the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix.

oh god anon, i’m not strong, at least i don’t feel like i am; i’m constantly crying when i’m in pain and… just, i don’t know i wish i could do “this” better. but woah, thank you for thinking so. your message is all i needed to read. 

let’s hug!

once again, it’s been a long time. i suppose that’s how things are now. i missed being here a lot and i’m glad i could log in today. 

things have been a little crazy and messy with me lately. i’ve been in a lot of pain (again). i had to go to the hospital for a few days and it was the worst. i had no rights to move. all i could do was lay firmly on my back in bed. all of the pain i had been suffering was coming from new metastases crushing vertebras on my back. it was really bad. so they made me a medical corset and now i’m able to get up and walk a little. but most of the time i have to use the wheel chair. i’m exhausted because of the pain meds, they make me foggy. walking gets easier day by day but very difficult. The corset is hard to wear and most of the time i feel like i’m trapped inside my own body. hopefully my doctors are considering some surgery to fix my vertebras. it would let me out of the corset and the wheel chair, so i’m crossing my fingers, i hope it can be done and soon. i also had to stop my treatment because of bad blood tests. it’s been 3 weeks now but things are looking better. my doctors are going to change a few things and hopefully i can start again soon. 

this message makes no sense at all. i’m sorry. i just randomly said everything that came into my mind. 

i miss all of you and your kind words. i also want to thank everyone who messaged me. i will answer you back in a moment. thank you. thank you. you have no idea how precious your support is in all of this. i love you all.

thank you, adorable anon! today’s the day to be brave. I have an appointment with my oncologist this afternoon, regarding my new treatment. i’m so nervous and i feel so emotionally weak. i wish i could pretend that there were no appointment… that i could stay in bed and close my eyes, wishing it would all go away on it’s own. i’ll try to put on my brave face at least :) 

take care of you sweetie. 

with love,