heart on my sleeve

“Every once in a while I’m hit with a wave of yearning, I miss those grey, rainy Friday afternoons leaving class, running across the street to beat the oncoming cars, wind throwing brown leaves across the sidewalk. Our heads bent, braced against the cold, boots splashing in puddles, huddled together in turtlenecks giggling over weekend plans and not a care in the world except what kind of wine to drink with dinner.”

“I lie awake some early, early mornings, before the pink citrus glow of dawn, just as the birds have begun to chirp and call, listening to gentle rain and wonder just what it is that makes this life so painfully beautiful.”

In those slightly grey moments when hopelessness threatens to take over, remember the simple things, the tiny little miracles that make this life so beautiful. Remember that the sun rises and slips below the horizon every day in a mirage of color so breathtaking sometimes we have to stop and stare. Remember that some twist of fate in the universe put your best friend in your life, and if it hasn't yet, it will lead you to the person who will love you more than you ever thought possible. Remember the laughter you've heard, the smiles you've caused, the hands you've held and the warm embraces you've dissolved into. Remember the vibrancy of a garden in the spring, the calm of the waves crashing on the shoreline, the feeling of the sun on your bare skin. And remember how very lucky you are to be alive, to experience the ups and downs that come with our human existence, to love and be loved.

There was something undeniably magnetic about her; you caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of your eye and you just had to stare, if only for a few seconds.

Those sweet autumn days of bright blue skies and sunshine, orange and yellow and red leaves starting to cover the ground. The air is crisp and cool but the sun still warms your skin and there is promise in the air. New beginnings and a clean slate and perhaps most wonderfully, the warmth of familiarity as you step out into the world.

Those unexpected, simple moments of happiness. The ones that catch you off-guard, that make you remember life doesn't have to be an elaborate story of wild adventures and torrid affairs. Just a drive at the end of the day, the setting sun blinding you but you don't blink, singing along to a song so familiar and unburdened, taking you back to the day ten years ago when you danced to it with your childhood best friend in your underwear. Trying to tell a funny story, but laughing and laughing and laughing, and it's too hard to form complete sentences without dissolving into giggles again, your stomach clenched and it's hard to breathe but you don't want to stop because laughing like an idiot feels so so good. The equal joy that comes from closing your eyes and letting the sunshine soak into your skin in July, from standing in the middle of the sidewalk in December when the first snow makes the world go silent. Falling asleep in the arms of a sweet-eyed boy who looks at you like no one ever has before, and when you wake up he's snoring softly beside you, and for a few moments you understand all the love songs. Making someone smile when they're sad, teasing out laughs until all of their tears are dry. The feeling of a hug from your mom, whether the last one was a day ago or a year ago.  Those peaceful, content little moments, mundane things that you so easily could blink away, but you don't. You can't. Soak them up, revel in them for just a few seconds. Tiny little moments you can't quite pinpoint when you look back, I think, are what make life so worth living.

Some simple things that remind me of brilliance of the world and the beauty of being alive: - How no two sunsets are the same but I stand transfixed by every single one - The serenity and calmness I feel in the mountains - The way being by the ocean or sea makes me feel like I am a part of something much bigger than I will ever see - The night sky lit up by millions of stars in perfect clarity - The buzz I feel in my favorite city, how alive it makes me feel to be surrounded by thousands of strangers

Loss and heartbreak, more than any other experience, teach you about the integrity of human souls. About the integrity of your soul. So while you will cry and feel like you will never be whole again, you will come out stronger on the other end. Because you will get through it, I promise. With the love of your family and friends, with the kindness of strangers, with the peace you feel when you realize that you are capable of incredible things. Breathe, rest, and know you will be okay. There is nothing as miraculous as a human soul.

Above all, be kind. Be so wonderfully, effortlessly, selflessly kind that you inspire others to live life the same way.

You are not a fleeting moment or a passing glance. You are the sun rising and setting, the moon glowing each night. You are the tides crashing ceaselessly on white sand. You are permanence in its grandest form. You are anything but ordinary.

He fell in love with her one morning without warning, without prelude. Standing at the stove in a t-shirt two sizes too big, hair piled on top of her head, barefoot and swaying to the tune she hummed. She flipped a pancake too early and the batter flew everywhere, splattering the ceiling, the walls, the floor, her face. And she just laughed, doubled over and loud, and he realized that was the sound he wanted to hear for the rest of his life.

Those moments of absolute silence, just you and the wind and the rustling of the leaves, birds ten feet up, too high to see. Those moments have the ability to cripple you, terrify you, make you feel like you're the only person on the planet. Don't let that happen. Take those moments for what they were meant to be, moments of stillness, serenity, a calmness we don't encounter too often. Feel it wash over you, just as welcome as the sunshine, those moments of just you and the silence.

Wait for it. Chase down the sunset and wait for it. Wait for a thunderstorm after a hot day, let the rain cool your sunburned skin. Wait in the car an extra couple minutes to let your favorite song finish playing, and scream every word. Wait for a friend who really gets you, wait for the boy whose arms feel like home. All those happy little moments and all those big beautiful things in life, love and friendship and the feeling of forever, they're worth waiting for.

I can't wait for the day when you meet the person who makes you smile bigger, laugh harder, love more than you ever have. Not the person who completes you; you were already complete. The person who makes you realize life is so much more beautiful than you thought it could ever be.

I live for the small moments, the ones you can't quite pinpoint when you look back on them, but the ones that feel so good to live through. The first warm day of the year, the sun soothing the goosebumps on your skin. Hugging your parents after a long time apart. Laughing so hard and so long you forgot why you started laughing to begin with. Dancing to your favorite song with your best friends. Falling asleep in his arms feeling safer and calmer than you have all day. Getting enveloped in a new book. Meeting someone and instantly clicking with them. These aren't moments we look back on and remember for the rest of our lives. These aren't the moments we retell to our friends and children. They're little pieces of the beautiful story of our lives, tiny little indescribable moments that are so easily forgotten but so happily lived. The little moments that make us human.

I catch little glimpses of you everywhere I go. The corner of your smile on a passing stranger, a flash of the blue of your eyes in a crowded room, a voice that sounds so much like yours that I stop dead in my tracks. I hear your humor as people laugh in coffee shops and I see your kindness every time I see a person on the street go out of their way to help someone. And while I used to flinch away from smiles that look like yours, used to shut my eyes at the chance of seeing yours, I've realized that only makes it worse. Now I return those smiles and I take a few extra moments out of my day to hold the door, to buy a stranger's coffee, to pick up the book someone dropped in their hurry.

She felt everything very deeply. Happiness like sunshine in her bones, hurt like white hot burns across her skin, anger like a red hot fire beneath her feet. But no one knew, looking at her serene face; no one knew of the storm just beneath the surface. She walked away with a coy smile, nothing more, nothing less; impassive, composed, mysterious in a way that was indescribable.