My Infertility/FosterCare Journey

I found the answer to my question. Although this doesn't change or fix anything it gives me focus. So although I am probably about to lose the lil guy who has captured my heart I realize how blessed I am to have been there for so many of his first and to be able to be his mama.... even if it wasn't as long as I wanted.....

So I need suggestions from anyone who has had an adoption fall through or long term placement leave...... Dad is out of the picture for little man since he has done little of what he was supposed to. But the family has now stepped up and is planning on taking him. We visited with our caseworker last night and she has found nothing that will stop this from going forward unless they agree to an open adoption with the promise of visitation..... So we need to figure out some ways to help us heal once he leaves. All suggestions welcome.....

So lil' man had his first visit with bio dad yesterday. He's had little to no interaction during the 2 medical appointments that he has attended. Needless to say lil man wanted nothing to do with him. Visitations are set for a time when DH and I are both at work so the social worker picks him up and brings him to DSS for the visit. Lil man is just over a year old now and has had more contact with the people I work with than his bio dad. My question is, with 1 hour a week visitation how long before lil man is comfortable with his dad? The social worker said lil man wanted nothing to do with him and cried every time she put him down.

Got the text message yesterday at 645 that lil mans bio dad confirmed the visit. Because he hadn't shown for the last one the SW said she wouldn't get lil man from daycare unless dad showed. 5 minutes after schedule time I get a message, no bio dad..... 10 minutes late.... still not here.....15 minutes late...... no visit..... But now it's the mix of emotions.... happy things went in our favor, sad that that includes a fabulous little boys family can't get it together for him...... I don't know how it's possible to feel these things simultaneously.......

So.... lil mans dad has shown up to 2 doctors apt but not a visit yet. He's supposed to confirm the night before and usually the SW lets me know the night before so I can plan bc lil mans scheduled visit is at the same time as his breakfast at daycare.... I don't know if the appointment is on or not. I've been up since 230 am because of this. Do I ask them to feed him early, do I not say anything since I don't know. I hate changing his schedule this late in the game. He has developed stranger anxiety at daycare. With 2 new babies in his room that's not good. Every time a new adult walks in the room he melts down, screaming and crying. When we had our monthly visit with the SW on Monday he was quiet and I don't think he ever even smiled which is unusual. My heart is breaking for this little guy who has had no say in anything that has happened in his short little life......

I don't know why I ever expect anything to go the way I want when it comes to children. I'm really beginning to feel like God is punishing me. We have spent 9 amazing months with this little one. Now 1 y/o but he stole my heart at just 3 months. We have loved him since day one. The SW told us it was most likely going to end in adoption. The end of October she actually put us in contact with the adoption SW since mom had relinquished and dad had not completed the DNA testing and swore he was not the dad. Well.... some how the courts ordered this man to take the DNA test. Even had him arrested to make him take it. Of course he's the father. And now he wants his child. 4 weeks after he said this in court and all of a sudden yesterday he shows up for a doctors apt. It's the first time he has ever seen his son who turned 1 a week ago. And now he's blowing up my phone asking what he needs. And I know I'm being selfish in some ways but the only person this little boy knows is me and my husband. He doesn't even remember the first foster home he was in. Even though we still visit them he cries any time they try to hold him. This boy needs nothing because we thought we were going to get to adopt him. He doesn't need anything because we are blessed enough to be able to provide all his wants and needs. No the only person who needs anything right now is me. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I don't know how my heart is going to be able to let this little boy go. Actually this isn't true. This little boy doesn't know this man and is afraid of strangers right now. How are you going to rip this boy from all he knows. How are you going to put him through this massive upheaval at this point in his life.

Got the call the other night for a 2 y/o being removed from relative placement. Planning for only 5-6 weeks with expectation of relative placement, not sure if it's the same or another at this point. He is in a temporary placement until we return from the beach Thursday (they want to keep him in the same daycare as his speech is delayed and he is doing well in current day care which is over 20 mins from temp and right by were our 9mo fs is). I have never had a 2 yo. Babies I get but what do I need to k ow about 2 s?

I will always remember, love and cherish every moment I was pregnant with each of my angel babies.....

I've been attempting to write this for over a week but I never seem to have a minute to sit but I will take the time today..... A week and a half a go I sat in the court room for the first time for my foster son's case.... Expecting only a judgement in regards to starting TPR on unknown father..... What I experienced was more emotional than I was prepared for.... As I sat the lawyers called an officer to retrieve sever people who were in custody. Last names only and I was oblivious.... Then they said full names and I realized they were calling lil' man's mom..... Totally unexpected. The look on my face must have said it all bc the SW turned around and asked if I was ok...... I saw her for the first time. Nothing like what I was expecting but of course I don't know that you could ever be prepared to see a person in an orange jump suit and shackles let alone the one who gave birth to the joy I care for everyday..... This was enough to make my eyes tear up as I felt pain for this woman.... This was nothing compared to what was to come however. I sat and watched as this woman filled out the papers to relinquish parental rights to her son.... And nothing compared to when I would be introduced to her..... And the confusion that followed when she did not once ask about him...... In my heart I hope and pray that it was bc it would be to difficult to hear about him....... And that's how I choose to remember that....

This little boy.... He smiles and laughs in his sleep... Doesn't get more precious than this. His favorite car game is to laugh so we laugh.... Did it for over 10 straight minutes yesterday it was awesome! Then this morning he was falling asleep in my arms and out of nowhere his eyes pop opens and he has this huge smile on his face and promptly falls back to sleep. My heart has been stolen.....

Lil man had his first trip on an airplane yesterday. We made it through security with lots of comic relief from my vantage point as I watch my stroller go one way and the bottle with formula go another..... Watching 3 men handle a bottle like its a possible weapon of some sort just struck me as funny. Lil man was so aware of everything and everyone around him and in aw by the hustle and bustle that is the airport. Then we board the plane and with a little help offer by another mom to have her husband arrange the car seat and stroller for me we stepped on the plane and was met by the "oh crap" look of a twenty something guy who was to be seated right next to us. He was helpful and put my bags in the overhead for me. It was a struggle holding him and dealing with the bags. We sat as the rest of the plane boarded and he quickly move to a vacant seat across the aisle....... So lil man and I had the more space row all to ourselves! He of course passed out during take off and didn't wake until after we de boarded after everyone else.... The man then told me how impressed he was and said I must have put a lot of planning into it.... Nope. Just a little luck and a great kid 🙃 The car ride to my aunts house is a totally different story that included 40 minutes of crying before there was someplace safe for me to pull over.... but I'm going to leave that alone bc he did such a great job when other people's sanity was at stake.....

Lil man spiked a fever last night reaching 102 degrees. Out of work for me today to take him to the doc and then because no fevers at daycare..... It's just a head cold with a fever, thankfully no ear infection and the flu test was negative. He's been happier and at last check temp is down to 98.9. Today was court for him. Reunification with mom was ceased and the possible father was given the date for the paternity test. This time next month we should know a little more about what our future holds. Doing my best to enjoy the time I have with him while I'm praying for him and for us. I want what's best for him and I want him to stay with us forever at the same time..... It's a very confusing position..... Planning a trip home with him in a few days. Flying solo with him. Thankfully it's a short flight!

... If you've been with me since the beginning you know my struggle, my pain, my deepest desires.... You know that today, Mothers a Day, is a day I have longed to celebrate for so many, many years..... So I sit here today, a brand new Foster Mom caring for an infant whose future is unknown and I know that this is my calling. I know that I was not meant to carry my children in my womb nor to be there for their first breath....... No, I realize now the struggles I have endured were a part of His plan to make me strong enough for my journey....... My journey of an unknown future with the child now in my care and the hopefully many more to follow.... It brings me back to the TWW..... Now this wait is much longer but it is the same uncertainty for me..... And if I really think about it, even when I got the BFP my uncertainty was never over. My first known pregnancy was discovered during my miscarriage around 7weeks.... Every pregnancy after was destined to be in the shadows so I have never been able to truly celebrate and enjoy pregnancy without the dark shadow looming..... So bring on the weeks of uncertainty because I know it well..... Bring on the pain of loss because I know this too..... But as of today I am a Mom..... I am a strong mom who will continue to fight and survive because God has prepared me for my journey..... Gods plans are greater than my own and his plans are better than any I can make..... I pray that I can rise to meet the challenges of His plans.......

You know what you can't be with an infant? A planner..... You know what I am? A planner.... I am a planner who is sitting with an infant who just fell asleep not wanting to put him down bc he's not that asleep yet but who needs to get ready for work...... Also the wife of a man who ran out the door to get to work early..... It's gonna be a no-makeup-ponytail-hope-I-don't-forget-deodorant kind a day..... But I'm done a noon! And it's "pedicure Friday".... We will see how that goes with lil man 😉

I understand the craziness now. I really do. I have had no time to keep up with friends and family this week just trying to find that groove. I did manage to survive our first home visit. Not sure what I was worried about. SW was here 15 minutes early but the house was clean, dogs were outside, baby was fed and happy..... Couldn't ask for anything better right? Well apparently we had met our SW when we were buying our house, her sister loves close and we had stopped and talked with them about the neighborhood right before we bought our house. Such a small world. She's great though. She was here for over an hour and it felt more like visiting with an old friend catching up on the recent events of life. I'm hoping this is a good sign of things to come. I've heard some pretty bad stories about some SW but I really think we got a good one this time! We are getting into a groove here though. I'm a little sleep deprived but I think that's normal for having an infant for the first time ever. I wake up often to check on him. I think that will start to lessen here soon and I will be able to get in a little more sleep. Hubby has been great to helping out with everything. He cooked dinner the other night and has been on bottle washing duty. He's also been keeping up with the regular cleaning that I haven't been able to get too. Challenge accepted and crushed..... Well maybe not crushed but it's not beating me yet 🙃

Major props to all you women out there who do it all and find time to keep up with the work of tumblr..... I definitely don't have this skill down yet. The time we spent with Lil' Man before was just every other weekend so it was easy to drop off the face of the earth for several days then pick up where we left off..... We don't have that luxury anymore and I have not learned the balancing act this is going to take.... Other than that this weekend has been awesome. This little guy is so sweet and happy.... He makes it easy to drop everything and just spend time with him. Tomorrow is a whole new world though, this will be his first time in daycare. Praying he takes to the ladies at the center the same way he seems to with everyone else.

He's not even here yet and I can't seem to get my mind to slow down enough to get more than 3 hours of sleep..... Thankfully I pick him up in 13-14 hours... Can't wait to get this party started!