Foster What?

I’ve started being open with the kids about the fact that a judge is going to decide if we should adopt Baby Henry

Greta is my most strong-willed, dramatic child, so it makes sense she’d have the strongest reactions:

Don’t I remember how perfect it was with just the three of us, Baby Henry is very annoying and touches her toys and sometimes he bites her, and no she doesn’t not want him here FOREVER

And also, 24 hours later, she loves him so much and even though she doesn’t always like him, she wants him to be safe because he is her brother

Me explaining he will always be her brother, no matter what happens, and nothing is definite yet (and also little brothers are generally annoying)

I also have a little brother who can be annoying, but despite my interest in mailing him away in a box when I was four, it was never a genuine possibility that he could just…go away

Just remembered I’m the tooth fairy

I guess small blessings?

Not that they committed the crimes, but rather that the fact they are engaging in such dangerous behavior can now be shared at the rescheduled trial (if DCFS actually pulls police reports)

My only concern is we have had no consistent case management and the documentation is wrong in their system. I forwarded info last week so they could prepare for trial. Info they should have already had (I previously copied them on all emails).

DCFS is confused because the parents haven’t added any character witnesses to their list. Maybe they would if I was listed. They’re refusing to sign an agreement, they are fighting, but they’re not building a strong case. The last two times I did this, the parents called tons of people to say how great they were.

They are both going to testify, which means they will both lie on the stand. I can only hope this judge is astute enough to see through BS. This family knows how to work the system and years of manipulation have occurred. They will say what needs to be said to get their kid back. Let’s just hope someone has verified. Because what they say always sounds really good but it does not ever align with reality. There are pending federal charges, but someone will need to pull police reports to put them into the record. They don’t always remember to pull police reports.

I should be very, very clear for anyone reading this who hasn’t followed our story — I am pro-reunification. I have reunified kids. But this is the third child I am parenting from the same family and since I met them over a decade ago nothing has changed. They have been given every opportunity — free housing, free job training, free parenting classes, free therapy, etc. And there are still violent charges over and over and they do not shield their kids. The kids are in the middle. They are not safe.

Then I realized how much the conversations with the defendant and her parents feel like a foster care administrative review panel. That’s when all the parties come together (birth parents, foster parents, child welfare, community volunteers) to supposedly be a set of third party eyes on the case and make recommendations.

One party asking reasonable questions while the other party makes excuse after excuse, never takes responsibility (even when faced with proof), parties and lives their life after causing irreparable harm because nothing is ever their fault.

It will probably take 2+ years

And other relatives are coming out of the woodwork

I mean, provided no one is sick or has a legal conflict or decides eh, no thanks.

We are 18 months into this case. Baby Henry’s second time in foster care. Goal is still technically adoption but goals mean next to nothing in my state.

We are far off from the federal recommendations, but what else is new. Except apparently New Judge is a stickler for policy. So I’m wondering if she will ask DCFS to move forward with TPR.

Of course, New DCFS attorney and New Social Worker may delay things yet again.

Part of me feels distant from Baby Henry. I care about him a lot, I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, I know I am committed to him staying here however long he needs. But there’s more of a distance than with my other kids.

Maybe it’s because there is so much uncertainty and I’m much more hardened by foster care now. So the desperation and relief of the early years of fostering have been replaced by resignation? Maybe that’s maturity or maybe it’s disillusionment.

Baby Henry has already reunified once, which failed badly. He’s been in my home for 18 months this time, but he could still reunify. If a safe reunification was possible, I truly think I’d be okay with that. I’d be sad, but not devastated. That makes me wonder…

But parents do love their kids differently. I know people like to say they love all their kids equally, but research has repeatedly shown that’s not actually true. You can love all your kids, but you can’t love them all identically, simply by virtue of the fact that they’re not the same person.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, maybe the fact that a newborn is likely joining this drama makes the reality of forever more likely? But I also believe nothing.

And, my god, what happens if that baby is removed? What happens if she stays?

I was aware of Satanic Panic already, which aligns with the time period and is mentioned in one episode of the documentary, but not the reality of what else was going on in family courts at the time. Or that there was an entire network that smuggled women and children through safe houses across the United States.

Did her organization go off the rails? In part, absolutely. But my response to the documentary is definitely different than it would have been before I started fostering. I have seen the system and courts fail so many children. Should children be smuggled across the country? Ideally no. Would her system have been better run by trained child psychologists? Yep. But when the family courts haven’t improved much since the 1980s, it’s truly disillusioning.

As a side note, the documentary makes a great point about how parental alienation syndrome isn’t scientifically proven and shouldn’t be used to blindly make custody decisions. Yet, guess who was accused of that on the stand during an endless TPR trial.

I support reunification, I support safe family building and education, I don’t support throwing the same resources over and over for 10 years, constantly restarting the clock, and giving parents endless chances when their children have no choice but to live in their consequences.

Speaking of consequences, I’ve learned there basically are none. You can damage your child for life, break state and Federal laws, get arrested and charged over and over and over and over, and then the state dismisses because the prosecution wasn’t ready or they don’t have enough state appointed attorneys and the charges get dropped.

One parent has over forty charges in the last ten years and has never served a day in jail. Why wouldn’t you break the law if there are zero genuine repercussions?

Greta (7): You’re a king.

Baby Henry: No! I a queen.

Greta: Boys can’t be queens.