.
So many experiences, so many people, so many pages read, so many stories to tell, to still feel the same as a few years ago, and even more numb, more afraid, less me.
Some days I think I understand the pattern, I feel I understand what is missing, and I get to the idea of faith, I am lacking self trust. That's it, because I am smart, wise, conscious, empathetic, aware, I am capable of doing hundreds of things that thousands would wish for, I have achieved many things that could be the dream of most people.
I "should" already be "that" person I dream of to be but I am not there still... Or maybe I am and I haven't realized.
I like to think it is like that, and that the only thing that's missing is faith in myself, believe in who I am and what I know.
But who do I do that if every time I wanna be me and flow my mind goes blank, my anxiety appears and I become awkward, insecure and extremely aware of my surroundings and every single detail. I stop feeling myself, I enter in a spiral of trying to get out of this trap, over and over again, I have tried to accept it, to sit with it and make friends with this whole situation but it doesn't work, I tried to be "okay" with that and recognize me as that person who closes himself against his will, but, what the hell?, that would never make me feel better, accepting someone I know I am not, accepting to forget the person who I have shown myself I can be.
It is frustrating to not find a way out.
I have also thought that maybe I am focusing so much on trying to "fix" something that doesn't really exist is the root of the problem, that maybe if I just avoid all these "self support" ideals, books, processes, etc, then all of this will stop existing... And to be honest it does help, but I have also thought about the idea that being this aware of my own mind and literally thinking about my thoughts is who I am and trying to avoid it wouldn't be the good way to do it, maybe I am condemned to live like this, to see and feel life not as I would like to.
I just keep wishing for the day when I could enjoy life without being so restricted with being real and natural instead of being so fucking conscious about what should I be feeling, what should I be thinking, what should I be saying.
